How to 避ける a holiday in hell

Published: 22:00 BST, 18 August 2012 | Updated: 22:23 BST, 18 August 2012

Now, I’ve been to some dangerous places. I’ve been in the South Bronx at three o’clock in the morning without any obvious means of transportation.

I was caught in one of the Brixton 暴動s, and stood out like a sore thumb as I was 明らかに th e only person not carrying a stolen microwave.

And I once spent a week in Afghanistan trying not to be sworn at by David Bailey. Like I say, I’ve lived. And then some.

I once got lost in the middle of Compton, in deepest Los Angeles, but I'm not sure that I've ever felt so 用心深い as I did a few weeks ago when I landed in Rio

支援する in the Eighties, pre-Glasnost, I spent ten days 存在 followed around central Moscow by the secret police (they finally 召喚するd up the courage to ask me where I got my jacket from).

And I once got lost in the middle of Compton, in deepest Los Angeles, 武装した only with a pair of sunglasses and a Hall & Oates CD; which wasn’t even one of the good ones.

Danger, you could say, is my middle 指名する.

But I’m not sure that I’ve ever felt so 用心深い as I did a few weeks ago when I landed in Rio for a 高級な drinks 会議／協議会.

That’s 権利, Rio: home of Astrud Gilberto and the bossa-nova.

Miles and miles of golden, hot sand, and a multitude of beautiful blonde beach babes in postage-stamp bikinis. Rio, the Brazilian 楽園 and home to the 2016 Olympics.

Or not.

On arrival at the airport (by 計画（する）, that is), I was 現在のd with nothing いっそう少なく than a 危険 matrix, an A4 piece of paper 含む／封じ込めるing 統計（学） relating to the 見込み of me 存在 mugged if I a) left the hotel alone; b) left the hotel alone wearing jewellery; and c) left the hotel alone wearing jewellery at night.

I was even 警告するd off sitting in the 支援する seat of a taxi by a driver with a nervous tic who had 明白に been the 犠牲者 of some over-eager carjackers.

In the end I did all of these things (like a 反逆者／反逆する, leaving my hotel wearing a big fancy watch after dark and not even bothering to say boa noite to the doorman), and nothing happened to me.

Rio: Miles and miles of golden, hot sand, and a multitude of beautiful blonde beach babes in postage-stamp bikinis

It made me think that perhaps your 普通の／平均（する） tourist might be a little いっそう少なく paranoid if, instead of a 危険 matrix, they were given a happiness matrix when they arrived in the city: ie, the 見込み of you bumping into a) an 極端に friendly blonde beach babe; b) an 極端に friendly blonde beach babe with a sister; or c) an 極端に friendly blonde beach babe with a sister and a friend (my personal favourite).

Perception is all when you’re travelling abroad, and if you’re told that bad things are going to happen to you, then you’ll almost be disappointed if they don’t.

Every night as I stepped out of my hotel en 大勝する to a 歓迎会, a concert, or yet another pa nel discussion (where I’d pontificate on the best way to pontificate), I’d walk by a 妨げる／法廷，弁護士業 that another 委任する／代表 said was the one place in Rio where you could be 保証（人）d to find anything you 手配中の，お尋ね者.

And by ‘anything’ I don’t think he meant frozen Pina Coladas or replica Brazilian football 道具s.

その結果, each time I went by I scoured the 妨げる／法廷，弁護士業 for any 調印する of nefarious activity, 慎重に looking around for transsexual 売春婦s (even though I’m not 現実に sure what these might look like), muggers wearing 強盗 hats (ditto) and moustachio’d ギャング（個々）s selling each other 違法な-looking 実体s wrapped in silver 失敗させる／負かす (二塁打 ditto).

But 式のs, all I ever saw were overweight Americans sipping frozen Pina Coladas while dressed in replica Brazilian football 道具s.

After a few days I started to 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う everyone I met of 存在 up to no good.

I would check my （犯罪の）一味s having shaken someone’s 手渡す, and ３倍になる-lock my bedroom door just in 事例／患者 the chambermaid broke in 夜通し and downloaded the 最新の Hall & Oates album from my iPod.

It got to the 行う／開催する／段階 where I would look at a cocktail waiter and 審議 whether he had spiked my Espresso Martini with an Ambien, wondering to myself if I was going to wake up in the 支援する of a 先頭 without my watch and my wallet.

Or, even worse, with only one 腎臓 (明らかに there is a new form of 罪，犯罪 in Rio ? the 表明する kidnapping ? where they 襲う，襲って強奪する you, take you off to a 安全な house and then have you 支援する at your hotel in time for cocktails by the pool).

As it happened I had a fabulous time in Rio, and （機の）カム home with my 十分な complement of （犯罪の）一味s, watches, necklaces (現実に, I don’t have any necklaces) and 腎臓s.

So, for anyone thinking of planning a trip to Rio in 2014 for the World Cup or 2016 for the Olympics, don’t listen to what anyone tells you.

Just take a Hall & Oates CD and you’ll be 罰金.

Dylan Jones is the editor of GQ