Is my moustache a turn on or a turn off? SIMON MILLS tries to pull one off after a lifetime of 存在 clean shaven

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'Have you met my German porn-星／主役にする boyfriend?,' she says, casually, introducing me to the room. As I 調査する the collection of friends and strangers, I notice that I'm getting 注目する，もくろむ-to-moustache 接触する with every person I 遭遇（する）. The men smirk their gleefully pitying 不賛成. ('Mate. One of your eyebrows has slipped.')

The women ちらりと見ること with amusement and 疑惑, stifling giggles. Children seem, 率直に, a bit 脅すd.

Why am I exposing myself to this ridicule? Because moustaches are having a moment. 'Jude 法律's moustache is doing things to people,' 発表するd GQ when the actor 明かすd his. Ewan McGregor is be-tached, as are Pedro Pascal and Danny Dyer.

The main event of 最近の weeks, however, has been the 申し込む／申し出ing from hunky actor Aidan Turner with a fulsome Lasso-esque/Saddam-ish tache grown 特に for his 役割 in a TV adaptation of Jilly Cooper's 調書をとる／予約する 競争相手s, about polo players.

Cue women swooning and 表明するing a?願望（する） to ride bareback with Turner and his moustache. 'There is,' says actress Isla Fisher, 'nothing sexier than a handlebar moustache.'

Once the 保存する of retired army majors, old men working the allotments and Australian cricketers, 61 per cent of men between 18 and 39 in the UK now 収容する／認める they have some form of facial hair, compared to 43 per cent 支援する in 2011. 十分な-直面する 耐えるd, 流行の／上流の の中で the hipsters for over a １０年間, are 存在 shaved off to leave the more subtle 最高の，を越す-lip 'tache. Rich and successful moustache 無所属の政治家s such as Henry Cavill and Miles Teller in the 最高の，を越す Gun reboot are たびたび（訪れる） celebrity 言及／関連s.

I, however, have not やめる 達成するd the level of Robert Redford/Sundance Kid handsome horticulture that I was 目的（とする）ing for during the past f ortnight of 冷淡な-turkey Bic-avoidance and careful moustache 養育するing.

Instead, my little copse of stubble ? a multi-directional grey/blond toothbrush of an affectation ? is getting me mistaken for?an older and Teutonic adult movie actor.

There are その上の bushy and manifold 推論する／理由s for this man not to grow a moustache. Firstly, I am sure that a handlebar, pencil or 十分な-on walrus 最高の，を越す-lip tonsure will be cruelly ageing. No problem for a youngster, but a man entering his September must watch for any controllables that pile on the years ? cufflinks and corduroys, crow's feet and sausage fingers.

Also, manicured facial hair. This can easily 追加する a １０年間 when wrapped around the wrong mouth and sprouting in all directions in several incorrect shades of silver.

There's a 質 問題／発行する, too. Even in the throes of crusty middle age, my 耐えるd follicles remain slow-growing and coarse, with the unlovely texture of tennis-ゆすり catgut.

They are also inconsistently dark/grey, and grimly ill-defining in?all the wrong ways. Clean shaven, I can pass for almost respectable and happy-ish. Grow a stubbly 耐えるd and I look old, jowly, droopy 直面するd and ornery, like a grumpy Santa.

Then there's the nose. Already 相当な and attention-grabbing enough, thank you very much, it certainly doesn't need any を強調するing. I also worry that food ? pasta sauce, noodles, crumbs, gravy, etc ? will get caught in it, or that I may be mistaken for Lars, the Swedish drummer in a forgotten 激しい metal 禁止（する）d from the 1980s. Or someone who 運動s a bus for a living… during the 1970s.

Certainly, there are men who can 激しく揺する a 'tache with style, gusto and ?lan: Clark Gable in The Misfits, Brad Pitt for Inglourious Basterds, Daniel Day 吊りくさび in ギャング（団）s of New York and Tom Selleck as your mum's favourite Hawaiian 探偵，刑事 Magnum PI. Even the timeless style maven Bryan フェリー（で運ぶ） had a 黒人／ボイコット wisp of capillary decoration during his Jerry Hall-dating 'Let's Stick Together' period. But for every dishy Brad and Bryan, there's a Borat and a Hulk Hogan. Saddam Hussein, Stalin and Hitler.

'Taches, I'd always thought, にもかかわらず their 人気 の中で despots and 独裁者s, were not serious 従犯者s, carrying with their waxed ends and hairy curtains a whiff of comedy and the 可能性のある for ridicule. Yes, I know Einstein and Confucius both sported them, but so did Ted Lasso, Groucho Marx, the 118 telly-広告 joggers and those 泡-permed scousers ('静める 負かす／撃墜する, 静める 負かす／撃墜する') that Harry Enfield used to lampoon on his TV show.

Grow a 耐えるd and you become bookish and mysterious, rugged and outdoorsy; an explorer, a thinker, an artisan… a hipster, even. Cultivate a furry outcrop 排他的に above one's Cupid's 屈服する and you are, 即時に, a bit of a self-important twerp, 権利?

That said, in the Middle East, during the almost seven centuries of the Ottoman period, the moustache was considered a 調印する of glamour and high social status ? the logic 存在 that men who had the 高級な of enough spare time to …に出席する to their facial hair must be 井戸／弁護士席 off and 栄えるing. There was 知識人 協会 also ? the bigger the 'tache, the more learned and knowledgeable the man. Ergo 示す Twain, Salvador Dal? and Friedrich Nietzsche.

During the late 17th century, Peter the 広大な／多数の／重要な 問題／発行するd a '耐えるd 税金' on the ロシアの 全住民, 原因（となる）ing a spike in moustache fashion. By the 早期に 1800s the vogue was for flamboyantly curled styles like Lord Byron's mad, bad and dangerous to 一打／打撃 curly pencil 'tache.?

Between the years 1860 and 1916 the British Army's uniform 規則 規定するd that every man must grow a moustache; 命令（する） No 1,695 of the King's 規則s 明言する／公表するing that 'hair of the 長，率いる will be kept short. The chin and the under lip will be shaved, but not the upper lip.' If a 兵士 were to shave his 'tache he 直面するd disciplinary 活動／戦闘 which could 含む 監禁，拘置. The 支配する 証明するd difficult to 施行する during the First World War when 兵士s discovered that life-saving gas masks wouldn't work 適切に on a whiskered 直面する.

Around the Second World War, Errol Flynn swashbuckled the moustache to 頂点（に達する） 人気, with Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck and co trying to emulate the matin?e-idol look into the 1980s. 存在 an 80s kid myself, I decided on my 'tache type: actor Nick Nolte in his blond and beefy 1980s prime. But as it gestates and develops over an embarrassingly long and unmasculine two-and-a-half-week period, I see that noughties primetime TV Nick Knowles is where I'm 長，率いるing.

My girlfriend likes it. (But still laughs every time she sees it.) I hate it. It's silly and itchy and gets 霜d with Colgate every time I clean my teeth. The 誘惑 to Gillette the thing out of its 悲惨 is strong. The failed 'Nolte'/hairy horseshoe 結局 gets its first 遠出 at the office I 株 with a team of ten 同僚s. I arrive a bit late to find all desks 占領するd and I notice that, as I search for a 議長，司会を務める and spare computer 終点, a 手渡す is covering the 底（に届く） half of my 直面する, as if I am trying to 妨げる a nonexistent lip-reader from doing his work. Yes, I am in 'tache shame.

Then, the first sighting. A woman opposite, in her 中央の-20s, suddenly looks up and clocks my lip foliage.

'What on earth is that thing on your 直面する?' she says, her own in rictus 普通は reserved for sour-tasting food.

I don't think I can count this as a compliment or any 肉親，親類d of 裏書，是認, but it is, as many moustache wearers before me have 設立する, a 限定された ice-breaker.

Now all office 注目する，もくろむs are on me. There is tittering. I hear the words 'porn 星／主役にする' more than once. I 決起大会／結集させる and find that the same 手渡す that was hiding my upper lip a few minutes ago is now 一打／打撃ing my moustache in the way that the 広大な／多数の／重要な Leslie Phillips used to do in his Carry On heyday.

The 誘惑 to 迎える／歓迎する women at the coffee machine with a Phillipsian 'hell-O' or 'ding-dong' is 圧倒的な.

As the days play out, I find that evenings are tricky. My 着せる／賦与するs have to be moustache friendly ? more formal than casual, a 控訴 or a blazer, if I don't want to look like a Harry Enfield scouser sort in 解雇する／砲火／射撃-危険 sportswear. I also notice that kissed greetings are thin on the ground, with any women coming の近くに enough for a つつく／ペック having to 危険 an 行為／法令／行動する of hirsutism as rough moustache hair 略奪するs fair 肌.

Then, a woman I hardly know tells me that I look 'like a Viking'. I am flattered. 'I'm shaving it off in the morning,' I say, 一打／打撃ing it thoughtfully. 'Maybe.'