THIS IS NO WAY TO RUN A RAILWAY
Quentin Letts
Last updated at 00:00 20 January 2004
GREAT! There you are, at some rain-swept 鉄道 壇・綱領・公約 in 地方の Britain, を待つing a ' service' already an hour late.
After New Year price rises you have paid 10 per cent more for your 'saver' ticket, 押すd at you under a grimy glass partition by some dour '顧客 services assistant'.
You have already 行方不明になるd your first 会合 of the day, your shoes are soaked after a visit to the 駅／配置する khazi, the （警察などへの）密告，告訴（状） 審査するs are on the blink.
非，不，無 of the walkie-talkie-brandishing staff has a 手がかり（を与える） what is going on.
Worry not! The 輸送（する） 長官, Alistair Darling, made a 声明 to the ありふれたs yesterday. This followed several days' 価値（がある） of excitement in the プロの／賛成の-Blair 圧力（をかける）. On the 微風 was the whiff of cordite decisiveness.
Something big was going to put everything 権利.
A ありふれたs 声明, after all, 普通は signals some important change in 政府 政策. Doesn't it?
持つ／拘留する on to your 緊急 扱うs.
So the result of Mr Darling's big 告示? A review.
They're going to have another ruddy review. And then, maybe, but not やむを得ず, they will think about doing something.
Until then, carry on Sergeant. As you were.
Mr Darling is a low-ワット bulb.
To call him dull is to understate the comprehensively matt nature of his public 配達／演説／出産. If this bloke were a 消防士, honey would trickle out of his 靴下／だます.
If Mr Darling was a horse whisperer he would not just tame a snorting mustang. Within minutes he'd have the beast flat on its 支援する, four 脚s pointing up at the sky, 強化するd by 退屈.
His 声明, 57 paragraphs of burble, made no more sense than the 普通の／平均（する） の間の-City carriage 告示 by the buffet car's 長，指導者 steward. You know the sort: one of those maddening soliloquies interrupted by crackle and cliche.
Mr Darling spoke of '大勝する 開発' ( new lines?), '増加するd 投資' (more 税金 handouts) and 'driv ing up 業績／成果'. I think that last one probably means '運動ing u p motorways'. Under the Tories, he said, the 鉄道s were blighted by ' fragmentation, 過度の 複雑化 and dysfunctionality'.
It was at this moment that one was 掴むd by the devilish 願望（する） to jump to attention in the 圧力（をかける） gallery, hurl notebook into the 炭坑，オーケストラ席 of the ありふれたs and ask at 最高の，を越す 容積／容量 if Mr Darling had 現実に tried travelling on a second-class train in the last six and a half years since 労働 took office.
Theresa May, for the Tories, flapped her 異常に long wrists and warbled 批評s in that worrying vibrato she has. There is something of the Jimmy Savile gurgle to her 発言する／表明する いつかs.
As she 詳細（に述べる）d the さまざまな 災害s that have befallen train 乗客s in 最近の years, Tory MPs tried not to look too delighted. They must 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う that every time the 8.15 from Orpington gets wheelspin on wet leaves the anti- 労働 投票（する） becomes stronger.
From the 対立 （法廷の）裁判s yesterday （機の）カム an awful lot of arm- crossing, chin-nodding and turkeyneck squawks of 'yep that's 権利 disgraceful!'
The トン was borrowed straight from Terry Jones playing Brian's mother in The Life of Brian. All they needed was some shawls to 包む 一連の会議、交渉／完成する their 直面するs and some 井戸／弁護士席-ballasted handbags.
May made some personal attacks on Mr Darling. No one enjoyed these more than Peter Hain, Leader of the House, who was sitting 権利 next to Mr Darling.
Not a man to …を伴って into the ジャングル, Hain.
Only on Sunday he stitched up his 閣僚 同僚, Geoff Hoon.
Viscount Thurso, a LibDem MP, was so grand that he pronounced it 'rearways' rather than 鉄道s.
Not a bad joke, really.
John Austin (Lab, Erith) used the C-word ('Connex' it drew gasps). And 労働's Lawrie Quinn, a former rail 労働者, 勧めるd the 大臣 to 回復する 力／強力にする 'to 地元の communities'.
That, if I 解任する, was the 陰謀（を企てる） of the Titfield Thunderbolt, a 広大な／多数の／重要な 1953 film and かもしれない a 広大な／多数の／重要な 未来 t ransport 政策 for this country.
