EXCLUSIVE'I am a sociopath and I love it': DR PATRIC GAGNE has strangled a cat, broken into homes and stabbed a child in the 長，率いる - all while feeling no 犯罪 or shame. Now she's a psychologist who says everyone should be like her...

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Patric Gagne is a happily married mother of two. She’s a successful therapist and a member of a country club, she owns a dog and a cat, and 権利 now she’s smiling so 広範囲にわたって I 恐れる her 直面する might 割れ目 in two as she tells me, ‘I’m a sociopath. And I love it!’

‘I’m a liar and a どろぼう. I’m emotionally manipulative. I don’t feel 犯罪. I don’t feel shame,’ continues Gagne, who does school 減少（する）-off and 選ぶ-up every day with other mums who are just like her ? on the surface.

With her specs perched on the end of her nose, Gagne, 48, is attractive, friendly and 上昇傾向 ? but I’m still a bit 脅すd of her. After all, this is a woman who 自由に 収容する／認めるs to 可決する・採択するing a charming persona to make people like her. She’s also 自白するd to stealing 定期的に, joyriding and breaking into people’s houses just for the hell of it.

When she was seven, she stabbed another child in the 長，率いる with a pencil (no long-称する，呼ぶ／期間／用語 害（を与える） was done, but still…). Once, bored, she even tried to strangle a cat.

Sociopaths, によれば Gagne, 存在する on a spectrum. While they can feel love and sadness (if sporadically), the ‘social emotions’ such as jealousy, empathy, shame and 犯罪 are inaccessible to them. This emotional 無効の is a 脅すing place to be, so they try to 接近 feelings through bad behaviour.

If you google ‘famous sociopaths’ you’ll find 独裁者s Hitler and Stalin, serial 殺し屋s Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy and Harold Shipman and 悪名高い fraudsters such as Bernie Madoff. Yet here’s Gagne, sitting in her 調書をとる／予約する-lined office on the US east coast (she doesn’t want to 明らかにする／漏らす the 場所), happily 提携させるing herself with these villains.

Patric Hagne: ‘Pretty much everyone who knows I'm a sociopath wants to get の近くに to me’

In her 調書をとる／予約する Sociopath: A Memoir, she not only tells her 驚くべき／特命の／臨時の story, she also ? and this is a 宣告，判決 I never thought I’d 令状 ? 勧めるs us to be more understanding of sociopaths, who, she says, を煩う an ‘emotional learning difficulty’, 欠如（する）ing the 良心 that keeps most of us on the straight and 狭くする.

After all, sociopaths are 概算の to （不足などを）補う だいたい one in 20 (about 30 million) Americans, of whom very few are the 常習的な 犯罪のs you see in 審査する 演劇s such as Dexter and 殺人，大当り Eve. They are far more likely to be your 隣人s, 同僚s, friends or relations. ‘But you’d never 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う us,’ says Gagne.?

‘People want to believe you can 位置／汚点／見つけ出す a sociopath, but we learn from an 早期に age ? at least I did ? to 隠す that we don’t feel like others and? use destructive behaviour as a 対処するing mecha nism. So, we learn to blend 権利 in.’

This number ? equating to something like three million people in the UK alone ? ‘is 概略で the same as for those who を煩う 不景気 or bipolar disorder,’ says Gagne. ‘Yet there are no self-help 手動式のs, no support groups, no 治療 選択s for sociopathy. To me, that sounds insane.’

Indeed, many professionals are 敵意を持った to the idea of helping sociopaths, even though 介入 could help stop them committing serious 罪，犯罪s.?

In Gagne’s therapy training, a fellow student pronounced she’d rather their child have 癌 than be a sociopath. Gagne’s 復讐 on that individual was to 燃やす the letters T-A-I-N-T on her lawn with salt, but the comments also 強化するd her 解決する to raise 認識／意識性.

Gagne 老年の 14, in Florida

‘I’m not trying to minimise sociopathy. I’m 説 there’s nothing immoral or inherently wrong about not feeling empathy. People like me are just different ? it’s our behaviour that’s wrong at times. Just because I don’t care about you doesn’t mean I want to 原因（となる） you 苦痛.

Soc iopathy 存在するs on a spectrum just like any other disorder ? there are extreme examples who commit heinous 罪，犯罪s, yet you can also be a sociopath and be educated and be in a 生産力のある 関係. But to be that way you need help to understand why you’re the way you are.’

指名するd Patricia by her music-産業 (n)役員／(a)執行力のある father and 広い地所-スパイ／執行官 mother, Gagne spent her 早期に years in San Francisco. She started stealing before she could talk.

To this day one of her proudest 所有／入手s is a pair of glasses swiped from the nose of one Ringo Starr. (Gagne met the Beatle when she was a toddler because of her father’s 職業.)

At school she felt 孤立するd, baffled that classmates felt 悔恨 if they lied or sorry for other children who’d 傷つける themselves. ‘Mostly I felt nothing,’ she 解任するs. ‘And I didn’t like how that nothing felt.’

Her desperation to experience some ? any ? emotion manifested itself as an ‘圧倒的な 圧力’, which only 緩和するd if Gagne did something so bad it gave her an adrenaline 急ぐ that 一時的に 解除するd her default emptiness.?

Years later she understood how most people’s brains are wired to feel empathy; how people who 欠如（する） this are compelled to be violent or destructive in an 試みる／企てる to make them feel like others. ‘It’s like 存在 short-sighted,’ she explains. ‘You really have to squint to connect to these emotions. It’s exhausting.’

One emotion she did feel was love, although she 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑うs her 見解／翻訳／版 is ‘very different to, and いっそう少なく emotional than’ the one most of us know. Her ‘emotional compass’ was her mother, who was distraught at how often her daughter landed in trouble. Not wanting to upset one of the few people she cared for, Gagne tried to behave. Then her parents 離婚d: she moved with her mother and younger (非，不，無-sociopathic) sister to Florida.

There, her mother was distracted. Gagne’s loneliness 強めるd. Classmates disliked her. Once she locked some of them in a school bathroom, listening to their 叫び声をあげるs with detached 利益／興味, wondering why they were 脅すd. ‘I felt 静める, I felt high,’ she 解任するs.

Gagne was 11 when her uncle gave the family a 小旅行する of the 明言する／公表する 刑務所，拘置所, where he worked. Watching its 罪人／有罪を宣告するd 殺害者s, rapists and 放火犯人s over CCTV, a guard told her that 80 per cent were sociopaths, a word she’d never heard before.?

‘They don’t feel bad about what they do,’ he said. A light went on in her 長，率いる. ‘My mother and sister were apprehensive in that 環境 but I was just fascinated. It was 同時に 関心ing and 慰安ing that there was a word for people like me, even if it wasn’t the best word.’

David, the author’s husband, and their children, by the sea in Saint Simons, Georgia

As Gagne grew older, she made a 協定／条約 with herself that she’d break 支配するs ? ‘to make myself feel alive’ ? but wouldn’t 肉体的に 害（を与える） anyone, not because she cared about 傷つけるing them but because that would 増加する the 危険 of her getting caught. She stole from church collection plates, played truant and broke into empty houses.?

Once, she began throttling a cat to 緩和する her flatness but ? remembering the no-傷つけるing 支配する ? 解放（する）d it. ‘暴力／激しさ,’ she says, ‘was a slippery slope for me.’

At the University of California in Los Angeles, Gagne took psychology classes, 調査／捜査するing the difference between sociopathy and psychopathy, discovering how psychopaths have brain abnormalities that make it impossible for them ever to develop コンビナート／複合体 emotional 返答s.?

Sociopaths, by contrast, have brains 類似の to everyone else and can slowly ‘learn’ emotions. With this in mind, she began copying other people’s mannerisms, touching their 武器 while talking and smiling, to make people warm to her and to help her finally assimilate.

At the same time, she worked out a ‘prescription for my apathy’ in the form of stealing car 重要なs from drunk students so she could take their cars on joyrides. Later, while 持つ／拘留するing 負かす／撃墜する a 職業 as a nanny, she 許すd herself ‘sociopathic 救済’ by 固執するing to a strict 時刻表／予定表 where she broke into houses on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

結局, Gagne 自白するd her activities to her astonished father. He paid for a therapist, who 確認するd that Gagne was a sociopath ? but one who was ‘empathy-捜し出すing’.?

In other words, there was hope for her. She had cognitive behavioural therapy, learning ‘healthier’ ways to を取り引きする her apathy than committing 罪，犯罪s ? usually in the form of conversation or a 会社／堅い word with herself: ‘Knowing why I do the things I do took?80 per cent of the 空気／公表する out of the balloon for me.’

Gagne began 熟考する／考慮するing for a psychology PhD, supporting her 熟考する／考慮するs by working as a music 経営者／支配人. She was honest with 同僚s about her 条件, but rather than 存在 repelled by her, many were fascinated and envious of her talents for 巧みな操作, ruthlessness and backstab bing ― 特徴 はびこる in the music 産業.?

Since then, she’s 設立する, ‘Pretty much everyone who knows?I’m a sociopath wants to get closer to me. Everyone has some 不明瞭 in them and the idea of 存在 around someone who can 受託する yours without judgment is very 控訴，上告ing to a lot of people.’

Another surprise （機の）カム when, after qualifying as a therapist, she 設立する she had plenty to 申し込む／申し出 in showing people how to detach from 圧倒的な emotions. ‘I’d teach 患者s to think like a sociopath: “Why do you care so much about this problem? What does it 事柄 to you?” I do the same with my children.’?

As for her sociopathic 患者s ? ‘I see 救済 on their 直面するs because they don’t have to mask any more and they feel いっそう少なく alone.’ She only recently stopped practising to 焦点（を合わせる） on her 令状ing and 支持するing for sociopaths.

At 32, she married David, who 作品 in tech. He is two years her 上級の, and they’d 時代遅れの on and off since she was 14. Gagne had always been frank about her sociopathy but it took years for him to fully 高く評価する／（相場などが）上がる that Gagne really was wired 異なって to him and not just inventing excuses for bad behaviour.?

He was worried what secrets she might 明らかにする／漏らす in the 調書をとる／予約する, ‘because I don’t always understand how people will 解釈する／通訳する things’, and so kept a の近くに 注目する，もくろむ on the manuscript.

‘My publisher jokes he wants to get his 手渡すs on what he calls David’s 丸天井, because every 選び出す／独身 page went to my husband first and there were so many times when he said, “You can’t publish this. No one should ever see that!”’

What about the reaction of her children, now 13 and eight? Unsurprisingly, as someone who doesn’t get emotional, Gagne can’t really see why this might be an 問題／発行する. ‘They understand it’s not appropriate for them to read my 調書をとる／予約する,’ she shrugs. ‘There’s always a 危険 someone will berate or tease them. But I’m not the first person to have written a 調書をとる／予約する that’s 議論の的になる. So, we’ll just take it day by day.’

As 研究 shows, sociopathy 頂点（に達する）s in people’s 20s and, today, Gagne says, ‘Most of my destructive 傾向s have gone by the wayside.’ She’s not ‘a social person’ but has a handful of の近くに friends. 観察するing them has made her realise that a sociopath’s life is ‘pretty 広大な／多数の／重要な.

I see them grappling with 犯罪 and shame, worrying about what they should and shouldn’t do, their calendars crammed with things that they don’t want to do but feel 強いるd to. I’m so glad I don’t have to を取り引きする any of that. It seems like a very 激しい 負わせる.’

David takes on 義務s that she hates, such as …に出席するing kids’ birthday parties and school 機能（する）／行事s; in return, she’s shown him how to いつかs put himself first. ‘He was very 衝突d about going to visit his family for Christmas, there were some 有毒な dynamics. My question was why go? He said, “Because that’s what you do.”

I said, “持つ／拘留する on, is this 現実に something you want to do?”’

平等に, because she doesn’t understand jealousy, she had no problem with David 自白するing a 鎮圧する on a 同僚. ‘Why wouldn’t he?’ she laughs. ‘I’m hardly your dream girl!’

So, what keeps Gagne on the rails, 妨げるing her from planning 抱擁する bank heists and 害（を与える）ing anyone who gets in her way? ‘The 決定／判定勝ち（する）s that I make are based on logic. I like my life, 存在 married and living in this house, having friends. But I also know that, ーするために continue to enjoy those things, I have to がまんする by society’s codes.’

Every now and then, however, Gagne still goes rogue. ‘If I come home from the grocery 蓄える／店 and anything I’ve 購入（する）d has gone off, I’ll make a ment al 公式文書，認める: I’m stealing this next time. It’s the silver lining ? there has to be one to 存在 a sociopath!’

Now she’s a public sociopath, won’t it be weird showing up at school for parents’ evening and having the other attendees 軽く押す／注意を引く each other? ‘Losing my anonymity is bittersweet,’ she 収容する／認めるs, laughing. ‘I’m not just getting rid of it, I’m lighting a 解雇する／砲火／射撃 under it.?

But after more than 40 years of 存在 misunderstood, it’s just so exciting to finally have people understand what 存在 a sociopath means.’

Sociopath: A Memoir by Patric Gagne PhD is published by Bluebird on 11 April, £18.99. To pre-order a copy for £16.14 until 21 April, go to mailshop.co.uk/調書をとる／予約するs?or call 020 3176 2937. 解放する／自由な UK 配達／演説／出産 on orders over £25.?

I am a sociopath and I knew something was off by the age of seven... after I enjoyed stabbing a kid in the 長，率いる with a pencil

• EXCLUSIVE 調書をとる／予約する 抽出する from DR PATRIC GAGNE's new 調書をとる／予約する Sociopath: A Memoir

In second grade I stabbed a kid in the 長，率いる with a pencil. Whenever I ask my mother if she remembers, her answer is the same: ‘ばく然と.’

And I believe her. Because so much about my 早期に childhood is vague. Some things, however, I remember with 絶対の clarity. I knew as 早期に as seven that something was off. I didn’t c are about things the way other kids did. 確かな emotions ? like happiness and 怒り／怒る ? （機の）カム 自然に, if somewhat sporadically.?

But social emotions ? things like 犯罪, empathy, 悔恨 and even love ? did not. Most of the time, I felt nothing. So I did ‘bad’ things to make the nothingness go away. It was like a compulsion.

Had you asked me 支援する then, I would have 述べるd this compulsion as a 圧力, a sort of 緊張 building in my 長，率いる. It was like 水銀柱，温度計 slowly rising in an old-fashioned 温度計.

At first it was barely noticeable, just a blip on my さもなければ 平和的な cognitive レーダ. But over time it?would get stronger. The quickest way to relieve the 圧力 was to do something undeniably wrong, something I knew would 絶対 make anyone else feel one of the emotions I couldn’t. So that’s what I did.

As a child, I didn’t realise there were other 選択s. I didn’t know anything about emotion or psychology. I didn’t understand that the human brain has 発展させるd to 機能（する）／行事 empathetically, or that the 強調する／ストレス of living without natural 接近 to feeling is believed to be one of the 原因（となる）s of compulsive 行為／法令／行動するs of 暴力／激しさ and destructive behaviour.

Gagne 老年の eight, around the time of the stabbing 出来事/事件

All I knew was that I liked doing things that made me feel some thing, to feel anything. It was better than nothing.

I’d been taking backpacks from school. I didn’t even want them, and almost always 結局 returned them. When I saw an unattended backpack, I took it. It didn’t 事柄 where it was or whose it was, it was the taking that 事柄d. Doing anything I knew wasn’t ‘権利’ was how I 解放（する）d the 圧力, how I gave myself a 揺さぶる to 反対する my apathy.

After a while, though, it stopped working. 関わりなく how many 捕らえる、獲得するs I took, I could no longer 生成する that 揺さぶる. I felt nothing. And the nothingness, I’d started to notice, made my 勧める to do bad things more extreme.

This was my 明言する／公表する of mind the last time I ever saw Syd, one of my classmates. We were on the sidewalk waiting to go to school when she started whining about visiting my house.?

She’d 手配中の，お尋ね者 to spend the night but her parents 辞退するd and?she 非難するd me. I was glad she wasn’t 許すd to visit. My 長，率いる was 傷つけるing. The 圧力 had been 刻々と 増加するing, yet nothing I did seemed to help. I was emotionally disconnected but also 強調する／ストレスd and somewhat disoriented.

It was like I was losing my mind, and I just 手配中の，お尋ね者 to be alone.

突然の, Syd kicked my backpack from where it sat at my feet, knocking everything to the ground. ‘You know what?’ she said. ‘I don’t care. Your house sucks, and so do you.’

The tantrum was meaningless, something she’d done to get my attention like countless times before. But she’d 選ぶd the wrong day to start a fight. Looking at Syd I knew that I never 手配中の，お尋ね者 to see her again.

Without a word, I leaned 負かす／撃墜する to collect my things. We carried pencil boxes 支援する then. 地雷 was pink with Hello Kitty characters and 十分な of sharpened yellow #2s. I grabbed one, stood up and jammed it into the 味方する of her 長，率いる. Th e pencil 後援d and part of it 宿泊するd in her neck. Syd started 叫び声をあげるing and the other kids understandably lost it.?

一方／合間, I was in a daze. The 圧力 was gone. But, unlike every other time I’d done something bad, my physical attack on Syd had resulted in something different ? a sort of 幸福感.

I walked away from the scene blissfully at 緩和する. For weeks I’d been engaging in all manner of 破壊分子 behaviour to make the 圧力 disappear and 非，不，無 of it had worked. But now ? with that one violent 行為／法令／行動する ? all traces of 圧力? were eradicated. Not just gone but 取って代わるd with a 深い sense of peace. It was like I’d discovered a 急速な／放蕩な 跡をつける to tranquillity, one that was equal parts efficacy and madness.?

非，不，無 of it made sense, but I didn’t care.

I wandered around in a stupor for a while. Then I went home and calmly told my mum what had happened.

‘WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND?’ my father 手配中の，お尋ね者 to know. I was sitting at the foot of my bed later that night. Both my parents stood before me, 需要・要求するing answers. But I didn’t have any.

‘Nothing,’ I said. ‘I don’t know.

I just did it.’

‘And you’re not sorry?’ Dad was 失望させるd and irritable. He’d just returned from another work trip, and they’d been fighting.

‘Yes! I said I was sorry!’ I exclaimed. I’d even already written Syd an 陳謝 letter. So why was everyone still so mad?

‘But you’re not sorry,’ Mum said 静かに. ‘Not really. Not in you r heart.’ Then she looked at me as if I was a stranger. It paralysed me, that look. It was a look of 煙霧のかかった 承認, as if to say, ‘There’s something off about you. I can’t やめる put my finger on it, but I can feel it.’

My stomach lurched as though I’d been punched. I hated the way my mother 星／主役にするd at me that night. She’d never done it before, and I 手配中の，お尋ね者 her to stop. Seeing her look at me that way was like 存在 観察するd by someone who didn’t know me at all. Suddenly, I was furious with myself for telling the truth. It hadn’t helped anyone ‘understand.’?

If anything, it had?made everyone more 混乱させるd, 含むing me. Anxious to make things 権利, I stood up and tried to 抱擁する her, but she 解除するd her 手渡す to stop me.

‘No,’ she said. ‘No.’ She 星／主役にするd at me long and hard once more, and then she left. I watched as Dad followed her out of my room, their でっちあげる，人を罪に陥れるs becoming smaller as they descended the staircase.

I はうd into bed and wished I had someone I could 傷つける, so I could feel the way I did after stabbing Syd. Settling for myself, I squeezed a pillow to my chest, digging my nails into my forearm.

‘Be sorry!’ I hissed. I continued to claw at my 肌 and clench my jaw, willing 悔恨 with all my might.

I can’t remember how long I tried, only that I was desperate and furious once I finally gave up. Exhausted, I 崩壊（する）d 支援する into the bed. I looked at my arm. It was bleeding.

The 幸福感 I’d felt after stabbing Syd was both disconcerting and tempting. I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to experience it again. I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to 傷つける again. Only I didn’t want to. I was 混乱させるd and 脅すd. I wasn’t sure how things had gone so wrong. I just knew it was all my fault, and I had to find a way to make it better.

• Read YOU Magazine's 排除的 interview with DR PATRIC GAGNE this 週末?

Taken from Sociopath: A Memoir by Patric Gagne PhD, to be published by Bluebird on 11 April, £18.99. To pre-order a copy for £16.14 until 21 April, go to mailshop.co.uk/調書をとる／予約するs?or call 020 3176 2937. 解放する／自由な UK 配達／演説／出産 on orders over £25.?