BEL MOONEY: Should I help my lying and abusive adult son?

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DEAR BEL,

I’ve always had a 緊張するd 関係 with my eldest son, now in his 中央の-20s.

I was in an abusive 関係 with his father, which ended before my son was two, but the 脅迫 and 乱用 carried on for some years afterwards.

My behaviour probably didn’t help him, either: I drank a lot and had 関係s I’m not proud of.

But I turned my life around, got a 職業 and met a lovely man (now my husband) when my son was five ― and he’s always supported him.

My son has done awful things in the past, but I want to try to help him move on, though he’s never fully 定評のある the bad things ― they’re always someone else’s fault.

I tried to get him help as a child, but the NHS wasn’t very helpful. It was only when I 押し進めるd for a proper 査定／評価 of him that they （機の）カム 支援する with ‘行為／行う disorder’, but I think it’s something more serious.

He gets very angry when I 示唆する he 協議するs someone. He doesn’t think he has a problem, but is very angry and disillusioned with everything. Family members and friends have 削減（する） him off; he’ll have no one if I do the same.

'He has children he doesn’t support and resents me for 存在 伴う／関わるd in their lives. I worry he’s going to have a mental 決裂／故障 or 傷つける himself'

He 定期的に texts me 乱用, 説 I’m an awful person and have never supported him. Just some of the things he’s done: stealing from family members and my 攻撃を受けやすい 隣人s, then lying when the 証拠 was there.

脅迫 and breaking things in our home if I was doing something he didn’t want me to do. In the end, I had to ask him to move out when he 粉砕するd my TV and broke a window.

He has children he doesn’t support and resents me for 存在 伴う／関わるd in their lives. I worry he’s going to have a mental 決裂／故障 or 傷つける himself because he’s so 孤立するd from society and, as his mum, I feel so anxious and worried for him all the time.

Am I 存在 weak? I could be putting my own mental health in jeopardy by 絶えず trying to help him.

I also have younger children and a lovely husband who need my support. I wasn’t a perfect parent, but why should I be in an abusive 関係 with my child?

DENISE

A line of script in last Monday’s Broadchurch on TV jumped out at me. The character Beth said: ‘You can’t 救助（する） someone when they don’t want to be saved.’

Every therapist knows the truth of that. Still, I’ve always 定評のある how hard it is to step away from your own child ― it’s all very 井戸／弁護士席 to counsel ‘堅い love,’ but you have to ask w hat if this were your son.

As this unfortunate young man’s mother, you are honest in 受託するing that his childhood was 損失ing. You realised something was very wrong and 明確に needed more help than you got.

Your unedited letter gave more examples of his destructive behaviour, once 伴う／関わるing your mother. To an 部外者, it’s no wonder the 残り／休憩（する） of the family turned their 支援するs on him, because there is only so much 暴力／激しさ and 乱用 people can take.

Your son has fathered children for whom he takes no 責任／義務, lied, stolen, 乱用d and 非難するs others for his 哀れな, angry life.

It’s certainly possible to feel pity for him, yet at the same time I always think of those brought up in terrible circumstances who manage to 勝利 over adversity and 建設する admirable lives.

It takes us 支援する to the old question: how far can you 非難する the world for your moral 欠陥／不足s? Yet his mental health sounds very 壊れやすい.

行為／行う disorder (‘a mental disorder 診断するd in childhood or adolescence that 現在のs itself through a repetitive and 執拗な pattern … in which the basic 権利s of others or major age-appropriate norms are 侵害する／違反するd … often referred to as “antisocial behaviours” ’) has symptoms that fit the descriptions of your son’s 活動／戦闘s.

I’m also wondering at what age this all began ― under ten? Also whether he has taken 麻薬s (I’d almost bet on it), because that could certainly 与える／捧げる to his mental problems.

It won’t surprise you that I hesitate ― because though he needs help 不正に, I do not see how you, his 猛烈に worried and unhappy mother, can 軍隊 him to 捜し出す it.

I wonder if your husband, who has known his stepson for so long, might be able to 介入する? Perhaps he has already told your son that abusive texts to you must stop. I hope so.

Your son’s first male 役割 model was terrible ― but that doesn’t mean other men in his life have to tiptoe around his problem.

I could never tell you to walk away, but could you step 支援する? As you say, your own mental health is at 火刑／賭ける. The crux comes when you ask yourself whether you can sacrifice the 井戸／弁護士席-存在 of your husband and other children for the sake of your ‘lost’ first child.

No one can answer that for you, but I certainly 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う your husband could be the 重要な ― and should perhaps take 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金 here, to relieve you of the 重荷（を負わせる） of choice.

I 恐れる I'll never 会合，会う another man

DEAR BEL,

I am a 47-year-old 選び出す／独身 mum of two children 老年の six and eight ― separated from their father after eight years in a very unhappy and, at times, abusive 関係.

Before that, I had only ever had 簡潔な／要約する flings that never really led to anything. I’ve been 選び出す／独身 now for five years and always told myself I don’t want a 関係, as it’s too stressful and difficult.

However, as the years pass, I’m starting to feel very lonely and ますます sad that I must spend the 残り／休憩（する） of my life alone.

I know what everyone says ― join a club or do online dating to 会合，会う someone ― but these are things I can’t do 予定 to 手足を不自由にする／（物事を）損なうing low self-esteem and poor 団体／死体 image.

I am overweight, not really attractive and though I know I’m a decent, caring person, the thought of trying to find a partner terrifies me.

I’ve only had 関係s with men I knew through work and gra dually felt 確信して enough to talk to. I can’t begin to imagine how I’d 対処する with having to ‘date’ someone.

I wonder if I’ll ever experience real love for someone and for them to love and 尊敬（する）・点 me.

It’s terribly depressing to think I’m never going to have a loving partner but will grow old alone.

Some days all I want is a warm embrace and someone to talk to, but I can’t ever see this happening for me.

I know it sounds self-pitying, but I have to know how to 伸び（る） the 信用／信任 I need to try to 改善する my 状況／情勢.

REBECCA

You had your children やめる late in life, and the second one when you already knew the 関係 was unhappy and いつかs abusive.

Looking 支援する, I’m sure you’d do everything 異なって. にもかかわらず, it surely took 広大な／多数の／重要な courage to get out of the 状況／情勢, but the 損失 to your self-価値（がある） was 深い. I imagine you also felt 犯罪 because of the children ― and so I feel nothing but sympathy for you.

You say that all the usual advice people like me tend to 落ちる 支援する on is no good to you when you feel depressed, lonely, fat and plain. I 表明する that bluntly, because there’s no use me trying to sugar the pill that already tastes so bitter. It’s patronising to murmur ‘Oh, it can’t be as bad as all that’ ― when to you it jolly 井戸／弁護士席 is.

過激な thought is needed, so can we 転換 the 強調 away from 会合 men? Many women will understand your timidity, which is why I ask whether you have 女性（の） friends?

Here is where I’d like you to start ― with 濃厚にするing life by 選ぶing up old friendships and making new ones. If you saw the ‘join a club’ advice as a means to 会合，会う friends rather than men, it may 転換 your perception about the next 行う／開催する／段階 in life.

And that brings me to shopping, hair, make-up and some of the other things that most (though not all) women 雑談（する） about. I certainly do with my best friend ― and 広大な／多数の／重要な fun it is, too. You see, if you hate the way you look so much, you need to be encouraged to change it. You don’t have to be overweight or to carry on hating your 外見 in other ways.

No need to 粘着する to the same hairstyle, nor to say you don’t care about make-up. No need not to start small changes in your life tomorrow, starting with all important diet and 栄養.

People will tell me this is hard, but I’ll reply plenty of people still take their lives by the scruff of the neck and shake ’em about. You don’t have the 力／強力にする to 魔法 up an ideal boyfriend; you do have the 力／強力にする to make changes in your own life.

Start a daily 定期刊行物 in which you 令状 at least two things each day: something that’s made you happy and something you’ve 達成するd. The happy bit could be to do with your kids or a good 雑談（する） with a new friend. The second part might be deciding not to 軽食 with the children, but eat a salad when they’re in bed.

令状 even if you don’t feel like it. As the days pass, this will all build into something 肯定的な ― just you wait and see.

It may seem strange that I don’t について言及する your longing to be loved. I certainly understand its 力／強力にする, but letting it 消費する you is a waste of life. Small steps could 徐々に lead you in that direction. Always be ready to be surprised by joy.

And finally... 存在 soppy is NOT a 調印する of 証拠不十分

It’s not my habit to read online comment (incidentally MailOnline doesn’t run comments on this column, as 攻撃を受けやすい people who have 注ぐd out problems to me could be put at 危険 by nastiness), but occasionally I take a look.

A week ago, I wrote an article for the Mail criticising some of the vulgar Mother’s Day cards on sale ― grim 製品s using four-letter words. 自然に, many people 同意しないd, which is their 権利: if you want to tell your mother you’re glad you ‘fell out of her vagina’, then be my guest. I don’t take ‘offence’ at this stuff ― just wonder why anyone would bother.

But I will take 問題／発行する with those people who said their mothers prefer that 肉親，親類d of 汚い ‘humour’ to ‘soppy’ cards. It’s strange that ‘soppiness’ is a 称する，呼ぶ／期間／用語 of 乱用 here, when as a nation we’re pretty soppy in other ways. After all, to give one sad example, teddy 耐えるs and messages about angels abound after a car 衝突，墜落.

So why is a straightforward message of affection 解任するd as ‘soppy’?

Was it ‘soppy’ for my 37-year-old daughter to choose a card showing a 地図／計画する beneath the message ‘Mum I’d be Lost Without You’? And was there anything unacceptably sentimental about the laconic message my son (43) chose: ‘Mum ― Loved you yesterday / Love you still / Always have / Always will’ ― on a plain card?

Coincidentally both scrawled the same words inside: ‘The card says it all.’ That’s what any mum wants to hear ― that she did something 権利. No need to talk about her 私的な parts.

I’ve been 令状ing an advice column for 12 years, which 納得させるs me that if more people were able to 表明する real emotions to those they love then the world would be a much happier place.

Why be afraid of 表明するing 深い feelings? The most wonderful best man’s speech I ever heard was by a shaven-haired rugger player who had the courage to tell the groom how much he (yes!) loved him.

Sorry we are not 現在／一般に 受託するing comments on this article.