How you can give generously to your family and friends without 存在 a '支配（する）／統制する freak'

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Giving money is supposed to leave us feeling good ? yet that's not always the 結果 of 存在 generous: it can start arguments, be misinterpreted and 結局最後にはーなる leaving us wishing we'd never done it in the first place.?

As a money psychotherapist, I have listened to plenty of （弁護士の）依頼人s who felt regretful, if not resentful, having given generously ― and with the best of 意向s ― only to be met with 無関心／冷淡, ingratitude or even 怒り／怒る.

One father who 申し込む／申し出d a deposit for his eldest daughter to buy her first flat, only to be 直面するd with 激怒（する） from his son for how 不公平な this was because he hadn't been helped with buying his first car.?

A woman who 表明するd 怒り／怒る and 疑惑 when her boyfriend returned from a lad's 週末 in Ibiza with an 異常に expensive gift.?

And a fianc?e who knew that going on Caribbean holidays paid for by the 未来 in-法律s （機の）カム with the 期待 that she and her husband would show their 感謝 by spending Christmas with them, too.?

So how can we generously gift our money in a way that minimises the 危険 that it will be taken the wrong way? And how can we 避ける family or 関係 不和s??

Feel good factor: How can we generously gift our money in a way that minimises the 危険 that it will be taken the wrong way?

BE AWARE OF YOUR MOTIVES?

A 願望（する） to give can be driven by a variety of 動機s, so it's important first to check that you are 現実に 存在 generous because you want to be helpful and altruistic and not because you are trying to 演説（する）／住所 an emotional need within you.?

いつかs we are generous because we are trying to 補償する for something: maybe we hope people will like us or love us more if we are generous because at some 深い level we don't feel 'good enough'.??

Other times we are generous because it's our way of keeping people の近くに. Parents, for example, might keep supporting their children financially out of a 願望（する） to keep them 扶養家族 because they are afraid of letting them go.?

Or maybe we hope that giving will give us 許可 to 発揮する 力／強力にする or 支配（する）／統制する over the other, like parents who 申し込む／申し出 to 支払う／賃金 for their child's wedding but then 推定する／予想する to have final say on all the 決定／判定勝ち（する）s; or someone who gives a gift to a 同僚 推定する／予想するing them to put in a good word for their 昇進／宣伝.?

In these 事例／患者s, our 動機 is not to 高める the wellbeing of another but to 得る something we want.?

Good advice:?Vicky Reynal

In my experience, people can be controlling in their generosity ― without 存在 fully aware of it.?

We might struggle to recognise that when we paid for our adult-kids' holidays we 推定する／予想するd to have all our meals together, and find ourselves blurting out 'But I'm 支払う／賃金ing for this holiday!' when they make other 計画（する）s.?

In a 事例／患者 like this, our giving （機の）カム with 期待s that we were かもしれない not fully aware of, maybe ashamed to recognise, and didn't communicate, but which became evident when they were not met.?

But let's say that we see a friend in need, and we give money to them because, at some level, we hope that someone would do the same for us one day.?

That's different from 推定する／予想するing them to return the favour: it's a general hope for 相互主義, rather than a 需要・要求する for it.?

Most giving comes from a good place:?from a 願望（する） to be helpful, to support someone, whether it's a friend or a family member, or 簡単に because we feel happy doing good (and there is 研究 to show that this is a human 現象).?

So it's important to 設立する what we want to 達成する with our generosity. This will help us with making the message （疑いを）晴らす and 避けるing not just 不和s, but also our own 失望 if we don't get what we were hoping for.?

Yet even when our generosity comes from wanting to 高める the wellbeing of another, things can go wrong, and that may be because something was not c ommunicated 効果的に.?

SPEAK UP AND ALWAYS EXPLAIN YOUR REASONS?

It is a good idea to say 正確に／まさに what your 意向s are when you?give someone a 確かな sum of money. Explain your 推論する／理由s to them and you will 避ける any 誤解s.?

'I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to help you out by giving you £x for your 事業／計画（する） because I have been there too and wish someone had done the same for me.'?

'Your mother and I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to gift you a deposit for the flat because we are proud of how hard you have saved as a student.'?

'I want to 支払う／賃金 for your pottery classes because I love you and I know it's something that makes you happy.'?

Always be （疑いを）晴らす that it is a gift and not a 貸付金. Be （疑いを）晴らす about what 誘発するd you to take this 決定／判定勝ち（する） and what you are trying to 表明する by giving them money.?

If, say, you want to support your friend's マラソン charity fundraising not just because it's a good thing to do, but also because you?want to say you are sorry for having been a somewhat absent friend lately, then just say so!?

いつかs not 説 so 原因（となる）s the opposite 影響, 'Does she think she can 直す／買収する，八百長をする our friendship by giving me a 抱擁する sum of money to sponsor my charity run?'?

説 sorry and 支援 it up with an 活動／戦闘 is very different from letting money do the talking ― which can be misinterpreted.

STRINGS ATTACHED IS NOT ALWAYS BAD?

Is it controlling to 明言する／公表する what the money is for? In other words, are 'strings 大（公）使館員d' bad? It depends. いつかs setting 条件 is helpful: they 設立する a 境界 that 保護するs the 関係, making 期待s （疑いを）晴らす.?

If you are communicating to your adult child that you are happy to 与える／捧げる に向かって their flat 購入（する）, their children's education, or their new 商売／仕事 投機・賭ける, this 暗示するs that if they took the money and, instead, went on an expensive holiday with it, you'd feel rightfully betrayed.?

存在 （疑いを）晴らす upfront can stop 衝突 負かす／撃墜する the line. So it's 罰金 to have some 条件 大（公）使館員d to the giving, but often it's about 存在 reasonable, transparent and leaving the other person the freedom to take or leave your 申し込む／申し出.

Crucially, when you 始める，決める 条件 around giving, it should still be in the spirit of 申し込む／申し出ing to 与える／捧げる to something that you think they might want (grandchild's education, the new flat), not getting them to do something they wouldn't want such as train to be a vet just because money is on the （米）棚上げする／（英）提議する.?

If your best friend has told you they are 圧倒するd with work and can't help you move house this 週末, 申し込む／申し出ing money afterwards to 説得する them wouldn't be generous, but manipulative.?

BE AWARE OF 世界保健機構 WILL BE AFFECTED?

Generosity may be a two-person dynamic, but often more people are 影響する／感情d by it ― and that's?where 衝突 often 爆発するs.?

They happen, for example, because the money 申し込む／申し出d was not fully yours to 申し込む／申し出: think of a husband and a wife who 同意しない, for example, on whether to give £5,000 to 救助（する） their 22-year-old for a third time from a 財政上の mess.?

If one went ahead にもかかわらず the partner's 不賛成 this would 原因（となる） 衝突. But what if they are in 協定 and it's the 24-year-old 年上の daughter who takes an 問題／発行する with this: why was she 否定するd 財政上の 援助 to 購入（する） a car last year??

I see it time and time again for siblings ― even as adults ― to have their antennas 警報 to any 調印するs of 'unfairness' or 不均衡 when it comes to parenting.?

It is hard to shake the emotional imprint of 競争 for our parent's attention, 承認 and love. Indeed, these longings?can 運動 our reactions to 状況／情勢s even when we are 20, 30, 40 years older.?

I have spoken to a sibling の近くに to 退職 who still vies with his brothers for his mother's attention and compares what she gives each of them for their birthdays.?

Even in the absence of 財政上の need, there might still be a residual need for fairness.?

Once you 認める who else could be 衝撃d by the 決定／判定勝ち（する）, you can communicate your 動機 and your 意向s in a thoughtful way. You wouldn't want them to find out from others and make their own 仮定／引き受けることs.

YOUR DIFFERENT VIEWS MAY CAUSE ROWS?

Part of making a choice about giving money away is taking?責任／義務 for its 反対／詐欺s equences.?

If you choose to give generously to your church, for example, some people in your family could feel angry.?

Perhaps they feel your money was best used to help the family, or 簡単に because they are not 宗教的な. However, as you have the freedom to make your own choices with your money, they have the freedom to dislike them!?

不一致s are いつかs 避けられない because we are different, but 尊敬（する）・点ing each other's 見解（をとる）s is the 重要な to not 許すing a 不一致 to start a 衝突.

...OR IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT THE MONEY AT ALL?

You will choose your 活動／戦闘s, your narrative and your トン when you come to give money, but how it's perceived and 反応するd to will?remain out of your 支配（する）／統制する. いつかs people won't like our 活動／戦闘s no 事柄 how we explain them.?

In fact, they might not even want to listen to our 合理的な／理性的な, because this isn't about the £500, £5,000 or £50,000 but about all the other times we feel our parents have not been there for us, or all the other times that our partner ignored our wishes and went ahead with their own 計画（する）s.?

So often I see that arguments are not about money at all, they are just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's 支援する or one more example of an 協定 that has been bothering us or, most likely, 傷つけるing us for a long time.?

In those 事例／患者s, instead of becoming 防御の, I would encourage you to listen carefully to what is 存在 said: what are they really angry about?

HOW TO MANAGE ANY INGRATITUDE?

What if the person who is 原因（となる）ing upset after your generous 行為／法令／行動する is 現実に the 受取人? Such as the grandparent who sends money to the grandkids who never even say thank you for it.?

Or the 親族 who takes your 申し込む／申し出 for 財政上の help but with a somewhat begrudging 'too little too late' 態度. I see these 状況／情勢s often and they are understandably upsetting.?

I would 招待する you to both have a conversation to 表明する the 怒り／怒る/sadness/失望 that the 欠如（する） of 感謝 has 原因（となる）d you.?

But I must 強調する／ストレス that it is also important that you ― in your mind and in the conversation ― go 支援する to your 動機s, your 推論する／理由s for giving in the first place.?

If they are the 権利 ones and you are doing it out of a 本物の 願望（する） to help, or to 表明する love, then you have been true to your 推論する／理由s. 井戸／弁護士席 done.?

Unfortunately, you can't 支配（する）／統制する anyone else's reaction but you have done what you felt was best, and you can 持つ／拘留する on to that.?

When it comes to giving money, the medium isn't the message. You still need words to manage how it will be received.?

• Money On Your Mind by Vicky Reynal will be published on May 9 by Bonnier 調書をとる／予約するs UK.?