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At the end of her third date with a man called Jack*, Kitty Ruskin tried to say goodbye and 設立する herself 存在 掴むd by the throat. They were standing outside a train 駅／配置する, and Jack held her in this shockingly violent way while he kissed her.
'I'll text you, okay?' he smiled afterwards, as if nothing had happened. The next morning he messaged to ask if she'd got home 安全な.
He was the second of ten men she'd met as part of an 実験 she'd 始める，決める herself at the beginning of 2019: to spend a year having casual sex. She has written about what happened during that year in Ten Men, a 乱すing, tell-all account which will leave many people horrified by its 描写 of internet dating, and how 攻撃を受けやすい young women are to predatory and いつかs violent men.
Her 実験 had its roots in a 外傷／ショック she'd 苦しむd when she was just ten. A boy the same age had asked her to be his girlfriend and had then sexually 強襲，強姦d her, telling her: 'This is what girlfriends do.' The 出来事/事件 had left her with an aversion to kissing, let alone sex, that stayed with her throughout her teenage years.
Kitty Ruskin 始める，決める herself an 実験 at the beginning of 2019... to spend a year having casual sex, after a 性の 強襲，強姦 in her childhood left her with an aversion even to kissing
It was only when she was in her 早期に 20s, and had watched a 文書の on 生存者s of 性の 強襲，強姦, that she finally 受託するd that the 強襲，強姦 had taken place. She told those の近くに to her what had happened. 'The 救済 was incredible', she says. 'Sex 徐々に stopped 存在 a 脅すing, impure thing.
'Finally, I （機の）カム to 条件 with the fact that something bad had happened to me years ago. Most importantly, I understood that it was something I no longer needed to feel ashamed of or 押し進める 負かす／撃墜する or ignore. I didn't need to bury it. The shame wasn't 地雷 to 耐える.'
She was 22 when she lost her virginity to Matt*, whom she had known since she was 14. Although neither of them 手配中の，お尋ね者 to continue the 関係, he was 肉親，親類d and gentle, and her 苦悩s about sex melted away.
'As 2019 began, I had one goal, one New Year's 決意／決議: to stop 存在 so precious about who I had sex with. I decided to have sex with as many people as I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to.
'Coincidentally (or perhaps not), it was during this time that I started binge-watching Sex And The City. Samantha became my 向こうずねing example, with her 上昇傾向d nose and flicked blonde hair; her 手渡す around a man's tie as she pulled him inside.
'No more 犯罪. No more self-loathing. No more self-制限. I was 解放するd and fearless. I was Samantha.'
She was working for a start-up company in London and 解決するd to （不足などを）補う for lost time using dating apps like Tinder and Hinge.
Her first 遭遇（する） was with Joel*, a model who had big brown 注目する，もくろむs and a brilliant smile. When they met, 'he smiled 負かす／撃墜する at me like I was something nice he'd fallen upon by 事故 ― a 続けざまに猛撃する coin wedged between two sofa cushions, or the last Malteser in a box you were about to throw away.'
Although she was 確かな that Joel was just the sort of man Sex and the City's Samantha would have gone home with, she didn't sleep with him until their second date. That was when she discovered that Joel's bedroom 含む／封じ込めるd bondage equipme nt, which he proceeded to use on her without 事前の discussion.
Joel sent her a message the day after their date, but she didn't reply. Looking 支援する on the experience much later, she 反映するs that: 'Women are often led to believe that sex is something which might take us by surprise. Something flattering which we should go along with, in whatever form it takes.'
Two months later, she went on a Tinder date with Jack*, who was 熟考する／考慮するing for a PhD, and was '利益／興味ing, funny and smart'. By the time the evening was over, she was smiling from ear to ear.
'I enjoyed how he made me feel: warm and 安全な・保証する and admired and 高く評価する／（相場などが）上がるd.'
The second date also went swimmingly, until they went 支援する to Jack's flat, where things took an 半端物 turn. Once they'd had sex, Jack turned to her and asked casually if she 手配中の，お尋ね者 to join a 宗教 he was 設立するing. As she mumbled a polite reply, Ruskin wondered whether she had inadvertently just agreed to join a 教団.
When she left the next morning, she was 決定するd not to see him again, but felt 圧力d to go on a third date when he said he'd bought concert tickets for them both.
And then the date ended with his 手渡す around her throat.
'It probably only lasted a couple of seconds, but they felt agonisingly slow. I couldn't breathe, and my feet weren't やめる on the 床に打ち倒す.'
支援する home, she started sobbing. 'I felt very, very bad on the walk home,' she 令状s. 'Fragmented and nauseous and 混乱させるd.'
Worse was to come with her next 遭遇（する）. After a party where she'd had a couple glasses of punch and 発射 of whisky, she and her friends went to a 妨げる／法廷，弁護士業 in Camden Town. She had a 選び出す／独身 vodka and coke ― and then 黒人／ボイコットd out, something which didn't 普通は happen after two or three drinks. Had her drink been spiked? She doesn't know.
When she （機の）カム 一連の会議、交渉／完成する she was lying in the 支援する of a taxi next to Conor*, an auburn-haired man she had been dancing with in the 妨げる／法廷，弁護士業. Although she couldn't remember telling him her 演説（する）／住所, they were on the way to her flat.
Once they were inside, he carried her to the sofa, tore off her 着せる／賦与するs and, although she was far too drunk to 同意, had unprotected sex with her. The next morning he seemed やめる unconcerned by what had happened.
Months later, she was walking through London when she started crying uncontrollably, unable to shake off flashbacks of Conor 軍隊ing himself on her. She （機の）カム to the slow, agonising realisation that she had been 強姦d. 'My mind was slow to 受託する that my 団体／死体 had been 強姦d because of self-defence,' she 令状s. 'After something traumatic happens, you don't want to 認める that it's happened. You don't feel ready to 直面する it, or 有能な of admitting it.
'That's why I feel angry when I see comments online about it 'taking so long' for 犠牲者s to come 今後,' she goes on, 'as if that negates their （人命などを）奪う，主張する. It can take weeks or months or years before you're even cognisant of the fact that you've been 強姦d.
'People who 港／避難所't experienced 強姦 will never know this, but it doesn't make it いっそう少なく true.'
She was also 気が進まない to 認める the 強姦 because 'I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to believe that women could have casual sex … without the 脅し of 強姦 or 強襲，強姦. That they could be as 解放するd and fearless as they liked. The 代案／選択肢 was too 荒涼とした to consider.'
Unfortunately, she （機の）カム to realise that this 荒涼とした 代案／選択肢 was much closer to the truth than her 初期の, 希望に満ちた 見通し.
'Carefree, casual sex is just one more avenue の近くにd off to women ― another part of life we can't see and feel first-手渡す. '
A large part of the problem, she believes, is the ready availability of pornography on the internet, where men 'can scroll through an endless stream of ビデオs in which women are 傷つける and humiliated, in which men are 積極的な and する権利を与えるd and 肉体的に abusive. The 存在 of these ビデオs on porn 場所／位置s 示唆するs that these things are sexy.
'倫理的な, feminist porn does 存在する, but there's also some very dark pornography out there, and a 欠如（する） of 同意 is 定期的に normalised ― even glorified.'
Because it took months to 過程 the fact that she'd been 強姦d, she didn't have any 即座の hesitations about dating, 地位，任命する-Conor.
Kitty’s 実験 to have casual sex for a year was 奮起させるd by Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones
'Perhaps there was a part of me, too, that 手配中の，お尋ね者 to 反逆者／反逆する against the 犠牲者 status I was faintly cognisant of, 深い 負かす／撃墜する,' she 追加するs. 'By continuing to go on dates, I felt that I was shaking off the chains of victimhood; 証明するing that I could and would have enjoyable, consensual sex. This could be my sparky, lighthearted year of debauchery yet.'
Her next 会合 was with Leo*, a photographer, who was 'unbelievably attractive … so handsome, yet so gentlemanly.'
They seemed to have a 本物の 関係, but after they had sex he didn't text her for weeks. When he got 支援する in touch he 繰り返して begged her for another date, then ghosted her after she agreed to 会合，会う.
Leo popped up again with another cheery message a fortnight later, but she didn't reply this time.
'All of Leo's quirks and stories and 深く心に感じた words had been nothing more than smoke and mirrors,' she 反映するs ruefully.
Her next date was with Owen*, who she didn't find 特に attractive, but who seemed quirky and funny. He was also an excellent kisser.
Owen appeared 全く smitten with her, texting her 絶えず and complaining when she didn't reply. His intensity made her feel a little uneasy, but: 'There was something 中毒の about his adoration,' she 令状s. It puffed 'me up when I felt deflated; ブイ，浮標ing me when I felt my insecurities pulling me under. I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to keep his compliments in my mind, tight and 安全な・保証する like a precious message in a 瓶／封じ込める.'
She agreed to see him a third time, but on this occasion Owen seemed 孤立した and sullen. When he sent her a message calling off their 関係, she felt as if she had been punched in the stomach 'by a guy I wasn't even that keen on'.
Three days later, he was in touch again, asking to 会合，会う up, but she 辞退するd.
'How had a person who once made me feel so 確信して pulled the rug out from under me?' she asked herself. Owen, she decided, was a classic 'love 爆撃機', building her up only to 涙／ほころび her 負かす／撃墜する again.
Far from 存在 相互に 実行するing, her 遭遇（する）s with men were ますます leaving her feeling 'blindsided, messed around, 混乱させるd.'
She decided that perhaps flings, without any affection, weren't really for her.
'I liked the idea of having sex with someone who cared about me; someone who had regard for my feelings … perhaps sex within a 関係 would leave me feeling more 満足させるd, more 権力を与えるd.'
Scrolling through Hinge and Tinder, she spotted James*, who was 'almost ethereally beautiful'. When they first met he was strangely 暗い／優うつな, 'a human raincloud', but as the evening wore on he changed, becoming funny and likeable.
'James wasn't like anyone I'd met b efore … all of a sudden I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to 落ちる 深く，強烈に and blindly with no hope of return.'
After they slept together for the first time, she almost floated home on a cloud of happiness. When they met up again, they kissed under a streetlamp, 'a perfect kiss: tender and affectionate and blissfully romantic.'
But 支援する at her flat, he suddenly seemed 打ち勝つ with 怒り／怒る. Pinning her to the bed, he grabbed her 概略で, then began having sex with her.
'Wait a second,' she told him. 'Condom.'
To her shock, James didn't stop. She blinked. Was he ignoring her?
'Condom,' she repeated, clearer this time, but he didn't stop.
She never saw him again, and it took several months for her to 収容する／認める to herself that she had been 強姦d again. 存在 強姦d twice in one year brought 'an almost unbearable 負わせる of grief'.
It somehow seemed even worse than 存在 強姦d by Conor, perhaps because she had felt she was developing feelings for James.
Ruskin ended her 実験 'broken up and dishevelled … 納得させるd that 暴力／激しさ was synonymous with sex.'
It had been nothing like the zany, consensual escapades of Sex And The City. She says her experience was not unusual; she has met many young women over the years who have had 類似して unpleasant experiences.
Part of the problem of modern dating, she says, lies with dating apps and their anonymity and 欠如（する） of accountability, which 許すs men to 強襲，強姦 women '安全な in the knowledge that their family and friends will never find out.'
Another big 問題／発行する, Kitty 令状s in her 調書をとる／予約する, is that so many men don't seem to understand the 概念 of 同意
Society's apathy is also a problem.
'Women are routinely 強姦d and 強襲，強姦d, and it's swept under the rug,' she 観察するs. 'Why are we so okay with this? As a society, why do we shrug it off? Why is 苦しむing seen as part and 小包 of 存在 a woman?
'Often, women are the ones held 責任がある 存在 attacked by people they 会合，会う online. We 受託する that some men will 必然的に 強襲，強姦 women, and that it's up to the woman to 位置／汚点／見つけ出す this in a man and 避ける him; to turn him 負かす／撃墜する before he gets into her bedroom. We're frequently told to be on the 警戒／見張り; to be careful not to put ourselves in dangerous 状況／情勢s.
'But the onus should not be on us to 避ける 性の 強襲，強姦 ― the onus should be on men not to 強襲，強姦 us. You shouldn't have to get to know a guy before having sex with him, to give him the all-（疑いを）晴らす before letting him into your bedroom.
'Firstly, because it's 深く，強烈に 不正な that men can have first date sex with as many women as they like 解放する／自由な of 恐れる and 苦悩, and we can't.
'Secondly, because there is no one-size-fits-all for rapists. They're not always 脅すing men lurking in alleyways or creepy guys hanging around clubs. いつかs they're clean-削減（する） businessmen or 政府 公式の／役人s; いつかs they're 極度の慎重さを要する academics who （人命などを）奪う，主張する to be feminists; いつかs they're your boyfriend of six years.'
Another big 問題／発行する, she 令状s, is that so many men don't seem to understand the 概念 of 同意. Many of the men who mistreated her over 2019 didn't seem to be aware they'd done anything wrong, 'requesting その上の dates and reminiscing about the '広大な／多数の／重要な time' they'd had.'
'Is misogyny so ingrained that these men didn't care if they made me uncomfortable?' she asks. 'Has violent porn 納得させるd them that rough choking is what women want? Is it a 事柄 of cruelty o r a 事柄 of ignorance, or both?'
Kitty says traumatic memories of what happened still 影響する／感情 her ― she was on antidepressants and in therapy for years (とじ込み／提出する photo)
The traumatic memories of what happened still 影響する／感情 her ― she was on antidepressants and in therapy for years, and received the 診断するs of Generalised 苦悩 Disorder and PTSD. What struck her was 'how far-reaching the psychological 衝撃 of 強姦 and 性の 強襲，強姦 is'.
'So why, as a society, aren't we talking more about the 強襲，強姦 on women's mental health, 財政／金融s and careers, 同様に as on their 団体／死体s? Why are we 推定する／予想するing women to muddle through a 明言する／公表する of psychological overload; 養育するing everyone else while they feel 後援d inside?
'Why aren't we 取り去る／解体するing 強姦 culture with a greater sense of 緊急? 苦痛 shouldn't be synonymous with the 女性（の） experience, but we 行為／法令／行動する like it is.
'Men: let's take the problem of 強姦 culture off the 支援する burner. Let's pull it 負かす／撃墜する from the shelf and look at it, even though doing so might make you feel uncomfortable. 有罪の, even. It may make you feel uneasy, but women are tired of shouldering all this 恐れる and 外傷／ショック.
'We're buckling under the 負わせる. We're tired of feeling under 包囲. And we are so, so tired of 存在 強姦d.'
* 指名するs have been changed.