My 21-year-old son died in an unfathomably 無作為の 事故 - and that was the end of my old life. However, he's still with me every day… 令状s KATHRYN FLETT

• Kathryn Flett is 持つ／拘留するing a music festival in her son Jackson's memory? get tickets for JackoFest by clicking here. 

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On Tuesday 19 September 2023, I wrote a Substack piece about that week's big story, Russell Brand, and (によれば my texts), I messaged my eldest son, Jackson, at 17.38: I 地位，任命するd my Substack.

He knew I'd been 令状ing most of the afternoon and the message 速く bounced 支援する with a heart emoji 大（公）使館員d. Lazy of both of us, really, as he was only on the other 味方する of the 塀で囲む that separates my home office from the living room where he was sitting, typically multitasking: watching the big TV on the 塀で囲む, with his laptop on his 膝s and phone in his 手渡す. A few minutes later, while tidying my 数字表示式の desktop, I heard a muffled 'Mum!', so I got up and went in.

'Yup?'

'I think this is probably a very good piece but what are you 説 正確に／まさに, about Brand? I mean, I've skimmed it! I should probably read it 適切に, 権利?'

'Up to you, always in terested to hear your thoughts but maybe read one thing at a time?!'

'Yeah, yeah, I'll read it again. Look I'm going out in a bit, 会合 the lads. I'm going to make a burger first, though.'

'There's a stubby beer in the garage fridge if you want one. I'm going to do some more work. Don't forget I'm going to Cornwall tomorrow, leaving 早期に.'

'Ah, so do you want me to come 支援する from the flat first and say goodbye?'

I'd given Jackson the 重要なs to a nearby empty 賃貸しの I owned that was between tenants, on the grounds that I didn't want to be woken by my famously 激しい-footed son and a couple of his mates coming 支援する late. 'Don't be silly. You probably won't be awake when we leave, much いっそう少なく 支援する here.'

He laughed. 'Better say goodbye now.'

We hugged.

'Have fun,' I said, though it was just a Tuesday night ? 地元の pub, game of pool. No biggie.

'I will!' said Jackson.

'Love you,' I said.

'Love you, too,' said Jackson.

He went downstairs, made a burger, drank a stubby beer and chatted with my partner, Julian. It was maybe 20 minutes later when, from my first-床に打ち倒す office window, I saw Jackson leaving the house. He put in his Airpods as he crunched over our short gravel 運動 then turned left out of the gate, on to the main road, 長，率いるing 負かす／撃墜する the hill to the flat.

He didn't turn around and wave at his mum. Why would he? This wasn't a movie. He was just a 21-year-old man at the tail end of what he'd 述べるd as 'the perfect summer', going out for a few hours with two of his best mates before he woke up on Wednesday morning and 割れ目d on with the 残り／休憩（する） of his life. He had a lot of 計画（する）s.

Except there wasn't a Wednesday morning for Jackson. Because at だいたい 12.50am, after an unfathomably 無作為の 偶発の 落ちる into a 無効の 歓待 space on Hastings seafront ? the 中庭, where the 妨げる／法廷，弁護士業s and caf?s were all の近くにd ? my eldest son died 即時に.

によれば the toxicology 報告（する）／憶測, he was neither 過度に drunk ? he'd had about three pints ? nor under the 影響（力） of 麻薬s. It had rained and he'd bounced up on his toes, leaning too far 今後 over a lethally low 保持するing 塀で囲む and... he kept going. 

That he was about to 落ちる headfirst on to 固める／コンクリート, much いっそう少なく die as a result, would barely have 登録（する）d. It was a freak 事故 made more freakish by the fact that Jackson was a First Dan 黒人／ボイコット belt in karate, with the balance of a mountain goat. Nonetheless, the 暫定的な death 証明書 明言する／公表するd that the '正確な 原因（となる） of death was 1a) Comminuted depressed skull fractures with brain lacerations. 1b) 大規模な 長，率いる 傷害. 1c) 落ちる from 高さ (証言，証人／目撃するd)'.

同様に as 存在 証言，証人／目撃するd by his friends, it was all 逮捕（する）d on CCTV.

So those are the facts, for the 記録，記録的な／記録する.

And 同様に as 存在 the end of Jackson's life, that was the end of my old life, too. Everything since 1.45am on Wednesday 20 September 2023 ? which is when the 孤独な policeman turned up at my door to break the news that my vividly alive 21-year-old son, the 最近の physics 卒業生（する） who had just landed a 井戸／弁護士席-paid modelling 職業 and who had the whole of the 残り／休憩（する） of a 向こうずねing life ahead of him, was dead ? belongs to an ent irely different other life, now consigned to the past.

My new life, a mere six months old, is however a place in which I still have two sons, only one of whom is 肉体的に alive. The other is alive inside me (where, によれば an academic 熟考する／考慮する from 2012, some of my sons' 独房s almost certainly remain).

As I 試験的に 交渉する this liminal space, Jackson …を伴ってs me, all day, every day. He may not text me emojis, nonetheless I feel his energy ? always very powerful in life ? 運動ing me, helping me navigate a 悲劇 that is dreaded by all parents. His energy helps me 対処する with the way this cruel and 残虐な loss will continue to 衝撃 the 残り／休憩（する） of my life. Which, even in these 早期に days, I can 確認する it does in every 考えられる way ? and many 信じられない ways, too.

I am only halfway through my own Year of Magical Thinking and Jackson is already an insect 逮捕（する）d in amber; he never saw 2024, or war between イスラエル and パレスチナ. When he died, AI imagery still couldn't （判決などを）下す 納得させるing fingers, 刺激（する）s were on a winning streak and Oppenheimer ? the last film we saw together ? hadn't yet won Oscars and Baftas. 

一方／合間, as Studio Ghibli fans, we were both still looking 今後 to the 解放（する） of Hayao Miyazaki's now Bafta- and Oscar-winning The Boy and the Heron. I'd bought tickets but Jackson didn't know that.

20 March 2024 (正確に／まさに six months since his death) was a day without him 肉体的に yet he is everywhere around me. It is no time since he died… yet it is all the time. I 努力する／競う to を取り引きする my loss by leaning in to the rolling 津波 of grief, as and when it suddenly 攻撃する，衝突するs. 許すing myself to truly feel these emotions is the painful place where I connect ? reconnect ? with my son. Because that's the space in which our love still lives; we were very の近くに in life and we're still very の近くに.

One of the many ways I am 試みる／企てるing to 対処する with my loss has been to create a music festival (raising money for charities supporting （死が）奪い去るd parents and siblings) in Jackson's memory. As a family, we are all about music ? my father was a lyricist whose words have been sung by Elvis Presley, Ray Charles, Joe Cocker, Frankie Valli and many more besides ? while Jackson was never happier than when he was standing in a field with his mates watching live music.

JackoFest will take place on 27 July at the  De La Warr Pavilion in Bexhill-on-Sea, the day before what would have been his 22nd birthday. The idea rose 不死鳥／絶品-like out of the ashes of a party we had already planned for 2024, celebrating my 60th and my youngest son's 18th. With Jackson turning 22, we 追加するd up to 100 and had planned a multigenerational 'centenary' bash in a 地元の pub where Jackson occasionally worked during uni breaks. 

Instead, the Marina Fountain in St Leonards-on-Sea ended up 持つ／拘留するing my son's 記録，記録的な／記録する-breaking (the pub's biggest ever 妨げる／法廷，弁護士業 take) wake, on 14 October last year.

We have more artists still to 発表する ? however, tickets are 現在／一般に on sale for my festival of maternal love. It's for Jackson's brother, Rider, and all their friends, and my friends, and the boys' wider family, and anyone else who wants to join us ? in honour of the 驚くべき／特命の／臨時の young man whom it was my 特権 to grow, and then once born, to get to know.

For me, it's Jackson's love that lives on.

And it's that love which will continue to define the 形態／調整 of the 残り／休憩（する） of the lives of his family and friends. He was ひどく loyal to us, as we are to him. We 行方不明になる him and we love him, and he knows it.

He is Stardust, he is Golden.

For more （警察などへの）密告，告訴（状） and JackoFest tickets visit dlwp.com/event/jackofest. Kathryn's 料金 for this article will be used to 寄付する tickets to deserving 受取人s, 含むing 類似して （死が）奪い去るd families

My 21-year-old son died in an unfathomably 無作為の 事故 - and that was the end of my old life. However, he's still with me every day… 令状s KATHRYN FLETT