LIVE 雑談（する） with Julia Cole: read it in 十分な here

Mail online's sex and 関係s 専門家 Julia Cole was live online this week. Here's her answers to you sex and 関係s queries:

Moderator: Good evening, and welcome to our LIVE 雑談（する） with Julia Cole, Mail online's sex 専門家!

She'll be able to answer questions about 性の problems and 申し込む／申し出 advice on keeping your love life alive.

Julia Cole is one of Britain's best known sex therapists. She has been trained in counselling couples and has written 非常に／多数の 調書をとる／予約するs, 同様に as answering questions from femail readers in her 週刊誌 column on the 場所／位置.

This 匿名の／不明の question was emailed to us earlier: Can bereavement 影響する／感情 a person's sex 運動?

My husband lost his mother eight months ago and is 明白に grieving but our sex life has pretty much 消えるd since 同様に. I don't want to 押し進める him but I would like to find a way 支援する to how we were before.

Julia Cole: Yes it's very commonn for bereavement to 影響する／感情 a sex life.

You may find that he feels 極端に uncomfortable about making love because he feel it is wrong to enjoy life again after a loss like this.

He may also be 苦しむing from 穏やかな 不景気 which can lower libido. It's important now to talk to him about his feelings. Ask him how things are for him now that some time has passed since his mmum died. Be 極度の慎重さを要する and understanding or you may find he の近くにs 負かす／撃墜する.

Moderator: Here's a message we received earlier: Julia, I hope you can help. My partner 苦しむs from premature ejaculation and it's 廃虚ing our sex life.

He 辞退するs to talk about the problem and won't entertain the idea of 捜し出すing help. It only started happening 2 or 3 months ago. Why do you think he's suddenly having this problem and do you have any advice?

Julia Cole: Premature ejaculation can be 原因（となる）d by 苦悩 or 恐れる that he is not 成し遂げるing to a 基準 that you are happy with.

He may also feel that he has to reach an impossible 基準 of lovemaking, so perhaps something has made him feel いっそう少なく 確信して about sex.

Some men develop premature ejaculation because they feel angry with their partner about a problem in the 関係.

It's 価値（がある） checking this out. Try using a technique called the squeeze technique. When he is の近くに to 最高潮, squeeze the penis の近くに to the tip under the glans (いつかs called the helmet by men!).

This can slow him 負かす／撃墜する. But if the problem 固執するs, see a therapist. Caontact one 近づく you at www.basrt.org.uk.

Moderator: Here's a question from a member who would like to remain 匿名の／不明の.

I have extremly difficult problems with sex. I`m 23 and never expereinced an orgasm.i`ve tried a vibrator and i get very 負傷させる up and my heart （警官の）巡回区域，受持ち区域 races but then I get so 失望させるd with myself I have to stop.

Is there anything I can do to help myself relax with sex.

I was 乱用d as a child and I believe this may be the 原因（となる） of some of my problems.

Julia Cole: Many women who have orgasm problems 報告（する）／憶測 child 乱用 as an 問題／発行する, so your problems could 井戸／弁護士席 be 関係のある.

Orgasm is essentuaially about letting go, but for you letting go in sex means submitting to memories of 支配 and unhappiness.

Try thinking about why you find arousal and orgasm problematic. Is it linked to 苦悩 about what 存在 a 性の woman means?

For instance, if you become 性の you may 恐れる that you will have to 直面する the painful memories of the past, and so subconcsciously you are 持つ／拘留するing 支援する.

I would advise you to see a counsellor. Try Relate for an understanding person to talk to.

Moderator: Here's a question from a member who would like to remain 匿名の／不明の

I've just entered my 40th year and I've been married to a wonderful man for over 20 years but for a long time now I have not had the disire to have sex with him.

I love him very much but いつかs cringe at the thought of making love to him, いつかs I can,t 明らかにする for him to even touch me.

The week after my period I'm ok but thereafter it's downhill.

Julia Cole: Loss of 願望（する） can be 原因（となる）d by lots of different things.

It could be tiredness, illness or changes in family circumstances. I 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う that you have some problems with your hormones. Even though you are only in your 40s it could be that your hormones are changing in 準備 for the menopause. I 示唆する talking to your GP who should be able to advise you.

In the 合間, make love when you feel 利益／興味d and 上げる your affection に向かって your husband so that he doesn't feel abandoned or 傷つける.

It's also important to explain why you are いっそう少なく 利益／興味d in sex or he may wonder if you fancy him いっそう少なく.

Moderator: Julia - the に引き続いて was sent to me from a member who would like to remain 匿名の／不明の: if a man has unprotected sex how long before the symptoms of any std would manifest themselves?

Julia Cole: Some may show themselves in just a few days. Soreness of the penis, trouble urinating or any other unusual symptoms need 調査／捜査するing.

If you are too embarrassed to see your GP, call the 地元の GUM clinic (Yellow Pages will have the number).

Never ignore anything you are worried about as STDs can be life 脅すing in some circumstances.

Moderator: Our previous member who asked you a question would like to thank you 大いに for your advice.

Here's another question: My husband puts a lot of 成果／努力 into our home, our children and our life together but no 成果／努力 at all into our time in the bedroom.

He's 48 and I'm 46. He's happy in our family but how can I get him to show me more love between the sheets??

Julia Cole: 提案する a love 協定／条約. Agree that you will only make love. If you both have at least half an hour of touching and caressing before going on to intercourse.

You should also put a special time aside to make love ( an evening or 早期に morning, even a 週末 away).

Use all the old but still good tricks by lighting candles, using massage oil and playing romantic music. In fact, do anything to 始める，決める the scene and he may get the message. Encourage the good stuff he does and ask for more but 避ける moaning too much about things that aren't 広大な／多数の／重要な. 結局 things will 改善する.

Moderator: Lulu emailed us about her 窮地: My partner who I have known for 8 months now, was made redundant for 6 months of our 存在 together - he has now 再開するd work and is in a very successful position.

At the beginning, we were 井戸／弁護士席 matched in every area, our sex life was fantastic. We could not get enough of each other. When he lost his 職業, that all changed, 予定 to 強調する／ストレス which I can understand, sex barely happened!

But now, after working for a month or so, nothing has changed, I seem to be badgering him all the time about this problem, he shows no 利益／興味 in me, does not seem to want to 'touch' my 団体／死体.

Julia Cole: Redundancy and even 昇進／宣伝 can alter 性の habits. You may feel that he should be 支援する on line by now but he may still be reeling from 対処するing with a new 職業 and the loss of the previous one. He may also feel nervous of 存在 intimate in 事例／患者 he lets you 負かす／撃墜する in some way so not touching your 団体／死体 is a 調印する of 苦悩.

Ask him how he is feeling about sex at the moment. Stop badgering him or he will 簡単に 支援する off and 避ける taking the 率先 at all.

Try doing 非，不，無-性の things together to help him relax - days out and meals in favourite restaraunts.

A change of 発生地 could also help. Can you afford a short holiday? This could help him to feel much more confiident.

Moderator: Here's a question from a member who would like to remain 匿名の／不明の.

How will I know if i`m approaching 最高潮, are there any 調印するs I should be aware of or perhaps thinking too much about an orgasm could this le ssen my chances of a 最高潮?

Julia Cole: Thinking about reaching orgasm can 妨げる the 団体／死体 sensations from taking over and giving you the orgasm you want.

Try using fantasy. Imagine yourself on a warm beach or by a 解雇する／砲火／射撃 with a sexy bloke.

Imagine yourself making love or whatever turns you on. Use this fantasy as you approach orgasm.

Orgasm is 一般に preceeded by feelings of muscle 緊張 ( you may want to straighten your 脚s or thigh muscles) and you will feel your heart racing. Just concentrate on the waves of 楽しみ and the orgasm will come.

Read Nancy Fridays 'My secret garden' for 広大な／多数の／重要な fantasy ideas.

Moderator: Thanks again Julia. Here's another question from a member who would like to remain 匿名の／不明の: Why are women put off sex after giving birth ? And how long does it last ?

Julia Cole: Women often go off sex after chikdbirth because they are concentrating on mothering the baby.

They may feel as if the 団体／死体 they 以前 株d with a partner is now the baby's, but feel 混乱させるd about this feeling.

Breast feeding and the intimate 団体／死体 接触する will 追加する to this feeling. Also, any 涙／ほころびing of the vagina during birth can put a woman off sex (although this should be 選ぶd up at the six week check after tha baby is born).

As to how long it takes to get 支援する to sex, it can be months or longer. It really depends on the couple. It's important to 転換 thinking about sex as meaning intercourse to thinking about intimate touching, massaging and caressing.

If you can keep up the touching over this tricky time 徐々に sex will seem like more of an 選択 and you will 再開する sex 自然に.

Moderator: Here's a question from a member who would like to remain 匿名の／不明の. Hi Julia. Could you please tell me about the health 危険s of oral-anal sex.

Julia Cole: There are some health 危険s associated with oral sex, 特に if you do not know your par tner 井戸／弁護士席.

If the man or woman is 苦しむing from thrush (candida) it can be caught and transferred to the mouth, causuing very painful white 位置／汚点／見つけ出すs.

Of course, you can also catch HIV from oral sex with a 運送／保菌者, as the 団体／死体's fluids can be passed on through 削減（する）s or grazes in the mouth.

Anal sex also carries 重要な health 危険s.

The lining of the anus is very easily torn, so 感染 can pass into the 団体／死体 very easily.

It's 決定的な to use a condom to 避ける any 感染s and to only have oral sex with people you are 全く 確信して in doing it with.

Moderator: Here's a question from a member who would like to remain 匿名の／不明の: Julia, Last night I caught my husband of 4 years masturbating to a magazine. I really don't know what to do. I spoke to a very good friend of 地雷 and she said don't worry but I can't help but feel disgusted.

Does he find these young women attractive? Am I not good enough? What do I do? Of course we had a heated argument and I just can't bring myself to talk to him. He feels like a dirty old man all of a sudden and I feel like a prude.

Julia Cole: Most men do masturbate 定期的に.

統計（学） and 研究 tell us this is true. It probably doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you but was just doing what men do.

I think you need to ask him why he was doing this rather than assume he is doing it because he feels 失望させるd.

I think your friend is 権利. Don't worry and try to find out why he 手配中の，お尋ね者 to do this - things will sort themselves out in a short while.

Moderator: I hope you enjoyed yourself Julia?

Julia Cole: Yes, it's been 広大な／多数の／重要な to hear everyone and hope to 会合，会う you all again!