´Ø·¸ ϧ¿´ÍÏÍ»: Are you a battler or a bolter?

If your love life starts to Íî¤Á¤ë apart, you can take flight or fight to make things work out. Writer Victoria Wilde takes her cue from high-profile couples to Ä´ºº¤¹¤ë her own ÁªÂòs

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Battler v bolter

'I just don¡Çt believe it,¡Ç said my closest friend, Catherine, shaking her Ĺ¡¤Î¨¤¤¤ë and reaching for the ¥ï¥¤¥ó.

This was last month, when I finally ¡Êµ¡¤Î¡Ë¥«¥à clean and ¼«Çò¤¹¤ëd to her the extent of my ·ëº§¤Î¡¿É×ÉØ¤Î problems.?

Was she amazed that my hitherto ¶á¤Å¤¯-perfect ten-year marriage was in trouble? Not Àµ³Î¤Ë¡¿¤Þ¤µ¤Ë (there had been hints on my part).

What surprised her was that, given how bad it had got, I was still in the ´Ø·¸, plugging away, rather than on her doorstep, ÄÉÀפ¹¤ëing children and ¥¹¡¼¥Ä¥±¡¼¥¹s.

Given my past form, Catherine could imagine me putting up wit h a bad ´Ø·¸ for, oh let¡Çs see, a ½µËö? But for longer? No way.

Îò»ËŪ¤Ë, I am not a battler. I do not fight for a ´Ø·¸. I am a bolter.

I run away at the first Ä´°õ¤¹¤ë of trouble ? and who would know that better than my best friend of 25 years?

In our Áª¤Ó½Ð¤¹¡¿ÆÈ¿È days and, God µö¤¹ me, in our married days, too, she has sat °ìÏ¢¤Î²ñµÄ¡¢¸ò¾Ä¡¿´°À®¤¹¤ë many a ¡ÊÊÆ¡Ëê¾å¤²¤¹¤ë¡¿¡Ê±Ñ¡ËÄóµÄ¤¹¤ë listening to me ´«¤á¤ë friends to ºï¸º¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë and run. To my bolter mind, it was simple. Either the man ¡Êµ¡¤Î¡Ë¥«¥à after you begging for another chance (almost certainly), or he didn¡Çt (problem solved).

But to the amazement of us both, this smug bolter has turned into a bemused, bewildered battler. Not even a bolter runs away easily from a ´Ø·¸ that has until recently made her ? and her children ? very happy.

My partner, on the other ¼êÅϤ¹ ? also a bolter in previous ´Ø·¸s ? is playing true to form. He has not ¸½¼Â¤Ë left the family home (bolter behaviour par excellence). He ÃǸÀ¤¹¤ës he has not had an »ö·ï¡¿»ö¾ð¡¿¾õÀª (ÀѶËŪ¤Ê bolting). But for six months he has ´°Á´¤Ë ¸ÉΩ¤·¤¿ from me ÆùÂÎŪ¤Ë and emotionally; he wants to be ¡Æfriends¡Ç (a masterstroke of passive-ÀѶËŪ¤Ê bolting).

There is nothing ¡Æfriendly¡Ç about it. Where we were once very affectionate, we now sleep in the same bed but don¡Çt touch. Where once we laughed at everything, we struggle to talk politely.

He loves me, he says, but not in the way he used to. Our home, which used to be ½½Ê¬¤Ê of laughter, teasing and fun with our two young sons (Ϸǯ¤Î eight and five), has now become ÀŤ«¤Ê, sombre.

I am living day by day ? on bad days, hour by hour. He is there ? but not there. It is hell.


The battlers

David Beckham and Victoria Beckham

Victoria Beckham has stuck to David through ¸ü¤¤ and thin (certainly thin, anyway): his fluctuating fortunes on the pitch, his ¤¤¤Ã¤½¤¦¾¯¤Ê¤¯ than heroic ´¿·Þ²ñ in LA, even his dalliance with Rebecca Loos.



Ashley and Cheryl Cole

Cheryl Cole gave her marriage another go ¤Ë¤â¤«¤«¤ï¤é¤º husband Ashley¡Çs infidelity just over a year ago. But after his ºÇ¿·¤Î ¡ÆÁø¶ø¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë¡Ç earlier this month, who knows?



Ronnie and Jo Wood

Jo »Ù»ý¤òÆÀ¤è¤¦¤ÈÅØ¤á¤ëd supported ·ã¤·¤¯Íɤ¹¤ë À±¡¿¼çÌò¤Ë¤¹¤ë Ronnie through drink, ËãÌôs and a string of »ö·ï¡¿»ö¾ð¡¿¾õÀªs during their 23-year marriage, and only gave up on him when he ¼­Âह¤ëd to stop seeing 20-year-old Ekaterina Ivanova.



Madonna and Guy Ritchie


Madonna struggled for eight years to perfect that lady of the manor Ìò³ä ¡¼¤¹¤ë¤¿¤á¤Ë keep Guy happy and »ý¤Ä¡¿¹´Î±¤¹¤ë her family together, before finally ȯɽ¤¹¤ëing their Î¥º§ last autumn.



¤¤¤Ä¤«s I see myself as a literal battler, encased in a rusty old ¹µÁÊ of armour that ¸¶°ø¡Ê¤È¤Ê¤ë¡Ës me to ¤Ä¤Þ¤º¤¯ through my day, struggling with the simplest »Å»ö.

À臘¡¿À襤ing leaches my energy and keeps me ½üµî¤¹¤ëd from those I love. ¡Æ½üµî¤¹¤ëd¡Ç because it has stopped me ¸ºß honest with them.

Until recently (aforementioned ³«²ñ¡¿³«Äî¡¿²ñ´ü with Catherine), I have not felt able to expose my lovely husband to the ÈóÆñ of others, not when he is À臘¡¿À襤ing his own demons of Åܤ꡿Åܤë, ÉԷʵ¤ and ÈȺá. (Yes, indeed: your basic midlife ´íµ¡.)

¸ºß a battler has kept me silent, and it has kept me alone, over the past °¥¤ì¤Ê six months. Why? Because on my good days, I know that he¡Çs ²ÁÃ͡ʤ¬¤¢¤ë¡Ë loving and¡Äwhat if? What if he comes out of this and loves me again? ÈÝÄê? ÀäÂÐ.

But, as it turns out, ÈÝÄê is not a bad Àïά. It gives you time ? and time, it turns out, is a ¹­Âç¤Ê¡¿Â¿¿ô¤Î¡¿½ÅÍ×¤Ê help when ´íµ¡ ¹¶·â¤¹¤ë¡¤¾×ÆÍ¤¹¤ës a ´Ø·¸.

Victoria Beckham worked ÈÝÄê very °æ¸Í¡¿ÊÛ¸î»ÎÀÊ. Psychologist Susan Quilliam believes that all unhappy couples reach a ¡Æcrunch point¡Ç when there¡Çs an »ö·ï¡¿»ö¾ð¡¿¾õÀª, or when one person ¼ýÍÆ¤¹¤ë¡¿Ç§¤á¤ës they no longer love or wa nt sex with their partner.

¤¤¤Ä¤«s I see myself as a literal battler, encased in a rusty old ¹µÁÊ of armour that ¸¶°ø¡Ê¤È¤Ê¤ë¡Ës me to ¤Ä¤Þ¤º¤¯ through my day

When Victoria Beckham ÀßΩ¤¹¤ë out about Rebecca Loos, she donned her Louboutin stilettos and strode bravely through her ¼ºË¾.

But Susan Quilliam ·ùµ¿¼Ô¡¤ÍƵ¿¼Ô¡¿µ¿¤¦s that there had to be a bit more going on with the Beckhams than simple ÈÝÄê. ¡ÆAt the crunch point,¡Ç she says, ¡Æif the µñÀ䤹¤ëd person stays °ÂÄꤷ¤¿, and listens carefully to what the unhappy one has to say, the one who seemingly wants out can ¿­¤Ó¡Ê¤ë¡Ë »ëÌî and realise that they want the ´Ø·¸ after all.¡Ç

I am reminded of Zo? Ball¡Çs husband, Norman Cook, who remained ³Î¸Ç¤¿¤ë in ľÌ̤¹¤ë of her °æ¸Í¡¿ÊÛ¸î»ÎÀÊ-publicised infidelity. She stayed with him and now ¼ýÍÆ¤¹¤ë¡¿Ç§¤á¤ës to ¸ºß a cake-baking, happily married ¡ÆStepford wife¡Ç (her words). Cook¡Çs stoicism turned their ´Ø·¸ around. She, too, is a bolter transformed into a battler.

So in this club, there is Zo?, me¡Ä and Madge!

At last, Madonna and I have something in ¤¢¤ê¤Õ¤ì¤¿. True, I would have preferred the wealth, the houses or the thighs, but it appears that what we ³ô is an ability to keep hoping that a ´Ø·¸ will work out, ¸¢Íø up to the end.

Who knew that this former uber-bolter would have shown such sticking ÎÏ¡¿¶¯ÎϤˤ¹¤ë in her now ¾ÃÌǤ·¤¿¡¿»à¤ó¤À marriage to Guy Ritchie? And such ÈÝÄê! It has since ¸½¤ì¤ëd that she hoped, until days before the Î¥º§ ¹ð¼¨, that she and Ritchie could work it out ? ¤Ë¤â¤«¤«¤ï¤é¤º no sex for 18 months and an atmosphere so Í­ÆÇ¤Ê that they couldn¡Çt ÂѤ¨¤ë to be i n the same room. It was he who decided to call in the lawyers.

Why did the multimillionaire feminist icon, with no need for a husband to give her ºâÀ¯¾å¤Î °ÂÁ´, turn from bolter to battler?

For the same ¿äÏÀ¤¹¤ë¡¿Íýͳs that all of us do, I imagine ? you remember the good times (in my »öÎã¡¿´µ¼Ô, not so long ago, when I slept every night wrapped in his Éð´ï and was told daily how gorgeous I was).

I ·ùµ¿¼Ô¡¤ÍƵ¿¼Ô¡¿µ¿¤¦ that Madonna and I ³ô that wistfulness, and also a ¿¼¤¤ ¶²¤ì¤ë of ¼ºÇÔ. Unlike Madonna, I¡Çve never craved world »ÙÇÛ, but my one ambition was to have a happy love life.

Like Madonna, I was really ´¶¼Õ¤¹¤ë to think that at least I¡Çd got that bit ¸¢Íø. And it¡Çs very shaming to ¼ýÍÆ¤¹¤ë¡¿Ç§¤á¤ë we messed up. We both got complacent and were busy, busy, busy. Admittedly, she was busy with her world ¾®Î¹¹Ô¤¹¤ë and ¼ýÆþ $1.5 million a night, and I was busy with the school run, but still¡Ä

Madge ¹ÔÊýÉÔÌÀ¤Ë¤Ê¤ëd Ritchie¡Çs tipping point and was ¶²¤é¤¯ shocked and distraught when the end ¡Êµ¡¤Î¡Ë¥«¥à. I was too busy finding a good plumber to Áª¤Ö up on Ä´°õ¤¹¤ës such as an escalation of Èãɾ and a general gloominess of spirits.

In typical male style, my partner didn¡Çt ³ô the true depth of his ÉԷʵ¤ until it was very serious and, in his ÃíÌܤ¹¤ë¡¤¤â¤¯¤í¤às, the ´Ø·¸ had failed.

battlerVSbolter

How long can I continue in ÈÝÄê?? Not for ever. If bolters can turn into battlers, the µÕž¤¹¤ë is true: battlers may ·ë¶É bolt if their partner does not change »ëÌî.

Meg Ryan has finally ǧ¤á¤ë that her much publicised »ö·ï¡¿»ö¾ð¡¿¾õÀª with Russell Crowe was a reaction to the serial infidelity of her then-husband Dennis Quaid. Meg is open about her collusion in putting up with it. ¡ÆI was in that marriage for a very long time,¡Ç she says.

The Àïά of letting things ±³¡Ê¤ò¤Ä¤¯¡Ë didn¡Çt work in her »öÎã¡¿´µ¼Ô, but it¡Çs °ìÈÌ¤Ë a good one, says Relate therapist Paula Hall. ¡ÆEmotion often clouds the ·èÄ꡿ȽÄ꾡¤Á¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë-making ²áÄø,¡Ç she says. ¡ÆIn a ¥·¥Ê¥ê¥ª where one person loves and one doesn¡Çt, we often feel °µÅݤ¹¤ëd by ÉÔ³ÎÄê and driven into bolting ? but the ½ÅÍ×¤Ê thing for both parties is not to make ·èÄ꡿ȽÄ꾡¤Á¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ës in a hurry. Give it time.¡Ç

But what if time and ÈÝÄê do not work? Should I ask him to leave? Take a °ì»þŪ¤Ê break? Would ¡Æspace¡Ç help? (It did for singer Cheryl Cole when she chucked out husband Ashley ¤Ë°ú¤­Â³¤¤¤Æ his infidelity.)

¡ÆIt depends,¡Ç says Paula Hall. ¡Æ¤¤¤Ä¤«s, if one partner doesn¡Çt want the ´Ø·¸, then a clean break is best for both parties.¡Ç

In other words, pretend-bolting ¡Æto teach him a lesson¡Ç isn¡Çt ²ÁÃ͡ʤ¬¤¢¤ë¡Ë trying. It could be the high-´í¸± Àïά that finally finishes us. And battlers should leave high ´í¸± to the bolters.

One difference, ÌÀ¤é¤«¤Ë, between bolters and battlers is that bolters are better ¤Õ¤µ¤ï¤·¤¤ to high-´í¸± Àïάs such as leaving, because they have cushioned themselves by ¿È¤ò°ú¤¯ing and not letting softer feelings get in the way.

On the other ¼êÅϤ¹, battlers are still craving ´Ø·¸: if they ¿È¤ò°ú¤¯ and the ´Ø·¸ ends, they are ľÌ̤¹¤ëing a lifetime of ²ù¤¤¤ë as they ÈóÆñ¤¹¤ë themselves for »Ï¤á¤ëing the ʬÎö¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë.

The bolters

Ulrika Jonsson

Ulrika Jonsson, at 41, is already on her third husband. No Ä´°õ¤¹¤ë of her bolting again, but it¡Çs only been a year¡Ä
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Ivana Trump

Ivana Trump? has clocked up four husbands since 1971, and has also written a guide to Î¥º§. She should know.

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Drew Barrymore



Drew Barrymore managed five weeks with her first husband and under a year with her second.

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Jared Harris and Emilia Fox


Emilia Fox recently ¤È¤¸¹þ¤ß¡¿Äó½Ð¤¹¤ëd for Î¥º§ from actor Jared Harris, whom friends ½Ò¤Ù¤ë as ¡Ædifficult¡Ç. Too difficult, it seems.




So, no raising the ²Ð·º¡¿ÅÒ¤±¤ës for me. Anyway, I don¡Çt think I can bolt until there is no hope. I assume that, when children are ȼ¤¦¡¿´Ø¤ï¤ëd, À臘¡¿À襤ing is good and bolting is bad. Which is why, I guess, both of us are hanging on to our ´Ø·¸ by our fingernails.

Another ¿äÏÀ¤¹¤ë¡¿Íýͳ not to bolt is that there is no ÊÝ¾Ú¡Ê¿Í¡Ë that either of us would be happier. When a group of men and women who had Êó¹ð¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë¡¿²±Â¬d ¸ºß ¡Ævery unhappy¡Ç in their marriages were traced five years later, nearly 80 per cent of those who had stayed together said their marriages were now ¡Æhappy¡Ç, È¿¤·¤Æ those who had ʬÎö¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë up were, on the whole, still not happy. Even those who had Î¥º§d and remarried were no happier on ÉáÄ̤Ρ¿Ê¿¶Ñ¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë than those who¡Çd stayed in their ½é¤á¤Î marriage.

There is also ¾Úµò that men ²ù¤¤¤ë splitting up more than women do ? I guess that when a marriage ¹¶·â¤¹¤ë¡¤¾×ÆÍ¤¹¤ës problems, the practical male brain just wants to ºï¸º¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë and run, but É餫¤¹¡¿·âÄÆ¤¹¤ë the line he finds that the grass is most emphatically not greener.

But what seems ¡Êµ¿¤¤¤ò¡ËÀ²¤é¤¹ is that even if we do come through this, I can¡Çt have my old ´Ø·¸ »Ù±ç¤¹¤ë.

ÀìÌç²Ès agree that once a ´Ø·¸ ¹¶·â¤¹¤ë¡¤¾×ÆÍ¤¹¤ës serious problems, it has to be renegotiated if it¡Çs to work again. Which is difficult when you can¡Çt get your partner to talk to you.

We have always had a very ¸ÀÍդΠ´Ø·¸ ? chatting endlessly, ¿³µÄing, giggling, planning. The hardest thing ha s been his ÉÔËÜ°Õ to talk to me. Our Åܤ꡿Åܤë has been so corrosive that we just can¡Çt communicate. But I have finally broken him É餫¤¹¡¿·âÄÆ¤¹¤ë and ¼çÄ¥¤¹¤ëd we talk more, because ÀìÌç²Ès agree that talking is ɬ¿Ü¤Î.

I assume that,
when children are ȼ¤¦¡¿´Ø¤ï¤ëd, À臘¡¿À襤ing
is good and
bolting bad

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US ´Ø·¸s coach Penny Tupy Îá¾õs on her website (rejoicing in the »ØÌ¾¤¹¤ë saveyourmarriagecentral.com): ¡ÆMen typically ÈÝÄꤹ¤ë a strong need for conversation. And yet it is °ÂÁ´¤Ê to say that without conversation many of men¡Çs intimate needs go unmet.

'Women whose husbands are having »ö·ï¡¿»ö¾ð¡¿¾õÀªs tell me that their husbands are wildly in love with women who spend time talking to and listening to them¡Ä It is the good feelings À¸À®¤¹¤ëd by those needs ¸ºß met in conversation ? ¾Þ»¿, º·É¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë¡¦ÅÀ, attention, a sense of importance ? that lead to the next step, that of physical intimacy.¡Ç

So I¡Çve been listening respectfully. I¡Çve ¼õÂ÷¤¹¤ëd (and it took time) that it¡Çs not all his fault. I should have listened better and ¹â¤¯É¾²Á¤¹¤ë¡¿¡ÊÁê¾ì¤Ê¤É¤¬¡Ë¾å¤¬¤ëd more that the past few years have been difficult for him (work, health, life in general). I could have been more supportive.

Last night, after another emotionally wrought heart-to-heart, he raised my hopes by agreeing that he will go to couples counselling with me¡Äbut then dashed them a second later by Àâ he is ¡Ænot open to the idea¡Ç that it will do any good.

I feel like telling him to stuff it. What on earth is the point if he is so »Ï¤á¤ë¡¤·è¤á¤ë against me and values our ´Ø·¸ so little?

Afterwards, I retired to bed and lay À±¡¿¼çÌò¤Ë¤¹¤ëing at the Å·°æ thinking, ¡ÆHe says one thing, but means another. Has he always been mad and I just never noticed?¡ Ç (I ·ùµ¿¼Ô¡¤ÍƵ¿¼Ô¡¿µ¿¤¦ that all people in my position have felt like this.)

As he entered our bedroom he let out a theatrical sigh. But when he saw my mutinous ľÌ̤¹¤ë, he did have the grace to mutter, ¡ÆI¡Çm sighing because the radiator in the bathroom is ϳ¤ì¤ëing again.¡Ç

I started to laugh and we lay in bed and talked light-heartedly about that evening¡Çs conversation. He held my ¼êÅϤ¹ for the first time in months.

And so I climb »Ù±ç¤¹¤ë on the roller coaster. This once-proud bolter is now a hapless battler, and will seemingly put up with »ö¼Â¾å anything in the hope that our love can À¸¤­»Ä¤ë his ·çÇ¡¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë of Íø±×¡¿¶½Ì£ in ¡Æus¡Ç.?

All you bolters out there, I agree with you: I am a wimp. I ·ùµ¿¼Ô¡¤ÍƵ¿¼Ô¡¿µ¿¤¦ it is only those of you (hey, Madonna!) who have ever turned yourselves into battlers who will know how I ¡Êµ¡¤Î¡Ë¥«¥à to this.

Either way, please wish me luck as I Google ¡Æcouples counsellor¡Ç. Still in ÈÝÄê. Still travelling hopefully.


Learn from your opposite

Psychologist Susan Quilliam believes that some ´Ø·¸ problems can be solved if we learn from each other:

WHAT BATTLERS DO BEST Battlers believe ¡Æit¡Çs not about me, it¡Çs about us¡Ç, È¿¤·¤Æ bolters ²òÊü¤¹¤ë¡¿Å±µî¤µ¤»¤ë. Not wanting to see value in the ´Ø·¸ they are »¼ºing in »öÎã¡¿´µ¼Ô they feel remor se, they ¼­Âह¤ë to ò¤¯¡¿Åé¤à. This »Ï¤á¤ë¡¤·è¤á¤ës them up for ÉԷʵ¤ later on. Learn to reconnect and empathise with your partner.
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WHERE BOLTERS TRIUMPH In their need to keep things going, battlers sacrifice a lot of self-º·É¡Ê¤¹¤ë¡Ë¡¦ÅÀ and »Ï¤á¤ë¡¤·è¤á¤ë aside their own feelings. They need to re-engage the Êݸî¤Î part that puts themselves first. Learn to »Ï¤á¤ë¡¤·è¤á¤ë stronger ¶­³¦s.
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  • Should our writer, Victoria, bolt or À臘¡¿À襤 on? Äɲ乤ë your comments below
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