My Mum NEVER 賞賛するd me, even when I starred on TV. And it was the making of me

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When I was 12, I （機の）カム home from school with the hard-earned results of my physics 実験（する） ― my most-hated 支配する ― and proudly 発表するd to my mother that I'd been given an A-minus. Far from lavishing me with 賞賛する, her 注目する，もくろむs 常習的な.

'Jennifer, that is really not good enough. You're perfectly 有能な of getting an A. You must try harder,' she said.

鎮圧するd, as always, by her 決意 to see the glass as half empty where I was 関心d, I gritted my teeth ― and 決定するd to do better next time.

Must try harder: Jenni Murray with her mother on the 小島 of Wight during school holidays

While I always did 井戸／弁護士席 at my northern grammar school, I dreaded bringing home my 年次の 報告（する）／憶測, 特に if I had been beaten to the 最高の，を越す of the class by Nadine, or Linda, or Joan.

'I see you're second,' my mother would intone. 'I'm disappointed. You could have tried much harder and come out 最高の，を越す.'

I was, I suppose, the 焦点（を合わせる） of all her ambition ― the only child of a woman who had given up her own blossoming career in the Civil Service to marry and become a? 十分な-time mother. And she seemed to have decided that the best way to fulfil these vicarious ambitions was to 保留する 賞賛する from me 完全に.

Her rationing of compliments 延長するd to every sphere of my life ― I don't 解任する ever 存在 paid a compliment for my 外見, my behaviour or my schoolwork. This continued throughout adulthood, too.

During my years as a presenter on Newsnight, my mother would phone after every programme. Every time, I'd live in hope of some words of 激励, 特に if I'd 行為／行うd a tricky interview with a 上級の 政治家，政治屋.

But that wasn't Mum's way. 'Oh, sorry, love, I can't say I noticed who you were talking to or what you were 説, but you know that red 最高の，を越す you were wearing? It's a bit 有望な for the high colouring in your cheeks and, your 注目する，もくろむs are really your best feature, and that long fringe hides them. I'd get it 削減（する） if I were you.'

The 無線で通信する presenter pictured with her parents in Blackpool in 1951

And so it went on. Even today, six years after her death, my mother is the 焦点（を合わせる） of all my endeavour. I still work harder, 押し進める myself to the 限界 and, after each 仕事 is 完全にするd, I wonder if at last I might have pleased her.

Yet, while her 厳しい approach has certainly left me with some emotional scars ― I find it very difficult to take compliments, for one ― 研究 published this week has 明らかにする／漏らすd that my mother 's approach might 現実に have 始める，決める me up for life.

In his new 調書をとる／予約する, The 診察するd Life, psychoanalyst Stephen Grosz （人命などを）奪う，主張するs that, far from 支えるing their self-信用／信任 and setting them up for life-long success,? over-賞賛するing children can 現実に be 損失ing.

He 特記する／引用するs 研究 carried out at a university in the U.S. with ten and 11-year-olds, who were divided into two groups. They all 成し遂げるd the same 仕事s, but half were told they did really 井戸／弁護士席 because they were really clever, while the other half were told they did 井戸／弁護士席 because they must have tried hard.

Jenni Murray, pictured with her two-month-old baby Charles

When they were all given more 需要・要求するing 仕事s to 完全にする, the group who'd been told they were clever did worse than those who had been told they must have tried hard.

Grosz （人命などを）奪う，主張するs that a child who's told he or she is 'so clever' or 'such an artist' will either feel they can't live up to such high 期待s and thus will 落ちる behind, or will be なぎd into a 誤った sense of 安全 by their 'cleverness' and stop trying so hard.

His work 飛行機で行くs in the 直面する of the 'all-must-have prizes' culture parents and schools have been encouraged to embrace in 最近の years ― one which my mother would be utterly horrified by.

She would surely feel vindicated by this 研究. For her philosophy ― and it was ありふれた の中で her 同時代のs ― was that 賞賛するing a child in any way would lead to said child becoming far too big for its boots.

Children, she believed, would do 井戸／弁護士席 only if they were kept on their toes ― and you 達成するd that by pointing out, always, that they 'could have done better'.

I certainly can't complain about the success of her methods. Her constant 需要・要求するs made me a hard 労働者 and 与える／捧げるd to whatever I have managed to 達成する in my career.

That's not to say it was the perfect way to raise a child. It's hard never to feel 満足させるd with what I've done; to never feel that my 業績／成就s are enough.

I don't think I'll ever shake off the 恐れる that somehow she was 権利; that I 港／避難所't done やめる 井戸／弁護士席 enough and that, someday, someone will find me out as an 不十分な 詐欺.

So, when my own children （機の）カム along ― Ed and Charlie, now 29 and 25 ― I was 決定するd never to make them feel 不十分な. I never told them they were too thin or too fat, but always that they were gorgeous, no 事柄 how bizarre their teenage hairstyles or garb.

And I always made sure to temper 批評 with 激励. For I know from my own experience that nothing is more 損失ing to your 信用／信任 than having a parent who's constant mantra is: 'That's just not good enough.'

無線で通信する 4 presenter Jenni Murray says her mother never 賞賛するd her, and even now she 押し進めるs herself to the 限界

As far as helping with homework was 関心d, I did the arts 味方する and David, their Dad, took 支配（する）／統制する of maths and science... happily, our 態度 to 賞賛する was 類似の.

In spite of my 親族 indulgence, like my mother, I 手配中の，お尋ね者 my children to do 井戸／弁護士席 and reach their 十分な 可能性のある ― so I was careful not to go overboard and lavish them with 賞賛する, as so many of my 同時代のs seemed to do.

過度の enthusiasm for an essay, a musical 業績／成果 or a 冒険的な 業績／成就 has always annoyed me. I couldn't 耐える to hear fellow parents 噴出するing, 'You were marvellous, darling' after their woefully 普通の／平均（する） offspring had appeared in a school play or taken part in a rugby match.

I would find myself 説, instead: 'You did 井戸／弁護士席. You tried/worked very hard.'

But there's no 疑問 my instinct was to stay 絶えず on 最高の，を越す of their academic 進歩.

No parent-teacher evening was ever 行方不明になるd. Like my mother, I 選ぶd up on every について言及する in a 報告（する）／憶測 of 'could do better' or '会談 too much in class.'

It was, I felt, my 職業 to 増強する whatever a teacher was 需要・要求するing, even if, at times, the boys 保証するd me she was 'an old ogre and never says anything nice about anyone!'

When there was homework to be done, I was 絶えず nagging them, checking they were getting on with it 静かに, that they were 令状ing ― or, later, typing ― neatly, coherently and with good grammar and （一定の）期間ing. If the work was careless or sloppy, I had no worries about pointing out where the inadequacies lay and always 主張するd that it should be done again.

In fact, 令状ing this, I realise I am perhaps more 類似の to my mother than I realised.

Not that it seems to have 影響する／感情d my children 逆に ― indeed they tell me now they're 感謝する for my exacting 基準s.

They agree with me that hard work and rigour bring their own rewards, and say we have a closer 関係 because they know I will be honest with them.

They knew 成果／努力 would be rewarded and never developed an overblown belief in their own 価値（がある）. They're grown up now and are hard-working, balanced, successful young men. Ed is a vet and Charlie a photo-新聞記者／雑誌記者.

And, as I 疑問 they'll ever read this article, I'll let myself go just this once.

Boys, you're marvellous. Handsome, clever, 肉親，親類d... I could go on. I am so proud!

For that's what I really feel ― although, of course, I'd never say it to their 直面するs.

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