Till 負債 do us part

Broke, 強調する／ストレスd and at each other's throats - the couples whose money worries are 押し進めるing their marriages to the brink

By Diana Appleyard
Updated: 02:06 BST, 8 December 2011

Had she known that buying her small son a new comic and some 甘いs would lead to such a 列／漕ぐ／騒動, Tammy Butler might have thought twice before 手渡すing over the money to the newsagent.

But then again, she hadn’t 推定する／予想するd her husband Paul to see red about her spending such a seemingly insignificant sum.

‘He went mad, 説 we couldn’t afford 高級なs like this, and we had a terrible 列／漕ぐ／騒動,’ 解任するs Tammy, 34. ‘It wasn’t the first ― we argue a lot about money nowadays. He has a go at me about spending unnecessarily on the family, and I get angry when he wants to go out with his friends because we can’t afford it. Life’s become unbelievably difficult.’

Under 圧力: Paul and Tammy Butler have been feeling the 緊張する since the 後退，不況 攻撃する，衝突する

It’s not a 状況／情勢 they thought they’d find themselves in. Until the 後退，不況 struck two years ago, the Butlers were comfortably off ― Tammy earned £50,000 a year as a marketing 経営者／支配人 and Paul around £30,000 running a hotel.

They had a beau tiful home in Chesterfield, Derbyshire, ate out at good restaurants 定期的に and frequently went on holiday.

But since then, both have been made redundant twice and are now working in 職業s 収入 half what they used to. They’ve managed to 粘着する on to the house, but everything else has gone.

‘We’re 感謝する to be working,’ says Tammy, ‘but when we get home each night, we sit in the same 前線 room watching the same TV programmes because we can’t afford to go out.’

Tammy buys food that’s been 減ずるd because it’s 近づく its sell-by date, and there are no family trips to the zoo with seven-year-old Alex, birthday 現在のs or other 扱う／治療するs. ‘The 後退，不況 has sucked all the fun out of our lives and we are left trying to 粘着する on to what brought us together in the first place,’ she says.

The Butlers aren’t the only ones 苦しむing. Last month, a Femail article on the ‘squeezed middle classes’ 刺激するd a 抱擁する 返答 from readers keen to 株 their 経済的な woes and 恐れるs for the 荒涼とした winter ahead.

Many 詳細（に述べる）d how 財政上の hardship was not only 廃虚ing their 財政／金融s but 関係s 同様に. And they aren’t alone. Relate recently 報告（する）／憶測d a rise in 需要・要求する for its 結婚の／夫婦の counselling services in two-thirds of its centres, while the Office for 国家の 統計（学） 明らかにする／漏らすs 離婚 率s have risen by 6?per cent as the economy より悪くするs.

Relate says a ４半期/4分の1 of all couples are arguing far more, with money worries the ありふれた bone of 論争.

Tammy 収容する／認めるs: ‘Money worries drain everything, and have had a 示すd 影響 on our 関係. But thank goodness we’ve managed to stay together ― of Paul’s seven closest friends, three are 離婚ing as a result of the 後退，不況 and all the problems it brings. It makes you feel incredibly 攻撃を受けやすい.’ Forty-year-old PR 顧問 Emma 支持を得ようと努めるd, who lives in Amersham, Bucks, is 直面するing a 類似の 危機.

Before the 経済的な 下降, she felt she had it all: a four-bedroomed detached home, three children and a happy marr iage to Nick, an entrepreneur running his own successful 商売／仕事 selling kitchen 器具／備品 to restaurants and hotels.

Secret worry: Very few people are willing to 株 their 財政上の 関心s with friends or family

But then the 嵐／襲撃する 攻撃する，衝突する. ‘Suddenly all my dreams for the 未来 look in 疑問,’ she says, ‘and I’m 熟視する／熟考するing having to work 十分な-time. My husband and I bicker far more about money and our 関係 has taken a turn for the worse. I feel 絶えず under 圧力 from all 味方するs.

‘The 緊張s between us are growing even worse as we approach Christmas. I would love to splash out on lovely 現在のs for the family, but we just do not have the money. Nick and I argue about it endlessly.

‘I worry far more than Nick because I like to 計画（する） for the 未来, and I hate the fact that we can’t put any money away as 貯金, or into a 年金 マリファナ, or 支払う／賃金 for 扱う／治療するs. The worry is 絶えず in the 支援する of my mind, and this 必然的に takes its （死傷者）数 on our 関係. I snap at him when it isn’t his fault, and it is rather a symptom of the worry than a problem in our 関係.’

Professor Jan Pahl, Emer itus Professor of Social 政策 at Kent University and author of Money And Marriage, believes couples up and 負かす／撃墜する the country are in 類似の 状況／情勢s to Emma and Tammy.

‘Many marriages will 崩壊する under the 圧力,’ she 警告するs. ‘Money is the main topic of 論争 within a marriage, と一緒に sex or the 欠如（する） of it. What is hardest for couples is that it’s a secret worry ― very few people are willing to 株 their 財政上の worries with friends or family.’?

Emma agrees. ‘Little things 誘発する off 列／漕ぐ／騒動s 絶えず ― who is spending the most, who is wasting money. We know that we have to pull together on this but you can’t help feeling resentful and apportioning 非難する.’

Professor Pahl says: ‘The 複雑化 in a marriage is that a family is not a 選び出す／独身 財政上の 部隊. Usually both of the couple are 収入, and they have their own money and their own spending 優先s. Usually women will prioritise the children and the home, 反して men are much more likely to spend money on themselves, gadgets or sport. A 広大な／多数の／重要な 取引，協定 of the 緊張 comes from these 異なるing 優先s.’

Self-雇うd beautician Vicky Morton, 24, agrees. She lives in Macclesfield, Cheshire, with her partner David, a 35-year-old who 作品 for a plastic 製造業者, and their three young children and says: ‘The 財政上の 状況／情勢 means so many of my dreams for the 未来 are 存在 put on 持つ／拘留する.

‘We’re living in a three-bedroomed end-of-terrace house, and I had planned for us to move in the next few years into a four- bedroom detached house with a bigger garden, to give the children more space and a bedroom each. But David’s company is cutting 支援する ― they have made redundancies and 減ずるd hours for staff, so that is a constant worry and we’ve had to put our 計画（する）s on 持つ／拘留する.

‘Also, より小数の women are having beauty 治療s so my 収入s have halved in the past two years.

‘I am trying to 削減（する） 支援する ― but even one trip to Tesco and only filling half a trolley costs about £50. It’s putting 圧力 on our 関係, 特に as David and I have a very different 態度 to money ― I love to spend, 反して he is much more 用心深い. I resent having to 削減（する） 支援する on everything, 反して David says if we can’t afford it, we are not buying it.

‘He says I am 推定する／予想するing too much, and that is 原因（となる）ing 緊張 between us.’

Vicky, mum to Leon, five, Toby, three, and Millie, one, 収容する／認めるs: ‘If I am honest, the hardest thing for me is putting my aspirations on 持つ／拘留する. It is as if the 未来 I had planned for us is going up in smoke.’

End of the road: There could be more 圧力 placed on one partner if they earn more money, 転換ing the 勢力均衡 which could （一定の）期間 the end of some marriages

Professor Pahl believes money worries are the 最初の／主要な 推論する／理由 behind most marriage break-ups. She says: ‘The most important thing is for couples to talk to each other 率直に. You mustn’t let 憤慨 fester, or hide 法案s from each other.

‘What the 後退，不況 will mean is that there might be more 圧力 on one partner, if they can earn more money than the other, and this means the 勢力均衡 within the 関係 may 転換.’

So, if the wife has to go out to work, or work more, then the 関係 will 転換 on its axis.

For 45-year-old Sarah Owen, who lives in Oxford and runs her own events 商売／仕事, the time has run out for 肯定的な thinking and she is in the 過程 of 離婚ing her husband Stephen, also 45.

‘He was made redundant two years ago from his 職業 running IT 事業／計画（する）s within the banking system,’ says Sarah, who has two children, Jack, 15, and Arthur, 13. ‘Stephen had been 井戸／弁護士席 paid, and I could afford to work part-time.

‘We hadn’t saved, because we thought the good times would never end. We did not 想像する Stephen losing his 職業 and when he did, it was as if his world had ended. He was paid a year’s salary, but we perhaps foolishly used that to 支払う／賃金 off a part of the mortgage.

‘Then, instead of looking for work, he sat at home and in the evenings went out to the pub and began to drink ひどく. I was the one trying to 対処する ― it was as if he had 選ぶd out of his 責任／義務s to his family.’

Sarah built her 商売／仕事 up, and began to work five days a week. Even so, their sons had to leave their 私的な schools.

‘Stephen and I argued 絶えず about money and 結局 we had a 大規模な 列／漕ぐ／騒動 and he walked out,’ says Sarah. ‘To be honest, it was a 救済. It was as if he was 絶えず surrounded by a dark cloud.’

Sarah is now 単独で 責任がある her family, as Stephen still does not have a 職業 and is living with his parents. They are selling their four-bedroom country home.

‘In the space of six months, my life changed for ever,’ she says. ‘Money was definitely at the heart of it. I couldn’t 耐える the fact that Stephen seemed to have just given up.’

Professor Pahl says: ‘Everyone needs to take a long hard look at their 財政／金融s, and if necessary, 捜し出す professional help from organisations such as the 国民s’ Advice Bureau or marriage 指導／手引.

‘Life is going to be 堅い this year and next, and couples are going to have to be very 保護の of their 関係s ーするために 天候 the 嵐／襲撃する.

‘Sadly, many may fail.’

Some 指名するs have been changed.