Fifty Shades? What an anti-最高潮! Yesterday, the Mail's Jan Moir told how this year's most hyped film left her 冷淡な. So would this racy tale of sex and seduction excite our MALE film critic BRIAN VINER? Er... no

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Fifty Shades of Grey (18)

判決: Disappointingly limp

率ing:

Finally, shudderingly, it has arrived, just in time for Valentine’s Day. But if you’re after a sweetly poignant romance as a cinematic 扱う／治療する this 週末, try Love Is Strange, about an ageing gay couple.

Fifty Shades of Grey, of course, has nothing to do with love. Does it 従う, though, with what virginal student Anastasia Steele says in the preposterously popular source novel, about her kinky 関係 with mega-mogul Christian Grey: ‘This is wrong, but 宗教上の hell is it erotic’?

Not for me. Fifty Shades was a silly 調書をとる／予約する and this is a silly film. Which is a shame, because I hoped British director Sam Taylor-Johnson, whose only previous feature was the wonderful Nowhere Boy, about the young John Lennon, might make a better 握りこぶし of E.L. James’ overwrought story of 性の deviancy in (a most assuredly sleepless) Seattle.

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The two main 星／主役にするs - and Dakota: Johnson’s breasts should probably have their own credits in a tame film 見解／翻訳／版 of Fifty Shades of Grey, 令状s Brian

Instead, it is ropey in more ways than one. But 宗教上の hell, is it going to do 井戸／弁護士席 at the box office!

?I saw it in Berlin on Wednesday afternoon, where it was 明かすd as part of the Berlin Film festival, and tried to park my cynicism under my seat.

But I kept on asking myself; what if this daft story, trite 対話 and uneven 事実上の／代理 were not 大（公）使館員d to a runaway mammoth 攻撃する，衝突する ― the 初めの 調書をとる／予約する that became such an 驚くべき／特命の／臨時の 全世界の bestseller? Would anyone be remotely 利益／興味d in it? The answer, of course, is no.

Mercifully for the distributors, however, the 調書をとる／予約する’s 評判 に先行するs the film into every multiplex, trumpets blaring.

And if your audience is anything like 地雷, then すぐに after he and Ana (Dakota Johnson) have met, when Christian (Jamie Dornan) says, ‘I 演習 支配（する）／統制する in all things, 行方不明になる Steele’, I can almost 保証（人） a dirty (male) laugh somewhere in the audience.?

It's 拷問: Dakota Johnson as Anastasia 'Ana' Steele and Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey

Stripping off: Fifty Shades was a silly 調書をとる／予約する and this is a silly film, 令状s the reviewer

Bad lay: Fifty Shades is ropey in more ways than one. But 宗教上の hell, is it going to do 井戸／弁護士席 at the box office!

This will 必然的に be followed by a (女性（の）) titter after she has asked him what he does in his spare time. ‘I enjoy . . . さまざまな physical 追跡s,’ he replies.

Christian has a lot of spare time. How he has amassed a billion-dollar fortune with all its sleek trappings is a mystery, although we know how he keeps it, because once or twice he shouts Alan Sugary things into a telephone, such as: ‘Tell them I don’t have 24 hours!’

But his main 占領／職業, this high-flyer on all the world’s 在庫／株 交流s, is playing FTSE under the （米）棚上げする／（英）提議する with Ana.?

And then 株ing with her his predilection for sadism and bondage.

There is some 楽しみ まっただ中に all the 苦痛. Johnson plays Ana 勝利，勝つ ningly and seems to have 相続するd from her grandma, Tippi Hedren, an ability to look serenely beautiful even when her character is under attack.

In Hedren’s 事例／患者, that was most famously by malevolent seagulls in Alfred Hitchock’s 1963 film The Birds.

?In Johnson’s, it is by the man who likes to play the ‘支配的な’ to her ‘submissive’.

As Christian, does the Northern Irishman, Dornan, pull it off??He pulls plenty off, as it happens, but not, 式のs, the part itself.?

For a 27-year-old 億万長者 with a hinterland 恐らく about the size of Yellowstone 国家の Park, Christian is strangely uncharismatic.

Grey by 指名する, grey by personality. And for a 献身的な sadist he has an 半端物 way with a whip, as if gently swatting a bluebottle that has errantly settled on Ana’s 底（に届く）.?

VIDEO

裁判官 for yourself: All of the Fifty Shades movie clips 解放（する）d

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• Watch ビデオ
  First sex scene teased in new 50 Shades of Grey trailer
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  Christian shows Ana his playroom in NEW 50 Shades clip
• Watch ビデオ
  NEW iconic interview scene from Fifty Shades of Grey
• Watch ビデオ
  Ana sells Christian cable 関係 in Fifty Shades of Grey teaser
• Watch ビデオ
  Ana wakes in Christian's bed in steamy NEW Fifty Shades clip

堅い 職業: British director Sam Taylor-Johnson and her husband Aaron Taylor-Johnson arrive for the 審査 of 'Fifty Shades of Grey' during the 65th 年次の Berlin Film Festival on Wednesday night

In 支配（する）／統制する: British screenwriter Patrick Marber was 草案d in to beef up the script, then E.L. James, pictured with Dakota Johnson and Sam Taylor-Johnson, threw out all his work and reinserted her own 対話

'No chemistry': Johnson and Dornan's on-審査する 活動／戦闘 has been 非難するd across the world

Until the last few minutes, for her if not for us, all is pretty much painless in Seattle. If you want to know what 性の deviancy is really all about, see Lars 出身の Triers’ 乱すing 2013 film Nymphomaniac.

Between them, Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel have 行方不明になるd too many tricks.?

The story might be all about Christian and Ana, the prince and his plaything, but even so, the marvellous Marcia Gay Harden and Jennifer Ehle are woefully under-used as their 各々の mothers.

And for a film about one man’s strange sexuality, the camera is absurdly coy around Dornan, who doesn’t seem to have any genitals at all. Johnson’s breasts, by contrast, should probably have their own credits.

Will those who loved the 調書をとる／予約する enjoy the film? It’s nothing like as explicit, so maybe not. On the other 手渡す, Marcel hasn’t gussied up the 初めの 対話 too much, so it’s there to be savoured in all its risible glory.

The picture certainly looks stylish enough, rather like a two-hour car 商業の with tasteful nudity.

On the whole, though ― and don’t tell the people 列ing 一連の会議、交渉／完成する the 封鎖する ― it really is nothing to get excited about.?