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Enthralled by Ariana Grande’s concert at Manchester 円形競技場, my 14-year-old daughter Eve and I had been bopping to the 急速な／放蕩な songs and waving our 武器 aloft during the ballads for 90 minutes.
At one point, I stood behind Eve and took her 手渡すs in 地雷, swaying her playfully from 味方する to 味方する. If she was embarrassed by my dad dancing, she didn’t show it.
After singing One Last Time, one of her best-known 攻撃する，衝突するs, the 星／主役にする 出口d the 行う／開催する／段階 to 準備する for the encore and that was our cue to leave because Eve was 改訂するing for her mock GCSEs and we 手配中の，お尋ね者 to （警官の）巡回区域，受持ち区域 the traffic.
As we chattered and clattered 負かす／撃墜する the 大部分は empty steps to the outside 回廊（地帯）s, around a hundred parents milled about in the City Room, the open ロビー 主要な from the 円形競技場 to the car park and 鉄道 駅／配置する.
The 影響 of the deadly 円形競技場 残虐（行為） in 2017
Just hours before the 悲劇, ツバメ Hibbert and daughter Eve enjoy a pre-concert meal
They were waiting 根気よく for their teenage kids to 現れる, 紅潮／摘発するd and exuberant, from the show.
With a pang, I realised it was just a 事柄 of time before Eve 発表するd that she’d like to …に出席する her next concert with her friends rather than her old dad. I’d be the one waiting for her, ちらりと見ることing at my phone 審査する, ?jangling my car 重要なs.
I don’t remember walking past a young man stooping under the 負わせる of a large rucksack on his 支援する or what happened next but I imagine Eve calling out ‘Daddy, Daddy, slow 負かす／撃墜する,’ as I trotted ahead, forgetting her 脚s were shorter than 地雷.
‘Sorry, love,’ I’d have said, 勧めるing her ahead and 落ちるing in behind her, a move which saved her life.
I kept my 注目する，もくろむ on the car park door. A few steps その上の on and then... BOOM!
A high-pitched, deafening noise roared through my ears and 殺到するd inside my brain. My feet left the ground. Just ahead of me, the steps ?juddered then turned の上に their 味方する. It took me a few seconds to realise that I was lying on the 床に打ち倒す, dazed and winded.
What the... I tried to move but nothing happened.
Through the jumble of 可能性s ― runaway トラックで運ぶ, car, train, one word flashed inside my 長，率いる. 爆弾. That’s all it could be.
We all know now, of course, that the man we had hurried past a few seconds earlier was 自殺 爆撃機 Salman Abedi.
His 激しい rucksack 含む／封じ込めるd more than 3,000 nuts and bolts packed tightly around a homemade 爆発性の 装置.
個々に, these small bits of metal are 害のない enough. But 爆破d through the 空気／公表する at 速度(を上げる） they become deadly 武器s.
They left ゴルフ ball-sized 穴を開けるs in 固める／コンクリート 塀で囲むs and metal doors. So you can imagine what they did to human flesh.
爆撃機 Abedi 逮捕（する）d on CCTV making his way to Manchester 円形競技場
Eve. EVE! I raised my 長，率いる an インチ off the ground before it sank, ひどく, 支援する into position. Where is she?
With my 長，率いる pillowed against my outstretched arm, my nostrils twitched, my brain trying to make sense of the stench now filling my nasal passages. 解雇する／砲火／射撃, acrid, shocking smoke, 燃やすd 着せる／賦与するs, singed hair, charred flesh, hot tar. Nausea stirred the depths of my stomach as it 夜明けd on me. Death. It was the smell of death.
‘Eve,’ I croaked. She was just a few metres ahead. Just out of reach. Lying on her 前線, on her left cheek. Her 注目する，もくろむs were の近くにd. 血 trickled from her gaping mouth as she gasped for breath, a horrifying 穴を開ける around her 権利 寺 exposing brain tissue.
Instinctively, I tried to move に向かって her but nothing happened. It felt like I’d been encased in 固く結び付ける. Stay 静める, stay 静める, I 勧めるd myself.
‘You’re 承認する,’ I wheezed. ‘I’m here. Daddy’s here.’ She continued to gasp. Like a fish out of water.
I became aware of a clammy wetness seeping through the 前線 of my 団体／死体. It was my 血, the speckled pattern on the 床に打ち倒す tiles disappearing as it spread like a silent cloak. This is bad.
I’d been 爆破d by 22 pieces of deadly shrapnel, one 宿泊するing in my spine, another 決裂ing a major artery in my neck, 原因（となる）ing 大規模な 血 loss. There were footsteps and 発言する／表明するs. A flash of a hi-vis jacket. A crackle of 無線で通信する. Shoes appeared in 前線 of me. 手渡すs reached under my 長，率いる.
A 発言する／表明する, in a strong Mancunian accent, kept up a continual stream of chatter.
‘What’s your 指名する? Where do you live? Who do you support?’ His 発言する／表明する was strong, 静める and 安心させるing. It took all my 成果／努力 to gasp each one-word answer.
‘Please,’ I whimpered, trying to gesture に向かって her with my 注目する，もくろむs. ‘My daughter.’
He asked: ‘How old are you?’ I grimaced and tried again. He wasn’t listening. ‘Help. My. Daughter,’ I rasped.
失望／欲求不満 井戸／弁護士席d up. A movement caught my 注目する，もくろむ, turning what little 血 was left in my veins to ice. I could see Eve’s hoodie, her ジーンズs, her trainers. But someone had placed a white covering over her 長，率いる. They think she’s dead.
A furious strength 爆発するd up through my oesophagus and out through my mouth. ‘Nnnngggg,’ I gasped to get my helper’s attention. ‘She’s alive, she’s breathing,’ I panted, 星／主役にするing intently at my daughter’s covered 団体／死体.
Nothing happened. No one had heard me. I tried again. Louder this time. ‘She’s ALIVE!’
The 成果／努力 drained me. Another flurried movement and the covering was pulled 支援する. I could see Eve’s beautiful, torn 直面する once more. ‘Stay,’ I gasped, praying she could hear me. ‘Stay with me, Eve. I’m here.’
Singer Ariana Grande has a large に引き続いて of teenage girls
ツバメ Hibbert has written a 調書をとる／予約する about his family's ordeal
The 22 犠牲者s of the terror attack in May 2017
Time はうd by. In the distance, I heard サイレン／魅惑的なs. Suddenly, there w as another flurry 近づく Eve. Once again, she disappeared from 見解（をとる）. 消費するd by 激怒（する）, I grunted my 抗議するs. For the love of God, stop covering her. She’s alive!
The 成果／努力 exhausted me. After each blissful blink, it took colossal energy to 軍隊 open my eyelids again. I had to stay conscious for Eve. What if someone covered her up yet again? I was the only one who could save her. A 冷淡な, 静める thought resonated through the 混乱: I’m dying. I had one 職業 to do before I went. To get Eve out. ‘We’re taking you outside to the 救急車s,’ said my saviour. ‘持つ／拘留する tight.’
‘Take Eve. Please, save my daughter,’ I begged as my 長，率いる was 解除するd （疑いを）晴らす of the 血.
Words were 交流d above me then, thank God, I was 支援する on the wet 床に打ち倒す. Through drooping eyelids, like a curtain lowering on a darkened 行う／開催する／段階, I watched Eve 存在 scooped の上に a piece of hoarding from a 商品／売買する stand and carried away.
‘Eve is 安全な,’ a 発言する／表明する said in my 長，率いる. ‘She’ll be 承認する. You can go now.’ ‘ツバメ?’ my saviour called.
‘Tell my wife,’ I groaned. ‘Tell Gabby I love her.’
A soft, 雪の降る，雪の多い whiteness （海，煙などが）飲み込むd me like a feather-filled duvet, bringing with it peace and 静める. There was no 恐れる or 苦痛. Just 救済. Blessed 救済.
I was going. I was gone.
May 22, 2017 should have been the date inscribed on my gravestone. Eve and I were the closest 生存者s to the 爆撃機. It’s a 奇蹟 that either of us made it.
But the night of the 爆破 wasn’t the first time my life nearly ended. I’d come terrifyingly の近くに just four months earlier.
And then it wasn’t 負かす／撃墜する to a deranged テロリスト. It was 完全に 負かす／撃墜する to me.
That period is painful to 解任する but it may help explai n how I 対処するd with the horror that ?Salman Abedi 抑えるのをやめるd at the Ariana Grande concert. And if it encourages others feeling utter despair to reach out for help, then it will be 価値（がある） it.
There was no hint of the unhappiness to come when I was a lad, growing up in a little terraced house on the 郊外s of Bolton.
I was born during the heatwave of 1976, the eldest of three boys. Dad was a policeman and Mum juggled motherhood with 十分な-time work in a 化学者／薬剤師 shop, and while they 汚職，収賄d all hours to make ends 会合，会う we were often left to our own 装置s.
My childhood was a whirlwind of hot summers, freedom and belly laughs, with a few 捨てるs thrown in. I’d make jam butties, pop them in a rucksack with crisps and a 瓶／封じ込める of Panda Pops then cycle off in search of friends, treasure and adventure.
It didn’t take much. Finding an old tyre hanging from a tree or a rickety old 橋（渡しをする） over a stream meant hours of play. The only 支配する was to be 支援する for tea.
Although I lived and breathed Marvel characters such as Hulk, Spider-Man and Superman, my real hero was my mother’s father, my Grandad （頭が）ひょいと動く. My beliefs, my 原則s, how I 扱う／治療する people and want to be 扱う／治療するd in return, are all 負かす／撃墜する to him.
‘There will always be bumps in the road, ツバメ,’ Grandad would say. ‘You can sit and mope or you can do something about it.’
Those words spurred me on when it （機の）カム to 回復するing after the 爆弾 and mastering basic 技術s like sitting up without vomiting after weeks of lying flat on my 支援する. Without his 遺産／遺物, I wouldn’t be anywhere 近づく the person I am today.
After doing 井戸／弁護士席 in my GCSEs I moved to 船体 University to do 商売／仕事 熟考する／考慮するs but, just before the end of the first year, Mum and Dad separated.
With the boys still at school and 法案s piling up, it was （疑いを）晴らす Mum was struggling and I felt I was needed at home so I dropped out and got a 職業 as a bank teller with Barclays in Manchester.
There I started going out with Sarah, a fellow cashier. We 示すd the millennium by buying our first house. The に引き続いて year we discovered we were going to be parents. I was only 25 and it was sooner than we’d planned but I will never forget that feeling in the 配達／演説／出産 room when Eve, this wriggling, furious, bundle of life was placed 直接／まっすぐに into my 武器.
When my baby girl stopped crying and gazed up at me with these solemn, dark, unblinking 注目する，もくろむs, her tiny fingers 倍のing over my 索引 finger, I felt a stirring within me like nothing I’d ever felt before. It was love. Pure, undiluted love. My girl. My beautiful girl.
I knew I would do anything... anything, to look after her, 保護する her and keep her 安全な.
Over the coming years, Sarah and I drifted apart until, heartbroken, we agreed to call it a day in July 2009, の直前に Eve’s seventh birthday. Not having Eve in my life every day broke me. It was like a bereavement.
I lived for Fridays, for the moment I hovered, excitedly, at the school gate so I could scoop her up in my 武器. 運動ing her 支援する on Sunday afternoon, kissing her goodbye for another five days, was soul-destroying.
I had no 利益／興味 in finding another partner but then I fell in love with Gabby, a 同僚 at a new 職業 I 設立する with RBS. At 復活祭 2012 this incredible woman 受託するd my marriage 提案.
Life was good. I had a daughter I adored. A fiancee I loved. A wedding on the horizon. A 職業 I’d hankered after. But, on the 孤独な Sunday evening 運動s 支援する to Bolton after dropping off Eve, dark thoughts would descend.
You’re a rubbish dad. A terrible fiance. You’re bad at your 職業. No one likes you. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I’d wake 早期に, panicking over what new 大災害s the day would bring.
徐々に, with the help of ‘happy pills’, the despair 軟化するd but after our wedding in August 2014 it （機の）カム 支援する.
And it was stronger this time. I felt like I was taken over by Bad/Sad ツバメ ― a 消極的な, hateful 見解／翻訳／版 of myself ― and those feelings reached a ?盛り上がり on those たびたび（訪れる） motorway 運動s to see Eve.
One particular 橋（渡しをする） on the M62 became like a サイレン／魅惑的な, 誘惑するing me に向かって it.
As I approached, an 勧める to plough straight into it rose up within me. At times, I’d put my hazard lights on and ― shaking, sweating, ?crying ― pull over の上に the hard shoulder until the moment passed. I was furiously fighting the baddie inside me.
I broke 負かす／撃墜する in 前線 of both Mum and Gabby, 自白するing how bad things were. But I 保証するd them I’d be 承認する. The tablets would kick in again. It would pass.
But I hadn’t counted on Bad/Sad ツバメ becoming so powerful. Not thinking about the 衝撃 taking my own life would have on my loved ones, I chose the time and place. A ?Friday afternoon in 早期に February.
On the Wednesday I dug out a favourite photo. It was me on my stag night, just three years earlier, surrounded by my friends.
I envied the happy-go-lucky ツバメ smiling for the camera. It was like looking at a ?different person.
I clicked on ‘今後’ then typed ‘I love you’ and sent it to Mum and my younger brothers Danny and Andy.
The next morning, on what I’d planned to be my penultimate day on this earth, my phone beeped. It was a message from Danny.
‘Mum, do you think ツバメ’s going to ?commit 自殺?’
As the words 登録（する）d, my stomach lurched and a wave of nausea washed over me. The message was 明確に ーするつもりであるd for Mum. But, by mistake, Danny had sent it to me.
I felt like a sleepwalker waking to find they were on a cliff 辛勝する／優位. So の近くに. So 血まみれの の近くに. My chest heaved. I gasped for breath.
With trembling 手渡すs, I managed to type a 返答. ‘Don’t be stupid, Danny.’ Shakily, I exhaled. Tried to 静める my breathing. I was sure of one thing. I needed help.
Googling 治療s for 不景気, I （機の）カム across 注目する，もくろむ Movement Desensitisation And 再生するing’ (EMDR), used to 扱う／治療する 軍隊／機動隊s 苦しむing from PTSD (地位，任命する-traumatic 強調する／ストレス disorder). It also had 広大な／多数の／重要な results for 扱う／治療するing 不景気 and 苦悩.
EMDR therapists use different methods to 刺激する the brain and open up the memory box 含む／封じ込めるing the things that upset you so you can 過程 your way through them.
EMDR helped me manage my feelings. Bad/Sad/Sick ツバメ would always be there.
But I could talk to him, 推論する／理由 with him, distract him, 静める him.
More than anythin g, I realised I was blessed. I had a beautiful daughter, a wife, family and friends who did love me.
I decided not to return to banking and, 存在 a football fanatic, 始める，決める up my own sports ?管理／経営 機関.
In short, I ーするつもりであるd to live life to the 十分な ?に引き続いて my final EMDR 開会／開廷／会期.
正確に／まさに four weeks later, I was blown up by a 自殺 爆撃機.
Adapted from 最高の，を越す Of The World by ?ツバメ Hibbert & Fiona Duffy to be ?published by 広告 Lib on April 25, at £9.99. ? ツバメ Hibbert and Fiona Duffy 2024. To order a copy for £8.99 (申し込む／申し出 valid until 06/05/24; UK P&P 解放する／自由な on orders over £25) go to mailshop.co.uk/調書をとる／予約するs or call 020 3176 2937.