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In which I stand （刑事）被告

By LIZ JONES DIARY FOR THE MAIL ON SUNDAY

Updated: 20:00 BST, 29 October 2011

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Before I tell you how I 答える／応じるd when I realised he’d been reading the texts and goodness knows what else on my BlackBerry (I think I’d become so used to 存在 with a man, ie my husband, who showed no 利益／興味 in me どれでも, who would never have dreamed of checking up on me as he thought no one in the world would ever be 利益／興味d in someone he 述べるd as a ‘f****** old hag!’), let me tell you why he’s probably pretty fed up already. A couple of weeks ago, I stayed in his London flat before I was 予定 to speak at the Henley Literary Festival. He wasn’t there, so I’d spent the evening pampering and renovating, as you do. Unfortunately, I had a few 事故s. First, I had dyed my hair and a few specks made their way on to his cream stair carpet. I tried to get rid of the 示すs, but only made them worse, so I 除去するd the bulb in the 天井. Next, I 適用するd spray tan, a brand I’d never tried before, BeautyLab. The can 約束d me there would be no smell and there would be no staining. 広大な／多数の／重要な!

Only the next morning did I realise that having sat on his gorgeous loo in his 石／投石する bathroom the night before, it was now stained orange. I couldn’t get it off, even soaking it with Cif. The 石／投石する沈む too was looking a little dingy, which it hadn’t before. I then にわか雨d, and the ivory 石／投石する床に打ち倒す of the wet room turned a worrying shade of brown. The more I scrubbed, the worse it got. In the end, I had to leave it. I took all the bed linen with me. I have spent the days since dreading an angry phone call, asking me why I have 廃虚d his apartment and stolen his sheets (Dulverton laundry is now boiling his linen to eradicate my Turin-shroud-like imprint) . But this 乱暴／暴力を加える is worse. This PM, asking me why I have been texting another man. Which I have. Let me explain. ?

‘Dear RS,’ I wrote, ‘yes, I am texting another man, so what?’

‘Dear RS, yes, I have been texting another man, so what? He is a friend. He is also married. I might 調印する off with an x, but I even do that on emails to my accountant, Amit, and I’m certainly not having an 事件／事情／状勢 with him. Anyway, why were you reading my 私的な correspondence? L’

公式文書，認める that I didn’t end this missive with an x, as he didn’t deserve one, the moody snooping bastard.

‘承認する. But you are always scrolling through my inbox, so I 人物／姿／数字d I was する権利を与えるd. And I 設立する the トン of the texts to be intimate. He is 明白に in love with you because he reads every word you 令状. I am wondering whether you really are ready to be in a 関係 with me. Maybe, I have been thinking, you are going out with me because it’s good column fodder. You certainly don’t 株 your intimate thoughts and worries with me the way you do with him.’

I can tell he’s annoyed, and I was worried about him finding all those stains! I would never cheat on a man, even in my mind. I only fantasise about Him, I always have. In the 1980s, I would 会合，会う him at a party, he would be between marriages (I’d never start a 関係 with a married man; my 指名する is not Daphne), he would 選ぶ me up from work, and everyone would see him and be jealous and amazed I’d landed such a 広大な／多数の／重要な boyfriend. It never happened, of course. I didn’t have a boyfriend, ever. Least of all a famous, talented, covetable one.

Over drinks at Henley after my talk, I sat with a friend. She told me she had never liked my ex-husband. ‘He thinks every woman fancies him, which they don’t.’

Even though I’m no longer with Nirpal, this smarted a bit. After all these years, all these 失望s, I want people to know I� �m with someone nice for a change. There is a part of me who wants to arrive at a party or for dinner with Him. Anyway, I’m struggling with these 相反する thoughts when he calls.

‘Shall we 会合，会う up in London next week?’

I picture the stains. I want to put him off but he might get even more 怪しげな. ‘Oh-kay. But why don’t you come and stay with me for a change, in the Cupboard?’