Should we 延期する離婚?

by SHARON BEXLEY, femail.co.uk

The 最近の news that 棒 Stewart and Rachel Hunter are finally to 離婚, after more than three years apart, 誘発するs the question: why did they leave it so long?

When so many celebrities 急ぐ to the 離婚法廷，裁判所s as soon as their 関係 is over, 棒 and Rachel seemed in no hurry to 公式に call it a day - にもかかわらず the fact that both always made it plain there'd be no 仲直り.

Why is it, even when a marriage is 明確に over, that some couples 延期する離婚? Can there be a 権利 time to go through a 離婚 - and how do you recognise when that is?

Relate counsellor Denise Knowles says: 'In a lot of 関係s, にもかかわらず what's happening on the surface, one partner 現実に doesn't want the 離婚 to happen so they don't 押し進める for it. If there's no-one in their ex-partner's life, they may still be hoping there's a chance they might get 支援する together again.

'In this 状況／情勢, a couple will only be ready to 離婚 when the partner who doesn't want the 離婚 to happen moves on. When their mindset matches their partner's - that's when 離婚 is appropriate.'

Unwelcome image

Denise 追加するs that many couples 避ける the 問題／発行する of 離婚 because of what they see as an unwelcome change of image. Splitting up is one thing; 現実に存在離婚d, and how that 影響する／感情s others' image of you, is やめる another:

'Many separated couples may 持つ／拘留する off from 離婚ing because they worry about the loss of status. I have known women who have been 離婚d for many years who put on their wedding （犯罪の）一味 when they go out. They want to look as if they're spoken for. 存在 married makes them feel 保護するd, and doing this is a form of self-defence.'

Also, ありふれた though 離婚 is in our society, taking the 決定／判定勝ち（する） to 合法的に end your 関係 is fraught with emotional significance.

'Going through 離婚 means you are の近くにing the door on a 抱擁する一時期／支部 of your life,' say s Denise. 'There will be a lot of elements of your new life that will be very difficult to を取り引きする. It's a momentous 決定／判定勝ち（する）.'

It's also a 決定／判定勝ち（する） that needs to be taken at the 権利 time. Yet, just as some couples 急ぐ to the 離婚法廷，裁判所s too 早期に, is it possible to leave it too late?

'I think it is,' says Denise. 'Some couples reach a 行う／開催する／段階 where they think there's no point in getting 離婚d, if they've been apart for many years. The problem with this is they're never really able to start afresh.'

In limbo

As Denise explains: 'When a couple are not 離婚d, they're in limbo when having later 関係s. Some will use this as a defence 機械装置. If things start to get difficult in a new 関係, or too much 圧力 is put on them, they can always 非難する their marriage: 'I'm not 解放する／自由な, because I'm not 離婚d.'

'This may also be a way of 保護するing themselves against 未来傷つける. It may signify that they're 現実に not ready for another 関係, but they can't 収容する／認める it.'

So who tends to be most 責任がある持つ／拘留するing off on 離婚? Denise Knowles says more often it's men, who, she says, 'tend to find it more difficult to be on their own.

'And there is still a sense of 義務の中で men - it is still very important to them to be able to 供給する for their families. They see 存在 married as a way of 存在 able to do that; a 離婚暗示するs that they've somehow failed.'

The 問題／発行する of whether to 離婚 or not can also be used as a 武器 against the ex-partner. 'I see people who 絶対 will not entertain the idea of a 離婚正確に because by doing so, they're 妨げるing their ex from setting up with someone else,' says Denise.

'If their ex is very keen to 離婚, 説 no means they 軍隊 them to stay in 接触する. This 手段 is 現実に a very 効果的な way of 長引かせるing the 関係. Even if they fight every time they speak, it's still 接触する.'

But if a couple are still at the 行う／開催する／段階 of fighting over everything, that's definitely NOT the time to 離婚, 追加するs Denise.

'列／漕ぐ／騒動s and recriminations are the 調印する of a couple who 港／避難所't yet got each other out of their system. Only when you both feel calmer, and can 交渉する without losing your tempers, or when you feel the need for a 決意／決議...that's the time to think about 離婚.'

You're ready to 離婚 when:

1. You are both getting on with your lives

2. You feel able to regard each other as friends

3. You're not still living in each others' pockets - you're able to get through a few days without having to speak to each other about something

4. Other people are becoming more 利益／興味ing than your ex

5. You've stopped fighting and can 扱う／治療する each other with 尊敬（する）・点

6. You feel 確信して, not 十分な of dread, about the 未来

7. You enjoy your own company, and take 楽しみ in pleasing yourself

? Useful reading: Find Your Way Through 離婚, by Jill Curtis, Hodder & Stoughton, ￡6.99