BEL MOONEY: I feel sexy and young, but all my man wants is a cuddle

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Dear Bel,

My partner and I have been together for 11 years. We had a very loving, physical 関係 十分な of laughter and happiness.

Life-changing illness 攻撃する，衝突する us hard, but he 回復するd with stoic 決意 and humour and I was touched by his courage.

My problem is, I love him, but I'm not ready to feel like an old person!

I'm 67, youngish-looking, 利益／興味d in fashion and make-up, わずかな／ほっそりした and used to be considered attractive.

We decided to move to the countryside for a new start: peace, 静かな and 質 of life.

It was hard for me to leave family and friends, but I felt I needed a break. We enjoyed our new life, but it no longer 含むd a physical 関係, as his 医薬 had 原因（となる）d a 完全にする loss of libido.

I 設立する this so difficult. All the fun has disappeared, all the passion. We are just like brother and sister.

He will give me a cuddle and a kiss with no 性の element and he gets upset if I try to discuss it. He thinks I should just 受託する it.

We had counselling after hospital, but he gave up after one 開会／開廷／会期. I continued for six months. Also, I do almost everything on my own. He's contented at home and in the garden.

I like walking, dancing, still feel young and want to make the most of my life. I 行方不明になる my old friends and family, but he's 毅然とした he won't move 支援する. He loves our new home ― and it is lovely.

I try to see my children as often as I can, but feel 有罪の about leaving him. He says he'd do anything for me, but 明確に won't.

I feel unattractive ― as if just 場内取引員／株価 time until I die. I do voluntary work and try so hard to keep my spirits up.

I know he loves me, but our life consists of shopping, cooking, TV and gardening.

Am I 推定する／予想するing too much? I feel like a young person in an old age pensioner's life.

KAYE

This week Bel Mooney advises a woman whose husband will give her a cuddle and a kiss with no 性の element - and gets upset if she tries to discuss it

The question 提起する／ポーズをとるd here, 'Am I 推定する／予想するing too much?' put me in mind of that quotation by the 19th-century American writer, Henry David Thoreau: 'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined.'

I used to have it up on my 塀で囲む, but took it 負かす／撃墜する a few years ago. Why? Because 令状ing this column 納得させるd me that dreams can do 損失.

Yes, the freewheeling romanticism of Thoreau's words is 控訴，上告ing ― 特に when you are young. Of course, aspirations are good, but not if unrealistic. The trouble is, nagging discontentment can be so corrosive ― which is why (now I'm older and wiser) I am in favour of making the most of the life that you have.

What you rarely see 引用するd is Thoreau's next 宣告，判決: 'As you 簡単にする your life, the 法律s of the universe will be simpler.' That part is much いっそう少なく obvious. Is living 簡単に truly going in 'the direction of your dreams'? I 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う many people would find a contradiction there ― 含むing you, Kaye.

You and your husband decided on 'peace, 静かな and 質 of life' ― yet now you are chafing at what you see as the dullness of this 存在.

It so happens that the country life you complain of just about sums up the way my husband and I love to spend our time ― and millions of others would think it sounds perfect. Which fact will be no なぐさみ to you, but just 価値（がある） thinking about.

The 欠如（する） of physical affection is, of course, at the heart of your discontentment ― and must surely 燃料 the more general sense of loneliness. I'm wondering whether reigniting a sex life wo uld serve to 補償する for not 株ing activities, or whether the latter might 最終的に 証明する to be more important as you grow older.

It must have been acutely shocking and humiliating for your partner to realise that because of his necessary (and 現在進行中の) 医薬s his libido had gone. No wonder he doesn't want to discuss it: he sees no way out, feels your 失望 acutely and の近くにs 負かす／撃墜する the conversation.

You explain (in your longer email) that if you try to touch him sexually, he makes a joke of it. I have to be honest and say I don't 非難する the poor man.

If I 示唆する the only 代案／選択肢 to 受託するing the 状況／情勢 (as he wishes you would) is to have an 事件／事情／状勢 or move 支援する to town and end the marriage, then you might ask yourself how important the 欠如（する） of sex really is.

Does a life '十分な of laughter and happiness' have to come to an end because a man can no longer 成し遂げる? If so, that's sad.

It surprises me when women need to be 願望（する）d by a man ーするために 'feel attractive'. What's to stop you getting a new hairstyle, make-up and new 着せる／賦与するs, just for yourself? But that aside, I 完全に sympathise with your wish to have fun together.

Do you have friends to stay? Do you put on old 跡をつけるs and dance in the kitchen? Honestly, that can 解除する your spirits like nothing else.

If he loves the garden, have you 株d in 示唆するing replanting?

You see, it worries me you're complaining about all 面s of your life with this 'wonderful man' ― 許すing unhappiness to blind you to ways it could be 改善するd. Imagine if his illness had ended his life . . . where would you be?

It could be that Thoreau's '法律s of the universe' are 主要な you に向かって an understanding that the life 運命／宿命 has bestowed is blessed in ways it is your 追求（する），探索（する） to discover.

?I'm fed up caring for my cruel mum

Dear Bel,

Until 18 months ago, I was a happy teacher with more than 30 years' experience. But four years ago my mum was 診断するd with Alzheimer's.

I lived 100 miles away. She's 押し進めるd all her friends away with her cantankerous behaviour (this a friend's word, not 地雷) and has no 接触する with 隣人s. She has always been difficult.

I decided to give up the 職業 I loved. Even with support from social services there seemed no choice. So I left my lovely home, my two grown-up daughters (老年の 29 and 27 now) and moved closer to Mum ― still 50 miles away, unable to move closer because of my husband's 職業.

My girls and my husband give wonderful support. I see Mum every other day and she has a carer twice a day. I am looking at 居住の homes where I believe Mum will be 安全な and happy later. But I often find myself so 十分な of 怒り／怒る and 失望／欲求不満 I can't breathe. Mum and I have never been の近くに. Her behaviour to me ― in particular the past 12 months ― 瀬戸際s on cruelty.

Caring for someone you are incredibly の近くに to is hard enough, but though I love my mum, I don't like the way she 扱う／治療するs me most of the time.

My 憤慨 can be 圧倒的な, yet still I go on. What about the carers who do not want to be carers? We live in silence. If you 収容する／認める how much you hate the 役割 of 'caring', then people look as if you're breaking a タブー.

SUZANNE

Your letter will resonate with innumerable readers, as it is truly a problem for our times. It is 概算の that by 2021 there will be more than a million people living with dementia in the UK, and their story 必然的に 伴う／関わるs those who are looking after them ― 概略で about 700,000 未払いの, exhausted, 失望させるd, dutiful carers.

And many feel as you do, Suzanne. I am sure it did you much good to 令状 it all out to me, in an 初めの email much longer than this.

But here is the unusual 面 of your 状況／情勢. I want readers to know you have 地雷d your depths of 失望／欲求不満 and love and written an 驚くべき／特命の／臨時の play about this painful, but all-too-ありふれた 状況／情勢. You sent it to me, I read it ― and was 深く，強烈に impressed.

So if an imaginative 無線で通信する 4 演劇 生産者 or any theatre 生産者 would like to get in touch with me, I will 喜んで send you this terrific piece, called An Absence Of, because I believe it could be turned into something powerful. Please do.

In the 合間, you tell me you are also 令状ing stories. Giving up the teaching 職業 you loved ーするために help your difficult and often 汚い (yes, it must be said) mother has taken you into a painful world of simmering 憤慨 harnessed by a sense of 患者 義務, but it has also 解放（する）d you into creativity.

The 緊張 between what you want and what you feel you must do, between honesty and silence, between love and 犯罪, love and 'hate' ― all this is pulling you in many directions, but you are 表明するing this in words.

I know you will agree with me when I 示唆する to others in a 類似の 状況／情勢 that 令状ing feelings 負かす／撃墜する can be 治療力のある.

Not everybody has the talent to 令状 a play, but to buy a notebook and scrawl 負かす／撃墜する 失望／欲求不満s can be useful.

The website carersuk.org 含む／封じ込めるs a lot of （警察などへの）密告，告訴（状） for people in your 状況／情勢 同様に as an online 会議, which must be useful for those who feel 孤立するd by their caring 役割.

It's so important to know that others 株 your feelings ― which is why, Suzanne, I hope your 令状ing finds an audience.

?And finally...?The wise words of a 6-year-old

'Out of the mouths of babes … ' they say, and many of us will know that children can utter little gems of truth, even ones we don't want to hear.

But I was delighted when my daughter sent me a picture of my six-year-old granddaugter Chloe's school 演習, called The Human Life Cycle. With illustrations, it filled the page like this (（一定の）期間ing 訂正するd, by the way!):

When I was a baby, I slept a lot and cried.

As a toddler, I はうd and talked.

As a child, I dressed and walked.

When I become a 十代の少年少女, I will stay up a lot and have fun.

As an adult, I will marry a man and have a baby.

When I become 年輩の, I will laugh a lot and play.

Now I rather prefer this to Shakespeare because the end is better! In As You Like It the melancholy Jaques 配達するs his speech: All the World's a 行う／開催する／段階.

He gives us the 'mewling . . . puking' 幼児, the 'whining schoolboy,' the lover, the 兵士, the 裁判官 ('司法（官）'), the skinny old man, and at last: 'Is second childishness and mere oblivion, sans teeth, sans 注目する，もくろむs, sans taste, sans everything.'

Those who know very old people will recognise truth in that, but let's forget the sadness for a moment. For aren't Chloe's six ages more 控訴，上告ing?

I love that 確信して 予測: 'I will marry a man and have a baby.' Mercifully, nobody has got to her about gender stereotypes, though tedious busybody think-戦車／タンクs 示唆する children are taught about them at the age of two.

Oh, let the children be children, for heaven's sake! 保存する them from ideology and let them play.

It's also marvellous that she gives the idea of 'having fun' to just two of the periods in the lifecycle: teenage and what I choose to call the Golden Age.

Thanks, darling granddaughter ― and let the teens and the oldies stay up late, party and laugh while there's life left. Preferably together.

Sorry we are not 現在／一般に 受託するing comments on this article.