BEL MOONEY: How can I help my son 対処する with his dad's death?

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Dear Bel,

Twenty-nine years ago, I left my husband and three sons for another man. We married and are still together. The 犯罪 stays with me; no 疑問 my selfish 行為／法令／行動する 影響する／感情d them all.

When I fell for Ed, Will and I had been married for 21 years, with faults on both 味方するs. The 離婚 was difficult. I saw the boys 定期的に, my middle son （機の）カム to live with us a year later. My eldest was off travelling the world. The youngest, Tom, probably 設立する it most difficult.

Move to 2008. My eldest (a young father) died of 癌; my youngest (then 29) had a 決裂／故障 and （機の）カム to live with us. My husband Ed and I supported him during mental illness. 結局, Tom 改善するd ― and now has a partner and a house.

By then my 関係 with my ex was good. Then last year （機の）カム the phone call to say Will had passed away suddenly 夜通し.

Tom, now 41, has 設立する this incredibly hard. We’ve 示唆するd counselling; I’ve told him I’m here and love him. But I developed a feeling he had a real problem with Ed. His partner 示唆するd as much.

I recently visited, told him how lovely it was to see them both, then asked: ‘Do you have a problem with Ed?’ It all （機の）カム out: he can’t be in the same room with him.

He seems to think that if 29 years ago Will and I had stayed together, I may have been able to save him. He 示唆するd my husband would be pleased Will is dead. Ed is a very gentle caring man, but maybe Tom knows something about Ed that I don’t.

Do I tell Ed, about the 状況／情勢 ― since Tom says he now won’t see him?

I have no excuse for に引き続いて my heart and leaving my children ― and 推定する／予想する you to give me a blunt comment about that.

But, in the end, Will and I did get on, although we were both lost after the death of our eldest son.

I love my husband and need advice on how to 扱う this 状況／情勢.

PAM ELA?

This week Bel advises a woman who left her husband and three sons and 25 years ago and is still 疫病／悩ますd by 犯罪?

Your 初めの letter was much longer, with 詳細（に述べる）s I won’t print ーするために 保護する your family.

You 推定する／予想する me to 裁判官 you 厳しく for leaving your three boys, but I’ll just make the point that there are always consequences.

Our most 劇の life-決定／判定勝ち（する）s reverberate for ever; you’re perfectly aware that the long-称する，呼ぶ／期間／用語 影響s of your 熱烈な love 事件／事情／状勢 are still 存在 felt, 29 years on.

You are now caught between your feelings for the lover you married and your love for your youngest son ― just as you were when Tom was 12 and had to be told that Mum’s 捕らえる、獲得するs were packed and she wasn’t coming 支援する. The three boys then had to 耐える their father Will’s bitterness for years. A 激しい 重荷（を負わせる） indeed.

You have borne 永久の 犯罪, 観察するd your youngest son’s problems 広げる over the years, and 耐えるd the terrible agony of your eldest son’s death, which left two children fatherless. I 推定する／予想する there have been times when you have thought yourself ‘punished’ for leaving your family. Such thoughts are 必然的な ― and cruel.

But when Tom had his 決裂／故障, he （機の）カム to you. With Ed, you cared for him. Your middle son loved you enough to choose to live with you a year after you left.

No more ‘blunt comments’ are coming from me, Pamela.

What to do? Tom seems to have sown seeds of 疑問 about Ed in your mind, which feel 不公平な.

Yes, he 非難するs his stepfather for seducing you away from your family, still resents you for leaving, and im agines (with a degree of desperation) that had you remained at home, then his Dad wouldn’t have died suddenly. But he is still grieving and the only way he can make sense of his feelings is to 激しく打ちのめす at you and Ed, 持つ／拘留するing you 責任がある his father’s death.

It’s terribly sad and you have no choice but to explain it all to your husband and try to help him through the 傷つける he will 必然的に feel.

I wouldn’t try to 軍隊 Tom to visit you or 主張する Ed …を伴ってs you there. It’s too soon.

But you can visit Tom and his partner alone (肉親，親類d Ed can hardly 反対する) and use the visit(s) to talk through everything, and make sure his partner understands that in time it will be good for Tom (never mind for you) to 傷をいやす／和解させる this sad 不和.

Will’s death will almost certainly have opened in Tom the 負傷させるs of his brother’s death, too, but grief does change over time.

Be 患者 with him, work に向かって 仲直り and forgiveness ― and you can do much to 傷をいやす／和解させる your own heart along the way.

Are my husband and friend having an 事件／事情／状勢?

Dear Bel,

My husband and I have been married for 20 years, together for 22 ― my third marriage, his second. At 67, he’s eight years younger. Over ten years ago, I worked at an evening theatre event which my husband and my friend Sally were …に出席するing.

We agreed he’d 減少（する） her home and I’d make my own way as I had to help （疑いを）晴らす up. When I arrived home, he wasn’t 支援する, but arrived soon afterwards. When I asked what kept him, he said: ‘We didn’t leave until x o’clock and then I dropped Sally off.’ But I’d spotted them leaving 90 minutes earlier than he said.

I’ve always wondered if anything happened. He often pops out for something or other (like DIY), 説 he won’t be long. When it turns into two hours or more, I wonder if he’s dropped in on Sally, who lives alone.

We no longer have a sex life, but get on 井戸／弁護士席. Now this 問題／発行する is eating me up. My husband’s not a confider and I wouldn’t 信用 my ‘friend’ to tell me the truth. How do I broach this after burying it for so long? I can’t 残り／休憩（する）.

MARY?

Why now? What’s 誘発するd this new angst? Why is Sally your friend . . . and then your ‘friend’? If you had been really 怪しげな at the time, you certainly would have asked why he dawdled and then lied.

許す me, but there’s something やめる 半端物 about this new obsession. Is it just possible that you are turning a light-hearted flirtation into a 十分な-on 事件／事情／状勢?

But suppose you are 権利 and something did happen that night, after the theatre event? If you read my reply to ‘Helen’ (権利), you’ll realise I’m a 広大な／多数の／重要な 信奉者 in keeping what’s past past and left 井戸／弁護士席 alone ― unless it’s 廃虚ing the 現在の. Which suddenly you’re 許すing it to do. Supposing your husband and your friend had a tipsy kiss that night ten years ago? Does it 事柄 now?

Maybe you two were going through a bad patch and he felt like unburdening himself. No big 罪，犯罪.

But if he really has been having an 事件／事情／状勢 with your friend for ten years, that’s a very different 問題／発行する. You could ask Sally’s advice, confiding in her that you think he is seeing somebody and what should you do? Her 返答 might be inte 残り／休憩（する）ing.

Or (of course) be resolute and ask him 完全な. Above all, ask yourself what will be the best 結果 for your marriage and for your own 井戸／弁護士席-存在.?

I think?I’ve 設立する my father’s love child online

Dear Bel,

Both my parents were serial philanderers. My late mother always believed that a friend’s daughter was my dad’s child.

The married lady had trouble conceiving, but became 妊娠している when Mum thought Dad was seeing her.

Now in her 50s, the daughter, Diane, has come up on my Facebook 料金d. With both parents dead, she lives in the 明言する／公表するs. My father, at 88, is still alive in a care home. Diane is the image of him!

She may have had a very happy childhood, so I’d never want to destroy happy memories.

I’d want to know my real dad and I’d hate to discover the truth when it’s too late. What should I do?

HELEN

Two questions about the past today leave me wondering if we 過大評価する the value of ‘the truth’.

Do some people 主張する on telling what they call ‘the truth’, knowing they will （打撃，刑罰などを）与える 傷つける on others?

It’s intriguing to know 正確に／まさに why this stranger has just popped up on your Facebook 料金d.

Were you searching for her, to delve into an old family secret? I don’t believe you can tel l from a photograph that she 現実に is your father’s child. Nor do I think any good can come from her knowing that her late mother was unfaithful to the man she called dad all her life.

If you 明らかにする／漏らす your 疑惑, you will surely make this woman unhappy.

Do you really want her to cross the 大西洋 to visit your frail father, or would this be a way of punishing him for his transgressions? I think you need to be scrupulously honest about your 動機づけ before you decide what to do.

If it were me, I would keep 静かな.

And finally... Bask in the joy of past summers

Each night we’ve lit our woodburner and I’ve given thanks for my treasured stash of cashmere jumpers (some やめる moth-eaten, so I’m glad I learned darning at my Nan’s 膝).

Friends are bewailing ‘the coldest May ever’ ― yet the centuries-old 知恵 of ‘Ne’er cast a clout till May be out’ 証明するs that this 恐らく merry month has often been 極端に chilly. My summer ‘clouts’ are still in the bed-base but may be dug out next week.

In the 合間, as I 令状 this, I’m 冷淡な and fed up. Yes, yes, I know I’m always advising coming to 条件 with events and making the best of things. But it’s hard いつかs.

By contrast, do you remember last year? It’s as if the malevolent 運命／宿命 that dealt us all the horrible 罰 of Covid relented a bit and 供給するd wonderful 天候, just so that we could experience our 孤独, longing and 恐れる in balmy gardens or parks.

I’m 召喚するing up the memory in a 決定するd 成果／努力 to count my blessings, because the sun did make lockdown easier to 耐える. But I’m not really 納得させるing myself.

The last time we went away was May 2019 and (for さまざまな 推論する／理由s) there will be no holiday this year either ― except (hopefully) a few days 調査するing Kent in September.

I feel wistful to think of lovely holidays in フラン and Italy when the children were younger, the fuchsia hedges of Ireland, adventures on Devon’s River Dart, the open landscape of America, the Rhine . . .

And その上の 支援する to the 1950s, England’s wonderful north-west coast with sand dunes begging to be rolled 負かす／撃墜する as we shrieked with laughter. Mum’s delicious ham 挟むs. Fish ’n’ 半導体素子s in Blackpool. Buckets and spades and penny-slot machines on the pier.

There . . . I’ve managed to 元気づける myself up! Instead of feeling 暗い／優うつな (it’s raining again as I 令状), I’ve 召喚するd up the Ghost of Summers Past and basked in her jollity. Let’s raise a 希望に満ちた glass to June.

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