Transformers 3: Oh Rosie, it's pants!

The last Transformers blockbuster made more than £520?million at the box office, but not even the people who made it thought it was any good.

The film’s director, Michael Bay, who 促進するd it tirelessly on 解放（する）, 認める two years later that it was ‘c**p’. The movie’s 星／主役にする, Shia LaBoeuf, also 自白するd he ‘hated’ it, 追加するing: ‘I couldn’t decipher what was happening.’

Those opinions were echoed at Hollywood’s Razzie awards, where Transformers 2 ‘won’ for worst picture, director and screenplay.

活動／戦闘 packed: The new Transformers film is 負担d with 非，不，無-stop 活動／戦闘 a nd 暴力／激しさ - but the 事実上の／代理 leaves a lot to be 願望（する）d

So first, the good news. Transformers 3 is the most technically 前進するd of the trilogy. Bay has done an impressive 職業 of 統合するing humans with みごたえのある special 影響s; at times they even interact.

3D is used in a more sophisticated way than in most 最近の blockbusters. The final hour is a 非，不，無-stop orgy of 活動／戦闘, 爆発s and 破壊 (Chicago? is 破壊するd).

One sequence where a gigantic mechanical octopus thingy obliterates an office building, 完全にする with people, is skilfully 発射 and edited.

While we’re accentuating the 肯定的なs, this film even has a story. It turns out that the Sixties space race between Russia and America （機の）カム about because both countries were competing to find an Autobot 宇宙船 that had 衝突，墜落-landed on the dark 味方する of the Moon.

Forty years on, the Autobots (good, freedom-loving 巨大（な） robots who love humans) are about to be betrayed by the world’s 政治家，政治屋s, 主要な to an 外国人 侵略 of Earth by Decepticons ― tyranny-loving robots who wish to enslave us.

Rosie's big break: Unfortunately, 行方不明になる Huntington-Whiteley's 業績／成果 makes her 前任者 Megan Fox look Shakespearean by comparison

Of course, the only people who can stop them are the good old U.S. 軍の and our pal Sam Witwicky, with Shia LaBoeuf once again trying to work out wh at’s going on.

Sam has left Princeton, where he was arguably the world’s least believable 天文学者-physicist. Maybe it’s because he continues to give no 証拠 of cranial activity, にもかかわらず having saved the world twice and received a メダル of honour from Barack Obama, that he can’t find 雇用.

This means that his perpetually annoying parents think he’s a 失敗, evidently 保持するing no memory of the previous two movies in which they appeared. Sam, though surly, short and shouty, has a new, much taller, supernaturally hot girlfriend, whose 職業 is to be leered at by every male in the movie, 特に the カメラマン.

Untransformed: Shia LaBeouf returns for a third 遠出, still as surly and shouty as ever, but Rosie's a taller and blonder love 利益／興味

Megan Fox, who showed in the first two movies an unsurpassed talent for running in slo-mo from 爆発するing fireballs, was 雇うd to re-論証する her jiggling 技術s but 解雇する／砲火／射撃d when she compared Michael Bay to Adolf Hitler.

With a world 十分な of actresses to choose from, Mr Bay has 選ぶd to 取って代わる Ms Fox with an English lingerie model 指名するd Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who had no 事実上の／代理 experience 事前の to the film, and now has even いっそう少なく. With only one 表現, a vapid pout, she 配達するs the most 木造の line-readings of any British actress since Elizabeth Hurley so memorably impersonated Satan in Bedazzled.

Indeed, it is scarcely an exaggeration to say that, hopeless though Fox was in the first two movies, compared to Ms Huntington-Whiteley she is Dame Judi Dench.

But no one who paid money to watch Transformers 1 and 2 and is coming 支援する for more is likely to care that it features atrocious 業績／成果s and the most embarrassingly pathetic 試みる／企てるs at comedy of any blockbuster ever, or that it’s punishingly long at two-and-a-half hours, or that it’s 頭痛-inducing both visually and aurally.

The audience for this 肉親，親類d of movie ― and it’s a 広大な one ― will thrill to its sadistically over-延長するd adolescent fantasies about awesome fighting robots and square-jawed 兵士s blowing stuff up real good.

And let’s not forget 急速な／放蕩な cars and hot babes. The ethos is perfectly 逮捕（する）d in a scene where Ms Huntington-Whiteley 提起する／ポーズをとるs next to a classic car, and the camera 調査するs her 団体／死体 while another character waxes lyrical about the curves of the chassis. It’s a high-tech Benny Hill Show, minus the laughs.

Director Bay traces his fascination with 活動／戦闘 films to an 出来事/事件 during his childhood. As a boy, he 大（公）使館員d 花火s to a toy train and filmed the 続いて起こるing cataclysm with his mother’s 8mm camera. Firemen were called and he was grounded.

There are times during Transformers 3 when it still seems to be the work of a six-year-old pyromaniac, obsessed with 抱擁する diggers and gigantic トラックで運ぶs. Now he is in his 40s, it’s a pity that Bay is too old to be grounded for needless noisiness, exhausting repetition and 執拗な moral idiocy.

Once again, he finds 侵略, 殺人，大当り and 破壊 exhilarating, 扱う／治療するs women as トロフィーs, and glorifies war in a gung-売春婦 祝賀 of ‘shock and awe’ firepower. Humans aren’t 扱う／治療するd as flesh and 血, with minds, personalities and characters that develop; they’re posable, 使い捨てできる 活動／戦闘 人物／姿／数字s.

Hey, lighten up, I hear some of you cry. It’s only a movie. You shouldn’t analyse a film that’s meant to be mindless summer entertainment. It’s all 害のない fun. Is it?