EXCLUSIVEMy son 殺人d a policeman but I can't stop loving him... Now in the throes of unimaginable grief, mother Elizabeth 格闘するs with the hardest question: Am I to 非難する?
押し進めるd 直面する first into the 塀で囲む of her hallway, her 手渡すs slapped in 手錠s, Elizabeth De Zoysa could barely 過程 what was happening.
Moments earlier, still in her dressing gown, she had been （疑いを）晴らすing up the breakfast dishes left by her teenage daughters before they 出発／死d for school.
Now, she and her husband ? also in 手錠s ? were 存在 砲撃するd with questions by police officers who had just 嵐／襲撃するd through their 前線 door. Questions about their 23-year-old son Louis. Did he have any 医療の 条件s? Where did he work? When was the last time they had seen him?
'I couldn't 過程 what was going on,' Elizabeth 解任するs now. 'I couldn't conceive of what Louis might have done ? and not in a million years could I have guessed.'
For the 破滅的な truth, which Elizabeth only learned after an agonising hour of questions, was that her eldest son had 発射 dead a police officer while in 保護／拘留 in Croydon, south London, before 明らかに turning the gun on himself ? and was fighting for his life in hospital.
So many desperate questions have been 誘発する／引き起こすd by the events of that day. But for Elizabeth, one stood out the most. 'まっただ中に that 絶対の shock was this thought about whether something in me had turned Louis into this, or put him on this path?' she says now.
'権利 from the beginning there was this terrible 犯罪 that I didn't do enou gh for him.'
They are questions she has continued to 格闘する with in the five tumultuous years since learning that Louis, who is autistic and now in 刑務所，拘置所 for the 残り／休憩（する） of his life, had ended the life of Sergeant Matt Ratana in September 2020.
Elizabeth De Zoysa, mother of 罪人／有罪を宣告するd 殺害者 Louis, 明らかにする／漏らすs: '権利 from the beginning there was this terrible 犯罪 that I didn't do enough for him'
Louis De Zoysa was 設立する 有罪の of the 殺人 of?Sergeant Matt Ratana who he 発射 dead while 手錠d in a police 独房
A popular 54-year-old New Zealander, who had served in the Met for nearly 30 years, Sergeant Ratana was just three months from 退職 when he was killed.
His loss was 粉々にするing to his family and long-standing partner.
Anyone who has seen Netflix 演劇 Adolescence ? in which a 13-year-old boy kills a fellow pupil ? will recognise the 荒廃 that a 殺し屋's 活動／戦闘s wreak on their own family, too. Yet in real life, Elizabeth knows that people are far いっそう少なく 同情的な に向かって the mother of a 殺害者.
'Nothing compares to the 苦痛 the loved ones of Sergeant Ratana have 耐えるd, I understand that,' she tells me. 'I am not asking for sympathy. But I also know that my son is not evil, and I believe things could have been done 異なって, which would have 妨げるd this 悲劇.
'Our world is filled with 'if onlys', and if speaking out sheds some light on those and helps others 避ける our agony then it is 価値（がある） it.'
Though some have stood by her, Elizabeth has lost friends since all this 広げるd. 'One friend in particular I just never heard from again since this happened,' she says. 'I have seen others 避ける me, and some friends I 避ける in turn as I feel they might be judgmental.'
Elizabeth, a 60-year-old 翻訳家, has been married for nearly 30 years to yoga 指導者 Channa. They live in south-west London, where they raised their five children ? Louis, now 28, has two brothers and two sisters, 老年の between 17 and 26.
Louis was Elizabeth's first-born, a handsome boy who seemed different from the rumbunctious sons of friends. 'He could very happily entertain himself just lining up screws or nuts and bolts, helping me with little 職業s around the house for hours,' she says. 'He seemed happy in his own little world, although he was very affectionate too.'
Sergeant Matt Ratana, a popular 54-year-old New Zealander who had served in the Met for nearly 30 years, was just three months from 退職 when he was killed. He is pictured with his wife
Elizabeth with Louis as a young boy.?Louis, who was 明確に 有望な, struggled to make friends and his parents were often called in to be told he had 攻撃する，衝突する another child. He was 診断するd with autism when he turned 14
Once at 最初の／主要な school, Louis, who was 明確に 有望な, struggled to make friends and his parents were often called in to be told he had 攻撃する，衝突する another child.
'Later I 設立する out through 研究 that this happens so much to autistic children,' says Elizabeth. 'He'd been 刺激するd, and 答える／応じるd, but he wasn't able to give that account.
'Now, looking 支援する, I feel a lot of 犯罪. I struggled with the idea of him 存在 different, and worried about the stigma. Did that stop me fighting as hard as I should for support for him?'
Louis did not receive a formal diagnosis of autism until he was 14, though it made little difference at school. 'He really didn't get help at any point,' says Elizabeth. 'We had a 会合 with the headteacher who was just very 防御の.'
Happily, Louis excelled academically, winning a place at University College London to 熟考する／考慮する mechanical 工学, although he carried on living at home. 'Looking 支援する, I think that's when things started to unravel for him ? although I didn't know it at the time,' says Elizabeth 静かに. 'I think 存在 out in the world having to を取り引きする his autism as an adult was much harder for him. He definitely withdrew and it was difficult for me to get him to talk about his feelings.'
Her 発言する／表明する breaks and she says: 'It leaves me with 抱擁する 犯罪 that I hadn't better helped him understand his diagnosis. Later, after what happened, I got 接近 to his 医療の 記録，記録的な／記録するs and 設立する out he had gone to the doctor around the age of 19 to ask if he'd be en mixed up with his younger brother, who was also 診断するd with autism but whose symptoms were different. It showed me he hadn't really 受託するd his own diagnosis. That breaks my heart.'
Only in his second year, when her son barely left the house, did she realise he had dropped out of the course after failing his first-year exams. 'I rang the university, but because he was over 18, they 辞退するd to talk to us, so we never 設立する out why and he 辞退するd to talk about it,' she says.
決定するd that her son would not cast himself 流浪して, Elizabeth 示唆するd he 適用する for the civil service, and Louis was 受託するd as a 税金 分析家 for HMRC, starting in September 2018. Around a year later, he moved out, although he would still come home for visits.
That is until 早期に 2020 when he had a heated argument with his father and his brother, with whom relations had long been fractious.
'After that, he 削減（する） off 接触する with all of us, 含むing me,' says Elizabeth. 'I was very upset, but I felt he knew where we were, and that he knew he was always welcome and would return in his own time. I didn't want to 軍隊 myself on him.'
With the 裁判，公判 going ahead, Elizabeth had to pluck up courage to see the bodycam and CCTV （映画の）フィート数 showing her son's 逮捕（する） and the terrible events that followed. Her son is here pictured with the gun, circled?
Elizabeth says: 'When I saw him 存在 逮捕（する）d, all I could see was how autistic he seemed, and in the 保護／拘留 独房 everything that happened looked like an autistic 炉心溶融'
It meant she was unaware her son had been furloughed during the pandemic. 穴を開けるd up on his own, a later search of his 数字表示式の 装置s 確認するd his 利益／興味 in 武器s.
Elizabeth had always known that, like many young boys, Louis had an 利益／興味 in guns. He had joined the cadets as a young teen. But this was different; によれば police, he had extensively 研究d militaria.
She says: 'I felt this 抱擁する shame, but also 抱擁する 恐れる, worried that somehow it was our fault, that we should have known. I wondered if we'd been naive. We had always told him if he was angry never to take it out on a person. So I couldn't equate the portrait the police seemed to be 絵 with what I knew of him and what we had taught him.'
Either way, the consequences were 破滅的な. In the small hours of September 25, 2020, Louis was 逮捕（する）d while walking not far from the family home under stop and search. He was carrying a holdall, which officers みなすd 怪しげな as there had been a 洪水／多発 of 押し込み強盗s in the area.
In fact, as Louis ? who remained polite and 最初 asked police to call his parents ? 知らせるd officers, he was carrying not 盗品 but canna bis.
He didn't tell them he was also carrying an antique Colt revolver ? bought legitimately over the internet, but for which he had fashioned his own homemade 弾丸s ? 隠すd in a holster hidden under his arm. Why did he have a gun? And was he, as some have since 示唆するd, 長，率いるing to the family home to use it?
Elizabeth 熱心に 論争s this. 'He often visited the area, without coming to see us, I know that. One of his favourite takeaways was there. I know him 井戸／弁護士席 enough to know he would not do us 害（を与える）.
'He has since managed to tell me that he was coming home to eat, and that it was in the small hours because he liked the house 存在 静かな. One of the first things the police asked me was whether I was ever 脅すd of him ? and I could look them 堅固に in the 注目する，もくろむ and categorically say no.'
Whatever his 動機づけ, the gun was not discovered, にもかかわらず the fact that police 設立する the homemade 弾丸s. Louis was taken to Croydon 保護／拘留 Centre where, once inside the 保護／拘留 控訴, Sergeant Ratana entered and told Louis he would need to be searched again.
What happened next 広げるd with 雷 速度(を上げる）, and still remains 不明瞭な. As another officer pulled him to his feet, Louis managed to bring his still-cuffed 手渡すs from behind his 支援する to one 味方する and 発射 Sergeant Ratana in the heart and 脚 before 解雇する／砲火／射撃ing two more 弾丸s, one of which 攻撃する，衝突する the 独房 塀で囲む, the other 上陸 in his own neck.
'I don't think he ーするつもりであるd to kill himself,' Elizabeth says. 'Just as I believe he didn't ーするつもりである to kill Sergeant Ratana. I think this was his way of 説 leave me alone, in the throes of an autistic 炉心溶融.'
Sergeant Ratana was 急ぐd to hospital where, tragically, he died of his 傷害s. The time was 2.15am and at home Elizabeth was asleep, blissfully unaware her world was about to change for ever. That is until ferocious banging on the door six hours later. Pinned against the 塀で囲む, Elizabeth, in an answer to officers' questions, told them her son was autistic and dyspraxic.
Only around an hour into this 一斉射撃，（質問などの）連発／ダム of questions did she learn the horrific truth about what had happened ? and that her son was in hospital. 'It's the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced,' says Elizabeth. 'I was in a 明言する／公表する of total shock. Nothing felt real. But I 即時に knew it had happened by mistake.'
Not for one moment did she ever question that she would stand by her son. 'I gave birth to him, and there isn't a 取引，協定 which says you only love them if they are perfect. I could never abandon him,' she says, 追加するing that she and Channa 公約するd to fight for their son together.
'Channa and I recognised すぐに that if we cast 非難する we would all 落ちる apart, so we made a 協定／条約 that we were in this together. It was hard, and 緊張した, and we still had lots of arguments, but we managed to pull together.'
Louis was 存在 held under 武装した guard at St George's Hospital in Tooting but his parents weren't 許すd to see him.
This continued even when the に引き続いて evening ? 36 hours after the 狙撃 ? Louis 苦しむd a 一打／打撃 that left him with a 壊滅的な brain 傷害. Elizabeth only 設立する this out when a 外科医 rang, asking if he could 成し遂げる a 高度に risky craniectomy to relieve the 圧力 on her son's skull.
Elizabeth and Channa raced to the hospital, to be told again they were not 許すd to see their son. 'The receptionist called 安全, and they said that if I tried to go to the 区, I'd be 逮捕（する）d,' she 解任するs 静かに. 'They were 用意が出来ている for the fact that he might die without us 説 goodbye.'
This 状況／情勢 continued for three months, during which time Elizabeth relied on he r brain-損失d son's solicitor to 記録，記録的な／記録する ビデオ （映画の）フィート数 for them. These snippets 証明するd difficult to watch; 大部分は 非，不，無-言葉の, and paralysed 負かす／撃墜する one 味方する, Louis was barely recognisable.
'It was 破滅的な,' says Elizabeth. 'Before visiting Louis in the hospital for the first time, I didn't know how I'd feel about him; I thought he might be different to the loving son that I knew. But as soon as I saw him, even though he was wearing a blue helmet, in a hospital gown and in a 車椅子, all my worries disappeared because I saw that he was the same person I'd always known and loved.'
Six months after he was 認める, Louis was 発射する／解雇するd into a specialist 部隊. にもかかわらず 存在 車椅子-bound with 限られた／立憲的な communication 技術s, he was considered fit to stand 裁判，公判. In April 2023 he appeared 経由で ビデオ link to enter a not 有罪の 嘆願 to 殺人, 持つ／拘留するing up a whiteboard to help him communicate. It is a 決定／判定勝ち（する） that Elizabeth 収容する／認めるs she still finds troubling, and which she believes was fuelled by the fact he had 発射 a police officer rather than a 非軍事の.
'In my opinion he was never fit to stand 裁判，公判 ? and still would not be today even though his 条件 has 改善するd,' she says. 'There were two fitness-to-嘆願d 審理，公聴会s, and five psychologists gave 証拠 説 he wasn't. But the 裁判官 took the 見解（をとる） of the one psychologist for the 起訴 who みなすd him able to give 証拠.'
With the 裁判，公判 going ahead, Elizabeth also had to pluck up courage to see the bodycam and CCTV （映画の）フィート数 showing her son's 逮捕（する） and the terrible events that followed.
'It was incredibly emotional for a lot of 推論する／理由s, not least because by then I hadn't seen him without his brain 傷害 for a long time.
'When I saw him 存在 逮捕（する）d, all I could see was how autistic he seemed, and in the 保護／拘留 独房 everything that happened looked like a n autistic 炉心溶融.'
Louis's 裁判，公判 began at Northampton 栄冠を与える 法廷，裁判所 in June 2023, his family already 用意が出来ている for the fact that, if 設立する 有罪の, he would be given a whole-life order (the harshest 宣告，判決 possible, meaning he would never be 解放（する）d).
During the 裁判，公判, Louis's lawyer, Imran 旅宿泊所 KC, said communication problems 原因（となる）d by his 傷害s meant it 'may never be possible to know 正確に／まさに what was going through his mind' at the time of the 狙撃, arguing he had 減らすd 責任／義務 because of his autism.
The 陪審／陪審員団 saw it 異なって, and 罪人／有罪を宣告するd Louis 全員一致で of 殺人. 宣告，判決ing him to the whole-life order, Mr 司法（官） Johnson said that 'any communication difficulty, or difficulty with communication, had no 耐えるing on your 意向 to kill Sergeant Ratana.'
'I will never stop believing that he never ーするつもりであるd to kill,' says Elizabeth ? a belief she is not able to have 批准するd by her son, who has no memory of what happened after his 逮捕（する）. 'Yes, it's hard for me not to hear it from him, but far harder has been having to 受託する that he's brain 損失d and in a 車椅子 for life.'
Louis can only manage simple 対話. Elizabeth is now （選挙などの）運動をするing for wider understanding in 取引，協定ing with those with autism when taken into 保護／拘留. 'I hope that in 20 or 30 years' time, we'll look on this 事例／患者 異なって, and it will be 熟考する／考慮するd by 法律 students,' she says. She recently appeared on podcast series Mums Of 殺害者s, which 会談 to four mothers whose children are serving life for 殺人.
She does what any mother would do for her son, visiting him 定期的に at Belmarsh 刑務所，拘置所, where he is kept in the hospital wing, although she is （選挙などの）運動をするing to have him moved to a 刑務所，拘置所 with better 医療の 施設s. 'It's not the 権利 place,' she says. 'It's designed for a 比較して quick stay, not a whole-life order.'
Nonetheless, Elizabeth 受託するs that wherever he ends up, her son will almost certainly never experience life on the outside again ? and that her own life, and that of her family's, is irrevocably changed. 'I have to 受託する it, as does he,' she says. 'It's sad, but then so much about this 状況／情勢 is 猛烈に sad.'
