What happened when I 直面するd my husband for cheating... and the realisation it was all my fault
There have been times when I’ve 手配中の，お尋ね者 to 非難する Instagram for my marriage ending but I know what ― or who ― is really to 非難する. And that’s me.
One summer morning in July 2019, I noticed my husband, Graham, had 地位，任命するd a picture of his empty plate on Instagram, having polished off a vegan breakfast at a 地元の cafe. He pronounced it ‘yummy’ and, underneath in the comments, a woman had written her 協定, that yes, it was ‘yummy’.
Curious, I clicked on her profile ― and my life fell apart.
On her social マスコミ page, there was picture after picture of my husband with her. One featured a ‘Danger of 落ちるing’ 調印する, like you get on a cliff. Underneath it someone had written ‘. . . for a beautiful lady. Too late I’m already in 深い!’
I すぐに recognised my husband’s handwriting and it was then I realised that I had a 抱擁する problem.
I 直面するd Graham that evening and he 認める it was his 令状ing. He told me he had been seeing this woman for four months.
I asked if they were sleeping together and he said yes. And what’s more, he said he’d never been happier.
It was an earth-粉々にするing, humiliating and gut-wrenching night, one I will never forget.
And yet I know a large part of the fault for his infidelity 残り／休憩（する）d with me.
Graham and I were having sex only once every two years, if that, and we’d made love maybe five times over the previous １０年間
I’d lost count of the times I’d rebuffed his 性の 前進するs, の近くにd my bedroom door on him and shut 負かす／撃墜する any conversation around our love life.
Graham and I were having sex only once every two years, if that, and we’d made love maybe five times over the previous １０年間.
So when I read last week’s 匿名の／不明の piece in the Mail by a married man who, after putting up with a １０年間 of no sex, started to have 事件／事情／状勢s, I winced because it could so easily have been me he was 令状ing about.
I, too, thought I had the perfect marriage, with three happy and healthy children and a doting, loyal husband.
I assumed that because our 28-year marriage had been carefully built on love and 尊敬（する）・点, our 欠如（する） of sex life didn’t 事柄. 明確に it did.
On the outside, our life was pretty much perfect. We had a lovely, three-bedroom, end-of-terrace, house in Shoreham-by-Sea, West Sussex, with an 別館 for my late mother-in-法律. It was a happy, busy home bursting with love.
I was the breadwinner, working on the 前線 desk of the 地元の leisure centre while Graham ran the house and home-schooled our children.
急速な／放蕩な 今後 to today, three years later, and, at 52, I’m 選び出す／独身 and still shuffling between 賃貸しの accommodation.
Is this the life I’d 想像するd for myself in middle age? No, it isn’t; I’d blithely assumed I’d be married for ever.
I assumed that because our 28-year marriage had been carefully built on love and 尊敬（する）・点, our 欠如（する） of sex life didn’t 事柄. 明確に it did
Time after time, as I’ve looked around another dingy, rented flat or written ‘離婚’ on my online dating profile, I’ve 悪口を言う／悪態d myself for not prioritising my sex life and letting my marriage die. Why did I let it get so 平易な to say no?
When we first got together our love life 堅固に underpinned our 関係. We met through a 相互の friend when I was 23 and Graham was 24.
We were a 広大な／多数の／重要な match in every way from politics to 宗教的な beliefs. Within six months we had moved in and got a mortgage together. As for our sex life, I’d 述べる it as rather frenzied. It was not unusual for us to do it two or three times a day.
I was as happy as Graham was to 始める sex. And besides, why wouldn’t I? Graham was a tennis coach with a 会社／堅い, fit 団体／死体, and I 形態／調整d up やめる nicely, too. I was a professional ダンサー, a size 8, with long 脚s and a flat stomach.
Our daughter was planned. For the first year after she was born, as I breastfed her, there was a subtle 転換 in our sex life, but we soon returned to normal. 地位，任命する-baby, I was a size 10, with fuller breasts and 一連の会議、交渉／完成するd hips, but I still felt good about myself.
Then, four years later, our son （機の）カム along. Our sex life went on 持つ／拘留する during the six months I breastfed. Once again, my thoughtful husband didn’t like the thought of us having sex while my 団体／死体 was needed by our son, which was 罰金 by me.
Later, while parenting two children under five, we were having sex a couple of times a week. Yes, it was a 減少（する） in how often we used to do it, but we didn’t mind because we were so wrapped up in family life.
Taking 在庫／株, I’d say our marriage and family were 激しく揺する solid. And I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Everyone in our social circle said we were that perfect couple ― we rarely 列／漕ぐ／騒動d and supported each other in everything.
In 2016, Sara explained to presenters Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield that sex was not a 優先 in her life
It was after our third child, another son, also planned, （機の）カム along in 2008 that things changed. に引き続いて two natural births, he was 配達するd 経由で an 緊急 Caesarean section. The moments 主要な up to it left me so traumatised, I hadn’t realised my son had 生き残るd.
On 最高の，を越す of the emotional cost, there was the physical 影響 to を取り引きする.
Scarring left me with an ugly, mangled stomach that ached 絶えず. I couldn’t sit 負かす／撃墜する or stand up without 苦痛. It even 傷つける to cuddle the children.
As for sex, it was 堅固に off the 協議事項. I was 納得させるd that the scar would 再開する.
Fortunately, Graham was incredibly understanding ― he just 手配中の，お尋ね者 me to 傷をいやす／和解させる. This went on for 18 months, during which I just 手配中の，お尋ね者 to forget about ever having sex again.
By now we’d been together almost two １０年間s; Graham was my best friend. I never worried he would leave me because we were that strong couple.
Two years after that horrific birth I was 42, a size 16, perimenopausal and feeling 猛烈に unattractive.
After my previous pregnancies, I’d lost the baby 負わせる. Now? 井戸／弁護士席, I 簡単に couldn’t 耐える to look at myself in the mirror.
Each time I’ve breastfed the children we’ve slept in separate rooms, but this time I didn’t want Graham 支援する in our bedroom. I 辞退するd to let him see me undressed.< /p>
He kept trying to be affectionate and 始める sex, but I’d 押し進める him away rather 残酷に. I can’t imagine how that 決まりきった仕事 拒絶 must have felt, but I genuinely couldn’t 耐える the thought of it.
And no I didn’t 捜し出す help. I just assumed Graham 受託するd how I felt, and that this was the new normal between us as a maried couple.
When I finally relented, two years after our third child’s birth, Graham was so loving and kept asking if I was sure I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to go ahead. It was over as quickly as it started.
By now, I was telling myself the 推論する／理由 we were having sex only once every couple of years was because the children got in the way of this part of our 関係. What if they heard us or walked in? But I know that was just an excuse.
At one point, I even 示唆するd we have an open 関係 ― that’s how much I didn’t want to have sex ― although I never 現実に thought he’d take me up on the 申し込む／申し出.
I made peace with our almost sexless marriage, telling myself my husband was happy. He was a dad of three and family life was important to both of us.
Of course, he’d gently try to 始める sex, or talk about us giving it another go, but each time he tried to 始める a conversation I shut him 負かす／撃墜する. Because Graham is such a caring and empathetic person, I thought he’d be 承認する with it.
When our youngest child was 11, Graham ― a 会社／堅い fixture on the Saturday morning Park Run ― started 会合 up with another woman to do the 5km 回路・連盟 together.
Now, I’m not a jealous person, and I 信用d him 暗黙に, so it honestly didn’t bother me at all. Before long, they had started going on bike rides and skateboarding together, too.
Looking 支援する, the 調印するs were there. Graham was taking more care with his 外見, and was much more 上昇傾向 and enthusiastic about life in general. I was just happy that he was happy and that the children were happy.
I was so 信用ing of their friendship that for four Friday evenings on the trot, when he told me he was ‘衝突，墜落ing’ at her place so they could get an 早期に start for Park Run, I just thought what a 広大な／多数の／重要な friend she was!
Then I saw that Instagram 地位，任命する. I was furious and humiliated, and I really let him have it. Even though he was upset, he didn’t apologise. I asked him to stop seeing her and he 簡単に 辞退するd.
What （機の）カム next are words that will haunt me for ever: when I pointed out he was throwing away a 28-year marriage for sex, he told me that we hadn’t had a marriage for a long, long time.
I was utterly 荒廃させるd. The betrayal was so 抱擁する that for the に引き続いて six months I just didn’t know if I was coming or going. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I （機の）カム の近くに to losing my mind.
Looking at it from Graham’s 視野, 明白に the sex element of our 関係 was more important to him than it was to me?
I moved out すぐに, and went to stay with my mum until I 設立する a rented house for me and the children, who were, understandably, broken by the 分裂（する）. There were many 涙／ほころびs.
Graham stayed in the 結婚の／夫婦の home because his mum lived there, too, and he was her carer.
Today, a wiser me takes a いっそう少なく judgmental approach. I’ve given a lot of thought to the question of why men have 事件／事情／状勢s. I know lots of women will say it’s all his fault and no wife has a 義務 to sleep with her husband, but that’s not how I feel.
Looking at it from Graham’s 視野, 明白に the sex element of our 関係 was more important to him than it was to me. I wasn’t 用意が出来ている to 妥協 or 認める his needs, and, in the 過程, I lost the love of my life.
Today Graham is わずかな／ほっそりした and healthy, a long-distance 走者 ― he’ s a catch for any woman. His 事件／事情／状勢 didn’t last the course, but he has a new partner and, as bittersweet as it is to 収容する／認める, she’s lovely. 反して me? I’m a 円熟した student at a university in Sussex and ― にもかかわらず forays into online dating ― still very much 選び出す／独身.
I never got my 人物／姿／数字 支援する and am 戦う／戦いing the menopause, too.
If my daughter ever decides to get married I will be 残酷に honest with her about the physical 味方する of married life.
I cannot understate how important this 面 is. Because if you aren’t having sex with your husband, there are plenty of women out there who will.
Graham says:
I like to say that Sara had a four-year 頭痛. The number of times I heard ‘no’ over the years, it got to the 行う／開催する／段階 where there was no point in asking any more. It knocks your self-esteem when an important part of you suddenly becomes redundant. I felt drained and unhappy.
I should probably have been firmer and told Sara how much our 欠如（する） of sex life upset me. I do understand why she didn’t want to have sex any more; after having children, it is something you can go off, but men don’t have that same 生物学の 返答.
Whenever I tried to talk to Sara about our 欠如（する） of sex life, it was never the 権利 time: she was either on the phone, on social マスコミ, watching television or she’d just shut me 負かす／撃墜する.
存在 knocked 支援する again and again chipped away at my psyche. There was a point when Sara told me we should have an open 関係. It’s one thing to 公然と 明言する／公表する that, but やめる another to be 受託するing of it.
So when an 適切な時期 現在のd itself, it was 平易な for me to 正当化する. This other woman gave me a little bit of happiness, and I didn’t feel 有罪の.
I’m not a cruel person, but I did it to save myself after years of 存在 ignored.
I don’t think Sara is to 非難する, rather I 悔いる that we 許すd things to get to that 行う／開催する／段階 and that communication broke 負かす／撃墜する between us.
It was her 決定／判定勝ち（する） to leave. Ironically, the 事件／事情／状勢 fizzled out soon afterwards.
Today, we get on 井戸／弁護士席 for the sake of our children. Ironically she listens to me more now than she ever did before.
A? 見解／翻訳／版 of this article, part of the Femail Classics series, was 初めは published on September 30, 2022
