BEL MOONEY: After the death of my mum, will I ever be the old me again?

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Dear Bel,

I'm 猛烈に treading water, though working hard looking after everyone else and pretending everything is 罰金. My mother died 18 months ago. She'd been struggling with her health for the past few years but the 癌 diagnosis （機の）カム out of nowhere and even when she was 認める to hospital, 非，不，無 of us 推定する／予想するd her not to return home.

Four days later ― a short time after learning the 癌 had spread ― she の近くにd her 注目する，もくろむs, as if she'd given up.

My father is struggling. He's lonely and it's heartbreaking to see this once-strong and 独立した・無所属 man a 影をつくる／尾行する of his former self. He has little 利益／興味 in going out, 会合 new people, finding new 利益／興味s ― he always seems to find an excuse as to why he can't go. I'm at a loss.

I visit 定期的に and he comes to our home, but いつかs I feel he's not really listening. He's no longer really 'there' and it's so difficult to keep that smile on my 直面する and 行為／法令／行動する like I'm 承認する when I'm desperate to have my old dad 支援する. He won't see a doctor ― he'd never 収容する／認める he's depressed. Now I feel I've lost both parents.

Mum has already 行方不明になるd milestone birthdays and a 重要な 周年記念日, e xam results and a 卒業; it breaks my heart that she'll also 行方不明になる my approaching big birthday. Yet I smile, 焦点（を合わせる） on everyone else, cry in the 不明瞭.

I have a 十分な-time 職業, a husband and two young adult children who are 独立した・無所属, but still need me. They all idolised mum, too, and understand when I am a little teary.

But I feel the outside world thinks I should be getting on with life after 18 months.

Only those who have lost a mum 'get' it. I'm a different person these days.

There's the old me ― with a mum and dad, a loving family and hopes and dreams.

Now I'm still that person but different. Can I ever be the old me again? Or can I 再構築する the new me?

Theresa

Bel Mooney replies: Let's look at it this way. When your life is stressful on so many levels, when the 成果／努力 of keeping that smile on your 直面する is いつかs 圧倒的な, and when you know the loss of those you have dearly loved will always be with you ― 井戸／弁護士席, Theresa, we are 許すd to give in to our own vulnerability. This is important. You have enough to 競う with without 追加するing any 層 of 犯罪 to your life.

Yet you seem stuck in a cycle of anxious self-recrimination ― starting perhaps with the feeling I got, from your uncut letter, that you think you should have noticed the 真面目さ of your mother's 条件.

I 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う you kept willing her into health long past the point when it was too late. But that's not your fault. Reality is very hard to 耐える. I have kn own many people to cry, 'If only I'd known' when in truth they were only 存在 human in turning away from their worst 恐れるs.

Is there a danger that you are 類似して in 否定 about your father's 条件? No, he is not 'depressed' and no doctor would have a cure for him. He is grieving for your mother, just as you are, and has no wish to go out, 会合，会う new people, find new 利益／興味s. Why should he ― when his memories are so much more important?

He's still your dad; you're still his daughter and you are 部隊d in grief and love. You've not 'lost' him, but I 恐れる 井戸／弁護士席-meaning 試みる／企てるs to jolly him along will 傷つける both of you. The （死が）奪い去るd need all the time they wish for (perhaps the 残り／休憩（する） of their lives) to 嘆く／悼む. Let him talk about your mum and don't try to change the 支配する, even if it makes you cry. Learn to be 静かな with him; not smiling but 静める, and let him know you understand.

Does the world think you should have moved on by now? Some people will, some people won't, and you don't have to be 嘆く／悼むing a beloved parent to 'get' it. What's needed is empathy, and it's frequently in short 供給（する）.

So you need to be bolder in challenging the 'move on' 見解（をとる）. If somebody asks how you are, just say, '井戸／弁護士席, of course, I'm still 行方不明の my mother.'

No need to apologise. No need to try to become that strong, smiling person who tells fibs. Just as you must let your father be the sadder person he is today, so you must 許す yourself to be changed by one of the most powerful emotions known to humankind.

The old and the new 'you' are one and the same, loving, grieving and living the new life as best you can for the sake of your beloved mother, 同様に as for all the living. Please try to 受託する that with no more struggle.

The other day, as ever, I was sorting out piles of 調書をとる／予約するs. Something made me open The Oxford 調書をとる／予約する Of The Supernatural which I remembered giving to my father years ago. With a shock I read words he must have written in his last year of life. 'For Bel With all my love always, Dad. See ― I told you I would always be there for you.' What else could I do but say aloud, 'Yes, Dad, and so you are'?

I often speak to my mother, too, usually with a smile as I remember a foible. Why not, since the dead are always with us?

I'm anxious whenever I 調書をとる／予約する a holiday 

Dear Bel

As a young adult I 定期的に holidayed abroad with friends. We 株d all 決定／判定勝ち（する）s and 計画（する）s.

When we got together my husband and I went abroad a few times, but since having kids we've been away just once, with our 延長するd family.

Now our sons are 12 and 14 they ask to holiday in different countries. I'd like to let them experience somewhere new ― the heat, the ocean, the food ― and love the idea, for a moment.

But then I become 圧倒するd by inexplicable 恐れる, worrying about the 調書をとる／予約するing and the 出発. It 消費するs me; I'm genuinely afraid.

I'm also aware that I'll be very much in 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金 of everything. So I tell the kids we'll do it next year.

When we travel in this country I'm いっそう少なく anxious, but almost as soon as I've 調書をとる／予約するd a trip, I worry it's a 抱擁する mistake.

We tend to go 支援する to the same familiar places. I'm much more comfortable then, but 平等に wish I wasn't going until we get there. I'm often happy a nd excited once I'm settled.

My father hated holidays and stopped coming, so mum took us away ― always to the same familiar places in this country.

I don't want to be a 障壁 to my kids experiencing the joys of travel. How can I get over this?

I want to feel the excitement of 調書をとる／予約するing somewhere special, and the months of pleasurable 予期 ― like everyone else. What can I do to put this into 視野 and get that longed-for holiday abroad 調書をとる／予約するd? I'd welcome your thoughts.

Martha

Bel Mooney replies: It will probably surprise you that I 株 many of your feelings. We didn't go away much when I was a child; it wasn't until I was 17 that I left these shores for the 魔法 of Paris.

Later, as a 新聞記者／雑誌記者 I had to 行為／法令／行動する the part, do the 研究 and get the story, whether at home or abroad. Nobody knew I was nervous. But now I never really want to go away at all.

Maybe some of us just become more anxious as we age ― worried about things going wrong and not having the 権利 language 技術s etc. Relaxing at home is 慰安ing. Anyway, my husband has to take 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金 ― and I don't care if that sounds feeble.

But a 重要な question is why can't your husband take 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金, as 地雷 is willing to do? Why would it have to be you, 'very much in 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金 of everything'?

I'm sure the families of your sons' friends have wonderful holidays abroad, and it's 理解できる that it makes the boys wistful or plain jealous. But next year they will be old enough to take an active 役割 in deciding 選択s and planning, and if I were you I'd encourage that.

An 平易な choice might be a holiday in Normandy, where there is so much to see (from the D-Day 上陸s beaches, which are 必須の for schoolchildren, to wonderful little towns) and not so far to travel at all.

Tell them you'll leave the whole thing up to the three of them. If you steer them に向かって a guided trip (check out Leger Holidays and Riviera Travel, for example, but there are plenty) it will be even easier. Small steps first?

Take your mind 支援する once again to when you were young, happy to travel the world with friends. We all change and there's nothing wrong with 受託するing that you won't be that person again. But it will seem like the blink of an 注目する，もくろむ before your sons reach 18 and 20, and they in turn can become 冷静な／正味の young adults backpacking with chums.

I will make two suggestions to you on that 前線. The first is that it might be fun for them to know that as of this year you are tucking away a travel 基金 for them. The sums don't have to be big; it's the idea that counts.

The second suggestion is really more of an 指示／教授／教育! You must 約束 yourself that you will let them go. All parents are bound to worry, but you must not fuss. Just teach them the importance of proper planning ― which takes us 支援する to the thought that they can start very soon.

BEL MOONEY: After the death of my mum, will I ever be the old me again?