I moved here

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Posted by: gabe.

mir lookin so cool

I think I might be done here, you can e-mail me, I'd like that.

I might be a cracker but I still asked jen what’d you mean "we" white girl, silence, but now I'm comfortable sliding. For the first time this week I am sleeping in my own bed. I got my hair cut and maybe that's why I feel better. Some retard (literally, he is retarded) jumped into the cab at the outpatient crazy house. Misidentified himself as whomever I was supposed to get. I got a few blocks before I realized that he was just saysing yes to everything I asked. It’s so busy I am putting away lots. Got opiates and mary juana to aid me in, something or another. Smoking less, worrying less, I like that. Stayin busy is good for me. The weekend was greeeerate. Sat with steve and everyone showed up until they were on the floor and counter. It felt like the family I never had, ever since shelly brought me in I feel like I belong there. Tammie on Sun in such good mood. With a borrowed PS2 and everyone was just so happy to see me and usually I don't let myself see that/ So when it feels like family and they are all so glad to see me and it's home that's all I need, I'm content. I know that if I just take care of myself I feel good and it shows and I can get the girl I want. Trying to have faith alittle, not in the religous sense you know just trust that things are good. I have a day off tomorrow. Thinking bathrobe, television and no shaving, no coke idiot. You know you can't be trusted with it, so you slipped but that's no reason to make it worse by doing more. Jen(ifer) didn't know there was a dump in town, sp I knew a white trash thing she didn't. I'm off white trash. That got a little laugh out of her. If I don't nail her soon she going to loose interest and and I think I am afraid it will go wrong and I will have to work with her still. It makes sense but I'm good at reasons i shouldn't let anyone get close to me. Let her in but don't sleep with her.

Great day at work. Made lots of sweet moola, apparently some of the small companies were shut down because they could not get the proper insurance. We now have more business then we can handle and I had one of the best days to date. Monday is already the same. I got a real great guy down from 102nd; he is some upper up in the cannabis club and says he can get me a medical marijuana card. (smoke ring).
Bad deed for the day. Some drunk today tells me he is a millionaire. Wanted me to come drink with him, when I say no, he says "I could buy and sell you". He tipped a buck.
There is this girl I've seen twice now out on lake, I really think she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She took a good long look at me and all I could do was look away and get all embarrassed. Grey sweat shirt. Second time I have seen her there. Dark hair and eyes, vaguely oriental or polynesian, no makeup. Her hair in a blue bandana.

Jennifer says, nothing you idiot. OK she says a lot, but I’m not up for repeating it all and usually I just say exactly the wrong thing with her. And yet it works, I want to tell her but? She asked me why I went to school and I said so I could be a college drop out. It is a bit more then that but she is just being nice and I am? A little lost with her. Sh eis just so wild. Like really up for anything and I am afraid of that a little because that means there are two of us that might do something brilliant or incredible dumb. Really I just want to fuck her and run, no I don’t OK, maybe a little but I also want to listen and get to know her daughter. Understand why she cried when she got frightened the other day.

holly shit look what i can do

holly shit look what i can do
Posted by: gabe.

I looked kinda like this in 1984 or so

Hello blog, I took enough xanex so that when it kicks in like half an hour I will not be able to fight it There is this surreal edge to everything when I deprive myself of sleep. I just pulled a true 15 hour shift, which is mildly insane given that I took away somewhere around 100 bucks for it. I slept in the cab a little but it really does not count, I can never get comfortable or really get all the way asleep in public like that. Um, nothing earth shattering but I didn’t go out tonight despite several invites to blow my money at a bar/club or on, well you know, stuff and things I shouldn’t. I am going to tuck in under my mattress. That reminds me I think I got a double bed which will be nice because I have been sleeping on this crappy single thing that is up against the wall because I always think I am going to roll out. Jeez I don’t feel anything yet…my phone just rang again and I just let it. OK I can feel the beginning, so here I go, I’ll now get about 15 minutes of bliss and total relaxation followed by as much sleep as I want. I am going to post this and just lay here and enjoy it. Almost forgot, good deed for the day. Sacrificed a really good fare. Some guy from austin. Told him the light rail train would take him there just as fast for much less money. Honesty feels kind of good on me.

Feeling decidedly better. Made a few dollars fixing computers for people who don’t know how to use them. Cruised around all over the place and took things as they came to me. I works better like that. Things get to be interesting like that, when I just breath for the sake of doing it. Don’t try to get a reason for everthign. Talked to another company about going and working for them. Driving, pretty much the same thing but for a nicer person. I am not sure how much more of my boss I can take before I take a bat to him. He is just such an ass. I need to just relax about that and tolerate him. He has to be around himself all the time and I only have to see him for a little bit every day. So really now, there is nothing I have to do, he is not my concern. Nothing to alter my state for a while now. I have them but I don’t need them.

Better but not well. My own worst enemy. Xanex understands me or maybe I understand it? Tomorrow tomorrow, flap flap that is the sound his big mouth makes all the fucking time. One of these days I am going to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with that idiot. I made like next to no money today so I cashed my refund check and that is going to pay insurance 10mg but not my student loan. I have a few more weeks on that. Um, I worked fairly steady but it was just shit, that’s it and so I still walked away with $35 for 11 hours. This morning I am sick and I say my guts hurt and he says what about your face, it’s killing me. That’s a good one. Do you really want to talk trash with me you old dumb fat slob. I’ll tell your wife, uhhh (make noise that implies an intimate relationship). Na, but I have I'm starting a list for when I quit.

Now I remember why I don’t do that stuff anymore. It’s because I feel suicidal the next day. Today just sucked, no other way to put it. Back to mary jane, she makes me feel numb, but occasionally I can feel it all.

1000 miles from where it began, I am at a total loss for words to describe that the fuck is wrong with me, floundering. I am in a cage with 14 dollars and 3 cigarettes. I have no choice but to go to work tomorrow. I will not be able to pay my bills this month and there is no one to blame but myself.
Reasons I need a woman in my life:
1 she would prevent me from blowing all my money on crack (which I claimed to have stopped doing) and had for better then a year now. What the hell happened to me last week? I remember receiving a fairly sizable amount of money and then? There are pictures of me blowing billows of smoke out of a crack pipe at the camera and another with me all fucked up with my car in someone yard and another of me kissing some woman who’s name I can’t remember and a week and all my money disappeared. Sick, well that’s what I told work and I think I am..I need…something desperately
2 she would reassure me that I am not…fill in the blank here, unattractive, unlovable, a failure, loser, whatever the fuck it is I tell myslef as I am cruising the hood drunk at 2 am looking for something to make me feel like there is not this sucking whole in me.
3 she could save me? Is that what I am saying that I need or want to be saved. From myslef I guess. Fuck

There, I said it and I just don’t care anymore really what anyone think. It helps me to get the truth out there. It’s all the truth really. The good me, the well dressed and mannered person and the desperate depressed drug addict.

How’s it going? How are you? Why do they always give you a cup of ice? Are you going to die soon? All good conversation starters. OK, maybe not the thing about dying. I am not allowed to ask that, but I want to. I want to ask what they would do different. What is important to them now that they know there life is nearly over. I want to force them to have something interesting to say. I want to get the car into a skid or do donuts in a parking lot with a couple of the corpses in the back. I bet that would get them talking.

I see that same crazy lady almost everyday. She is always out and about talking to herself and frightening people. I am going to ask her for a picture next time. Maybe.
I like that day. I am going to try to have that day again.
I cleaned it up a little to meet my more better standards as they stand today.

It is getting easier to just let it go. I am the person I know I can be tonight. Not only not afraid, but the world is different. It is clean and beautiful. I with I had someone to share it with. All the rain. Rainbows in the spray from the cars. This is how it should be all the time and I want to hang onto this, not forget where I am and carry it into the future with me. Let tomorrow please be like today. That is my prayer tonight. The usual worries are there, but they are less important as I can absorb the here and now. It is beautiful and smooth. That is the only way I can describe it. The tension is not in your mind it is the body. When the body is set free the mind follows...you are not alone.