My lover likes to fantasise that other men are lusting after me

By ROWAN PELLING FOR THE DAILY MAIL
Updated: 11:39 BST, 21 March 2011

I was so happy when, after six years in the dating wilderness, I finally met a man I adored ― someone who’s happy to take on a middle-老年の 離婚 with two 十代の少年少女s. Our sex life is mostly very good, but there’s one asp ect of it that bothers me.

When we're out together at any social 集会, he’s too keen that I 循環させる and talk to other men; then he goes on about how they fancy me. It's absurd, as there's never any chemistry between me and these supposed 競争相手s. I'm not comfortable flirting and I only have 注目する，もくろむs for my boyfriend.

The worst thing is that he does this when we're in bed together, 説 that some man or other 'wants' me and would be jealous if he could see us.? Am I over-反応するing?

Uncomfortable 状況／情勢: A reader isn't happy about the way her boyfriend encourages her to flirt with other men

No, I don’t think you’re over-反応するing. It’s never comfortable to be 押し進めるd into behaving in a way that’s 外国人 to you. Your boyfriend would 明確に like to cast you as a 蒸し暑い サイレン／魅惑的な, when that’s not in your nature.

But the more important question is whether your partner’s behaviour is problematic enough to 脅す the long-称する，呼ぶ／期間／用語 happiness of your 関係.

It seems to be there are two 部類s that your other half’s personality type might 落ちる into. The first is that worrying 産む／飼育する of ultra-jealous male who sees every other man as a 脅し. That sort of jealousy often turns into 危険に controlling behaviour. If you think your partner begins to tick these boxes then I’d be 用心深い about continuing the 関係.

However, it seems much more likely to me, from what you’ve written, that your partner 落ちるs into the second 部類.

A worryingly jealous man wouldn’t 許す h is girlfriend anywhere 近づく other men, let alone encourage them to flirt. Your chap, on the other 手渡す, is what I’d 述べる as an さもなければ 穏やかな-mannered man who happens to 心にいだく a fantasy that his beloved is so irresistible that every man is lusting after her.

This type gets what one male friend (who 苦しむs from the syndrome) 述べるs as ‘a deliciously torturous thrill’ from imagining their partner 存在 taken from them. He explains that a little dose of self-induced jealousy makes him even more ardent in bed.

I should 強調する／ストレス this is a fantasy, and a pretty ありふれた one at that.?

I’ve hardly ever met a man who would, in actuality, like to see his partner 存在 seduced by another man ― but I’ve met やめる a few who enjoy imagining it. Indeed, when I edited an erotic magazine a number of the short stories we published followed that 主題.

And last year’s Man Booker Prize 勝利者, Howard Jacobson, wrote a novel called The 行為／法令／行動する Of Love portraying an antiquarian bookseller who is 消費するd by passion for his elegant wife, yet contrives to 押し進める her into 姦通.

His protagonist 宣言するs at one point: ‘No man has ever loved a woman, and not imagined her in the 武器 of another.’

明確に that’s not true, but what’s 正確な is that some people’s love has a masochistic element.

I once had a much older boyfriend who 絶えず used to exclaim: ‘That’s horrible of you!’ When I asked him what was so mean, he used to say: ‘The way you’re going to leave me for a City boy.’

In the event, I left him for an 貧窮化した 新聞記者／雑誌記者, but it was （疑いを）晴らす my ex enjoyed 拷問ing himself over my 未来 inconstancy.

One of the upsides of your partner’s behaviour is that he 明確に believes you are irresistible. If you were a more immodest and exuberant person, you’d probably enjoy the whole charade of pretending to flirt with other men. I certainly know women who are complicit in teasing their partners that way.

One old PR friend says that she finds it touching that, at the age of 53, her husband of more than 20 years still thinks every man is in love with her. ‘He 会談 about how some man at a party was gazing at my breasts, when we’re in bed,’ she confides. ‘It’s almost never true, but we both enjoy the fantasy.’

But she went on to say: ‘I can see why it’s a difficult fantasy for many women to subscribe to, because we all know that if you encouraged your husband to flirt with other 女性（の）s you’d probably lose him.’

However, you do not enjoy 存在 押し進めるd into working a room flirtatiously, so 妥協.

You have every 権利 to resist your partner’s suggestions that you talk to other men; just tell him he should be flattered that a goddess like you only has 注目する，もくろむs for him.

I don’t think you should be too bothered about what your partner says in bed. If he likes to im agine that all men 願望（する） you, where’s the 害（を与える）? As fantasies go, it’s a pretty 穏健な one.

After all, everything else 作品 in your 関係 and he’s not 妨げるing at the thought of taking on your teenage children, so he must have noble 質s. Isn’t it better to be 見解（をとる）d as a サイレン／魅惑的な than criticised for your imperfections?