Get in touch with your inner White 先頭 Man

Updated: 22:00 BST, 10 January 2009

在庫／株 up on Yorkies, dust 負かす／撃墜する your Meatloaf CDs and pull out into oncoming traffic - a dirty white 輸送 is a toy for real men

Having seen inside the mind of White 先頭 Man, I have to say I like it. A lot.

Let me elucidate here. One of the predictable consequences of moving house is the need to 移転 white goods, large pieces of furniture, carpets, 工場／植物s and 調書をとる／予約するs 同様に as dozens of ran dom, 洪水ing boxes from one end of the country to another. It’s called moving.

And while most of this is usually done by people who are paid handsomely to do it, occasionally it 落ちるs on us ? the men of the house, the penis-耐えるing humans ? to do it ourselves.

And so we 雇う a 輸送. A 広大な／多数の／重要な big white 先頭. One with ‘Clean me!’ written with a dirty forefinger in big letters on the 支援する doors. One with go-faster scratches that stretch from the bonnet to the 支援する doors.

We get up 早期に on Saturday morning and 急ぐ to a part of town we’ve never been to before, produce a dozen pieces of paper that 趣旨 to 証明する that we 現実に live where we say we do, put 負かす／撃墜する a £50,000 deposit (even though the 先頭 is 価値（がある） about fourpence), and start dropping our aitches.

We climb into our too-tight ジーンズs, throw on the Belstaff, 得る，とらえる some 軌道 and Fruit & Nut and jump up into the cab. Fancy it? Of course you do. After all, you’re a man, aren’t you? And every man at some point in his life should 運動 a white 先頭.

And to do it 適切に, you 明白に need the 権利 従犯者s. First up, a Yorkie, then a rolled-up copy of The Sun (stuffed into the cappuccino 支えるもの／所有者 ? White 先頭 Man doesn’t do fancy coffee), and a Meatloaf CD (the wrong one). One of the joys of 運動ing a white 先頭 is the compulsory playing of ? and singing along to ? loud, unreconstructed 激しく揺する music, those 有罪の 楽しみs you can't really afford to play if anyone else can hear them.

On my 旅行 I played the Loaf (明白に), the mighty Dave Edmunds (Girls Talk, はうing From The 難破, Get Out Of Denver, I Hear You Knocking, et al), the Gods that staff Foreigner, 先頭 Halen (whose Why Can’t This Be Love is one of the greatest 記録，記録的な／記録するs of all time), （頭が）ひょいと動く Seger (lots of （頭が）ひょいと動く Seger), George Thorogood And The 破壊者s, and ? of course ? 旅行 themselves.

In a white 先頭 you feel 免疫の. You don't 示す, you 削減（する） people up and 一般に behave like a Frenchie

However, if you’re 運動ing outside London you don’t really need any CDs at all, because as soon as you go 30 miles outside the 資本／首都, the 地元の 無線で通信する 駅／配置するs play nothing but unreconstructed 激しく揺する music anyway... along with lashings of 無線で通信する-friendly pop from the Eighties.

As soon as you pass Slough the DJs suddenly turn into Alan Partridge, with 絶対 no hint of irony: ‘That was the mighty Wouldn’t It Be Good by Nik Kershaw and now it’s those guys from Cutting 乗組員. In fact, it is Cutting 乗組員! See you after the news with Don’t 恐れる The Reaper by the Blue Oyster 教団! Hey, where are they now? By the way, have any of you ever had a blue oyster?’

In a white 先頭 there is no one telling you what to do, no one telling you you’re 運動ing too 急速な／放蕩な or too slow, no one telling you you’re not 示すing 適切に. Because when you 運動 a white 先頭, you don’t 示す at all. You just blithely 運動 around as though you’re steering a 戦車／タンク or a 核の-力／強力にするd oil タンカー, and if anyone gets in your way, then more fool them.

Last 週末 I drove my white 先頭 for eight hours in total and I didn’t 示す once. Didn’t even think about it. If the chap behind me can’t see where I’m going then he’s not 支払う／賃金ing attention, 権利? Not my fault.

The first thing you notice about other drivers when you 運動 a white 先頭 is how they comprehensively keep out of your way and 全く 避ける 対決. And why do they do this?

Because they know that not only do you not care what happens to your 先頭 (go on, scratch it, see if I care, it’s not 地雷) but that also you’d 現実に やめる like it if they somehow got a chink in their Beemer, too.

Not only do you 無視（する） everyone else on the road, you also 全く 無視（する） your 負担 (or at least I did). I now have total sympathy for the white 先頭-運動ing idiots who 配達する those broken boxes with ‘壊れやすい’ stencilled on them in enormous red letters.

Because as soon as I climbed into the cab I 完全に forgot what I had in the 支援する, too. Could have been 500 priceless pieces of 磁器, piled on a rug without any 泡 包む in sight; could have been a Terracotta 軍人, could have been a Titian. Not bothered. Big 取引，協定. There is no way I’m slowing 負かす／撃墜する for this roundabout. No way. Just watch!

In a white 先頭 you feel 免疫の. You don’t 示す, you 削減（する） people up with impunity, you pull out when you know it 原因（となる）s the most inconvenience, and 一般に behave like a total Frenchie.

You 運動 急速な／放蕩な in the slow 小道／航路, slo w in the 急速な／放蕩な 小道／航路 and don’t care either way. Other drivers keep out of your way, not because they 尊敬（する）・点 you (why would they?) but because you 簡単に 脅す the 完全にする living daylights out of them.

Which is why I love it, and why I think every man should do it at least once a year. And if you want to borrow my Meatloaf CD, all you have to do is ask.

Don’t worry, I’ve got lots.

Dylan Jones is the editor of GQ