That's enough Screamin' kids

There are so many ways for fans to irritate the 星／主役にするs. You could 令状 to Noel Edmonds, 説 you're his number one fan and asking him if he'd like to open a supermarket (he'll say, "yes," その結果 you can tell him it's your Eight Till Late 蓄える／店, and you'd like him to open it every morning for a fortnight, while you're on holiday).

Or you could beg Dale Winton for a 調印するd photo, and thoughtfully enclose an sae (he'll never 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う, as he licks the flap, that you've coated it with a powerful laxative - childish, but somehow fitting).

Or you could ask Thora Hird if you can form an "公式の／役人" fan club, and once she's given 許可 (which she will), 調書をとる／予約する a 会議／協議会 in a 最高の，を越す hotel, 調印する up the 地元の 一時期／支部 of the Hell's Angels to join, encourage them to 粉砕する the place up, and leave Dame Thora to try and explain away the behaviour of her "fans" to the 圧力（をかける）.

Proof that there's something 高度に 疑わしい about fan club 長官s was inadvertently 供給するd by Maral Nigolian on last night's Cutting 辛勝する／優位.

As number one fan and self-布告するd "公式の／役人" 伝記作家 of Screamin' Jay Hawkins, her waking hours have long been 充てるd to the career of a 完全に 無謀な and feckless man, while her jayskids.com website has given her a brand new raison d'?tre since the death of her idol in February last year.

Second-率 singer and songwriter he may have been, but he was a first-class fornicator (or words to that 影響), spawning multitudes of 非合法の children throughout the 部隊d 明言する／公表するs, and Maral 主張するs that it was a "dying man's wish" for her to 接触する them all, and bring them together for an evening (preferably with a gullible TV company 地盤 the 法案).

Which is what she spent the next tedious hour trying to do, although after 審理，公聴会 from 得点する／非難する／２０s of fortysomethings who'd been born out of wedlock, it turned out that by far the biggest bastard of all was Jay.

Within minutes, it was obvious that Maral 緊急に needed to go to a life shop and get herself one while 在庫／株s last, and that Hawkins had posthumously got 正確に／まさに the fan-club 長官 he deserved.

With morbid conscientiousness (and using （警察などへの）密告，告訴（状） gleaned 経由で the internet), she dutifully planned a 再会 for 57 siblings who'd never 以前 felt the least inclination to get in touch with each other, and whose mothers had anyway mostly been so promiscuous that their children's paternity was 大部分は a 事柄 of conjecture.

Jay had certainly never 表明するd the least 利益／興味 in them, 繰り返して walking away from the results of his congress without 与える／捧げるing a cent toward 維持／整備 ("that's the mother's problem"), and preferring to strut his stuff on 行う／開催する／段階, where he 誇るd: "I'm the coolest man that ever walked the earth." Which may have been true, though his antics did make me realise why more 黒人／ボイコットs died in Vietnam than whites. Why? Because when the sergeant shouted "Get 負かす／撃墜する!" they got up and started dancing.

Although Maral （人命などを）奪う，主張するd to have 位置を示すd 57 of Jay's offspring, only five bothered to turn up for his 記念の party, the total 無関心／冷淡 of the other 52 toward their loathsome father 納得させるing me that there is some honour and 正直さ left in the world after all.

But the hysterical, squealing, self-justificatory "I'm in 苦痛" noises emanating from the quintet who did 会合，会う 原因（となる）d the phrase, "would the psychotic 条約 please move next door?" to pass through my mind, and I began to dream of other performers called Screamin' Jack Hawkins (with his 地位，任命する-tracheotomy 癌 kazoo マイクd up to a 1,000db （衆議院の）議長), or perhaps Screamin' Stephen 強硬派ing, with his electronic 発言する／表明する passed through a fuzz box (and wah-wah pedal その上).

The 推論する／理由 for Maral's obsession with her 仕事 became （疑いを）晴らす at the end, when she sadistically turned the Surprise Surprise party into a wake, by playing a ビデオ clip of Jay which made the children (含むing his 合法的 daughters Sookie a nd Irene) feel even いっそう少なく special than they had before. "Yeah, there might be 50 or 60, or 75," he reminisced, "or there might be more, 'cos I don't know about the abortions and the miscarriages."

This is Cutting 辛勝する／優位? No, sorry, it can't be. Cutting 辛勝する／優位 is innovative, intelligently-建設するd, and 井戸／弁護士席-edited, 反して this 辛勝する／優位 was blunt and dull, nothing more than a slow-燃やす reworking of the Jerry Springer people-trash 判型 with a gratuitous pseudo-biographical 新たな展開.

Why anyone, least of all a British 生産／産物 company (October Films), should be making a 文書の on such a slender and unsatisfying 前提 is hard to fathom (or "hard to 1.829 metres", as we say nowadays), 特に as Mr Hawkins 確認するd his status as an unmitigated shit by leaving his 合法的 children $1 each in his will.

Still, I suppose he 人物／姿／数字d that he'd already done more than enough for them when they were little, by walking out on them, and giving them コンビナート／複合体s that would last a lifetime.

Hey parents, why not give your children Ronco Mental 封鎖するs this Christmas?

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