step down

Cixous says
climb the
ladder down
step down
into writing
where pain
and grief
bring strange
joy -- relief
if not because,
then because not.

I step down
into pain
again
that doesn't
go away
eases up
for a year
two, five,
minutes
another
step down
now into it
and how do I know
when I'm at the
bottom
my foot
reaches ahead
of me
my toes
feel only air

I am afraid
to know
I'm not there
yet.