I'm jealous of my husband's dead ex-wife - she was rich and I can't match her flamboyant spending: What can I do? VICKY REYNAL replies

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Q: My second marriage is going through a bad patch and it's my fault. My husband is everything you could wish for ? good-looking, fit, and with a 広大な／多数の／重要な sense of humour.?

He sadly lost his first wife to 癌 and she was 素晴らしい, adored by everyone (and don't I hear about it), but for me, worse than that, she （機の）カム from a very 井戸／弁護士席-off family. I'm not jealous of her looks as I know those went at the end.?

Rather I'm jealous of what she was able to bring to the marriage. She splashed out on their first house together, 加える a flat in London. She paid for all the 高級な holidays and cars and 扱う／治療するd my husband to a life that as a 私的な school teacher he could never have afforded.?

Try to distinguish between a 願望（する） to save and a 抵抗 to spending. Which one is the 'obsession'? Vicky Reynal 令状s

We met in the same profession but I have modest means and feel a rather limp, second best wife. I find myself always 選ぶing fights over money and rather than copying her flamboyant spending, hoard what I do have.?

My husband says I'm obsessed with saving and to relax as we are comfortably off but I'm losing sleep over it all.

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I am intrigued by these fights over money ? since money isn't 不十分な from the sounds of it so it would seem like you are 衝突／不一致ing over different 見解（をとる）s on spending.

But I think you are 暗示するing that that's only half the story and that something about your underspending is 関係のある to your husband's first wife. Let's try to unpack that.

First of all, I would try to understand where this 'obsession with saving' is coming from. Have you always been 'careful' with money? Or is it a 最近の 現象, 潜在的に 誘発する／引き起こすd by the fact that you have more money now than you are used to and so adapting to your new spending 力／強力にする feels unnatural and against your instinct to be 用心深い with money?

To analyse it, try to distinguish between a 願望（する） to save and a 抵抗 to spending. Which one is the 'obsession'? Psychologically, they are やめる different, even if 最終的に they result in the same thing, ie: money stays in your account and is not enjoyed.

Thinking of the 願望（する） to save - is it 慰安ing to 持つ／拘留する on to your money, to feel that マリファナ growing? Does it give you a sense of 安全??

Or, thinking of a difficulty spending, is this more about how it feels to use the money you have, to 許す yourself to have things, to indulge like you - or maybe your family ? couldn't in the past?

If you grew up in a family where the 豊富な and 'flamboyant' spenders were criticised, this could 追加する to your 抵抗 to spend.?

If that behaviour was 裁判官d, then even if you have the means to afford 高級な holidays as a couple, you might feel やめる torn about indulging in such a way and a 発言する／表明する in your 長，率いる might be 説 'don't be one of those people'.

If you grew up in a family that prided itself on modesty and 抑制, then that too, might make it difficult to mimic the former wife's spending habits.

Secondly, I wonder how you feel about the money you 株 with your husband. Since you tell me he is a teacher, it sounds like the 財政上の freedom you now have is a result of his former wife's passing (maybe 相続するd money or life 保険 payout).?

I wonder if psychologically it is difficult to enjoy and spend this money as 自由に as if it were coming from a different source. Could it be a sense of 犯罪 stopping you from spending it?

I also ask myself whether this isn't about the money at all, but rather about insecurities 大（公）使館員d to the 関係. What are these arguments 達成するing? Is it your way of unconsciously orchestrating a dynamic in which your husband says, 'it's ok darling, we have enough,' because what you really want to hear from him is 'It's ok darling, you are enough'?

Is the 財政上の 豊富 that you are jealous of just 象徴的な? Maybe you worry that your husband's first wife was a 'better wife' and you are looking for 安心 that you are not 'second-best' and that he is not 不満な with you.

Or is it him you feel 'second best' to? If you see your husband as so 'abundant' (you tell me he has 'everything': 'good-looking, fit, and with a 広大な／多数の／重要な sense of humour'), do you feel he is more する権利を与えるd to the finer things money can buy and you are いっそう少なく deserving of them?

By digging deeper into what is stopping you from enjoying the money you 株 with your husband, you stand a better chance to change your behaviour.

Money on Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your 財政上の Habits by Vicky Reynal is published by Bonnier 調書をとる／予約するs UK and is out this Thursday (9th May). Pre-order from Waterstones now and get £4 off with the code MoneyMind24 at checkout.?