Mandelson to run the Jubilee? God save the Queen!

By Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail
Updated: 01:59 BST, 9 January 2010

Some years ago I wrote that while Peter Mandelson might fancy himself as a modern-day Machiavelli, he's always stru ck me as Iago played by Kenneth Williams.

Mandy is the ultimate courtier, a sort of political Paul Burrell. He would have made someone a lovely butler.

So it is perhaps fitting that he has finally been given a 職業 in keeping with his talents - organising the Queen's 60th Jubilee 祝賀s.?

After all, who can forget the marvellous success he made of the Millennium ドーム, with its futuristic New 労働 見通し of a multicultural, multi-約束 Britain.

Happy 60th The Queen is setting off on a cycling 小旅行する of Britain

Mandelson is already hard at work on his 計画（する）s. It is designed to be 奮起させるing, inclusive and 炭素-中立の.

In the weeks before the 周年記念日 of her 載冠（式）／即位（式）, Her Maj will 乗る，着手する on a 全国的な cycling 小旅行する to 会合，会う her loyal 支配するs.

First stop will be Luton, where she will …に出席する a ritual beheading carried out by the 地元の 一時期／支部 of Islam4UK, a tradition which dates 支援する to Henry VIII.

Moving on to Northampton, she will visit one of Britain's last remaining shoe-爆破 factories, which will be 現在のd with a Queen's Award for 輸出（する）.

Later that day, in Birmingham, she will 検査／視察する a 儀式の march-past by the 3rd West Midlands 連隊 of Islamic Jihad, who ha ve just returned from a 小旅行する of 義務 in Yemen.

In the 頂点（に達する） 地区, Her Maj will 削減（する） the 略章 at a special 儀式 to 明かす Britain's one-millionth 勝利，勝つd turbine before pedalling to Manchester, where she will be 扱う／治療するd to an enthralling demonstration of 運動-by 狙撃, 成し遂げるd by the Moss 味方する 大規模な.

The 王室の 側近 will proceed to Morecambe, so Prince Philip can 侮辱 some Chinese cockle pickers.

In nearby Blackpool, she will switch off the 照明s to 論証する Britain's かかわり合い to 取り組むing 全世界の warming and open a polar 耐える 聖域.

After that, it's on to Edinburgh, where the Queen will 正式に 調印する the 宣言 of Scottish independence. She will join 大統領 Alex Salmond and Sir Sean Connery for the 儀式の 燃やすing of the Union 旗 on 城 Hill and the unscrewing of road 調印するs along the 王室の Mile, which is 存在 改名するd 'Braveheart Boulevard'. Only the 脱退／分離 州 of Ibrox will remain part of the 部隊d Kingdom.

In Newcastle, she will be taken on a 行為／行うd 小旅行する of the lively Bigg Market, where she will be 迎える／歓迎するd by 地元のs wearing their 伝統的な 黒人／ボイコット-and-white replica football shirts and can experience first-手渡す some of the North-East's quaint folk customs, 含むing binge-drinking and 発射物 vomiting.

Over in Bradford, she will lay the 創立／基礎 石／投石する for the new Sharia 法廷，裁判所 and be guest-of-honour at a 軍隊d marriage.

As the big day approaches, the Queen will …を伴って the Prince of むちの跡s to Cardiff, where she will be 扱う／治療するd to a 業績／成果 of the 古代の Welsh 'knickers-一連の会議、交渉／完成する-the-ankles' dance at chucking-out time in the city centre.

On her way 支援する to Windsor, she will open the new Heathrow 終点 Six and 検査／視察する the airport's 最新の 明言する／公表する-of-the-art 安全 器具／備品, which will 伴う／関わる her stripping naked and submitting to a 十分な CAT ざっと目を通す.

At Portsmouth, she will review the (n)艦隊／(a)素早い, which by 2012 will consist of a rusty World War II フリゲート艦, the Mary Rose and a couple of pe daloes. There will also be a 飛行機で行く-past by the Red Arrow.

In South London, she will open another showpiece 支店 of IKEA, which will be 示すd by a 陳列する，発揮する of synchronised stabbing, arising from a 論争 over a 削減（する）-price sofa.

On the 周年記念日 itself, the Queen's day will begin with a visit to the new Museum of Quantitative 緩和 at the Bank of England, where the last coins featuring her 長，率いる are 存在 smelted 負かす／撃墜する for 捨てる in a desperate 試みる／企てる to 支払う／賃金 off some of Britain's 開始するing £3trillion 負債.

At Her Majesty's service: Peter Mandelson will become the ultimate courtier by organising the Queen's 60th Jubilee

After a modest vegetarian 祝宴 at the Oxford Street Spud'U'Like, Her Maj will 明かす a 特に （売買）手数料，委託（する）／委員会／権限d statue of The Unknown 亡命-探検者 outside the Binyam Mohammed Central イスラム教寺院 ( 以前は Westminster Abbey) to 示す Britain's 全住民 公式に passing 75 million.

That evening, the Queen will …に出席する her final 王室の 命令（する） 業績／成果 from the Stephen Gately Theatre, introduced by Stephen Fry and featuring a diverse 範囲 of performers, 含むing Graham Norton, Alan Carr and Julian Clary. Broadcast 排他的に on Twitter, the 最高の，を越す-of-the-法案 attraction will be Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand telling the Duke of Edinburgh that they'v e had sex with his granddaughters.

The に引き続いて day, the Queen will 統括する over the 明言する／公表する の近くにing of 議会, after all remaining 力／強力にするs are transferred to Brussels.

She will then abdicate and を引き渡す the 重要なs to Buckingham Palace to Peter Mandelson, who is 任命するd the EU's first Lord High 知事-General of the European 行政の Area (Western 地区 and Islands).

Her Maj will be given a 21-handgun salute by the Brixton Krayzee 注目する，もくろむs Killas Possee and 麻薬を吸うd out on kazoo by the one-man 禁止（する）d of the Coldstream Guards, playing his 見解／翻訳／版 of the Sex ピストルs' God Save The Queen.

Paedophiles will slip through regardless

The bureaucrat in 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金 of vetting millions of adults who 'work' with children - even if that only 伴う／関わるs car 株ing on the school run - has 認める the system isn't 'foolproof'.

Paedophiles may still slip through the 逮捕する. Of course they will, just as テロリストs with 爆発性のs in their underpants manage to get through airport 安全. But that won't stop them vetting millions of innocent parents or （土地などの）細長い一片-searching everyone at Heathrow.

Instead of doing their 職業s, those 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金d with keeping us 安全な go out of their way to 脅迫してさせる and 悩ます the 法律-がまんするing 大多数.

It's 厚かましさ／高級将校連 monkeys time as hell 凍結するs over

Whatever they agreed at Copenhagen to 取り組む '全世界の warming' has 明白に worked. It hasn't stopped snowing since.

Britain is experiencing its harshest winter in １０年間s. Across the world, from the Far East to the U.S., it's the same story.

In America's 深い South, the Mississippi River is frozen solid and Florida has experienced 記録，記録的な／記録する 最低気温s. Yet the '気候 change' fanatics still 主張する that, にもかかわらず all 証拠 to the contrary, the 惑星 is getting hotter.

Frozen over: Britain may be in the 支配するs of a 氷点の winter, but the song of the 気候 change 選挙運動者 has not fallen silent

The Met Office, which is little more than a 十分な-time 政府-基金d 全世界の warming 圧力団体, said this would be a 穏やかな winter - just as they 予報するd a 'barbecue summer' before much of Britain disappeared under flood water. They can't get the 天候 権利 from one day to the next.

But we are asked to believe their 予測（する） for the next 60 years is 100 per cent 正確な.

Ah, say the '専門家s', there's a difference between '天候' and '気候'. They are 軍隊d to 訴える手段／行楽地 to semantics to 支える their 主張 that the science is settled, even though they are all sitting there shivering like 厚かましさ／高級将校連 monkeys. They'd still 粘着する to their belief in man-made warming if Hell froze over.

Even the BBC 信用 is waking up to the idea there are two 味方するs to every story and has belatedly ordered an 調査 into whether or not the 会社／団体's '全世界の warming' ニュース報道 is biased.

Let me save them the time, trouble and expense: yes, it is.

Banned: skating on 厚い ice

Elf'n'safety has started the New Year as it ended the last. If it moves, 禁止（する） it.

On Wednesday, in Stranraer, 地元の 居住（者）s decided to take advantage of a frozen pond in Agnew Park. They 含むd f ormer Scottish Ladies Curling 支持する／優勝者s, past 大統領，／社長s of the 地元の ice rink and two serving police officers.

For some, it was their first experience of outdoor curling. Children from 地元の schools, の近くにd because of the 冷淡な 天候, were 事情に応じて変わる and skating away merrily under the 監督 of responsible adults.

Needless to say, when word reached the Town Hall, an 公式の／役人 was 派遣（する）d to tell them to stop すぐに.

She told the curlers that the 場所／位置 hadn't been '危険 査定する／（税金などを）課すd', and children could 落ちる through the ice and 溺死する.

When they pointed out that the ice was as 厚い as the North 政治家 and, anyway, the water was only a couple of feet 深い, she was unmoved.

Until the boxes were ticked and 警告 notices 築くd, skating and curling was banned.

Another innocent 楽しみ 破壊行為d in the 指名する of elf'n'safety. Makes you proud to be British.

BOGOF, Benn

The 政府 is planning to 軍隊 急速な／放蕩な-food restaurants to 含む health 警告s on their menus.

This is 推定では for the 利益 of the terminally stupid, who don't realise that 半導体素子s make you fat.

Veggie Benn is also 需要・要求するing that supermarkets 捨てる 'buy one, get one 解放する／自由な' 申し込む／申し出s to 取り組む obesity and 削減（する） 負かす／撃墜する on food waste.

This over-促進するd minor aristocrat 明確に doesn't realise that two-for-one 取引，協定s are a godsend for the poor and those on 直す／買収する，八百長をするd incomes.

He is also planning an exciting new 範囲 of 罰金s running into hundreds of 続けざまに猛撃するs for householders who fail to put potato peelings and other 捨てるs into a 政府-認可するd slop bucket to help save the 惑星.

I don't know about sav ing the 惑星. What 惑星 is he living on?