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BEL MOONEY: Should I give up my freedom to be 近づく my grandkids?

By Bel Mooney for the Daily Mail

Published: 00:00 BST, 17 August 2019 | Updated: 00:00 BST, 17 August 2019

e-mail

?Dear Bel,

I’m standing at a 十字路／岐路 wondering which way to go, and would welcome your input.

I’m 64 and have lived in this area for more than 30 years, having raised my three children here.

Thought of the day?

?生き残り, 特に in these difficult times, has to count as some sort of an 業績／成就. It’s not something that comes easily ... But, having done that much, you’re left with the problem of giving it some 目的. After all, what good is health and 安全 if your life has no meaning?

From The Pale 犯罪の by Philip Kerr (British 小説家 1956?2018)

宣伝

Although I live alone, I am never lonely and have plenty friends and social 接触するs.

Since the girls left home, I have enjoyed a life 解放する／自由な from the 圧力s of child 後部ing, and am 感謝する every day for my good health and the independence my car gives me.

My eldest daughter lives 40 miles away and I have 正規の／正選手接触する with her and my granddaughter (now nearly grown up).

My second daughter lives abroad with her three children and I visit them once a year.

My youngest daughter now thinks it would be a 広大な／多数の／重要な idea if I moved 180 miles south to live 近づく her and her husband and their two children, who are six and eight.

She 作品十分な-time and her husband is the main child-carer. He does 転換 work when he can, usually when his parents (who also live away) go to visit them, or when my daughter has a 週末 off. (His parents are 手渡すs-on with the grandchildren in a way that I am not, much as I love them.)

She has 強調d that they are not looking for a ‘nanny’ and wouldn’t take advantage, because she realises I have a 十分な life.

We both understand that I wouldn’t mind having the children, say once a week after school for tea, or 類似の.

I also wouldn’t mind 存在 an 緊急 cover for them.

In 新規加入, she has also made it （疑いを）晴らす that once the children reach 第２位 school age (say in six years or so), should a house mo ve become necessary for them, then they would do this, although they wouldn’t 推定する／予想する that to be more than 20 miles from where they live now.

I have at least a year to think about this as financially I couldn’t go before I retire in the spring of 2021.

I’m tempted to take this step as it’s my last chance to have my grandchildren living の近くに. It’s such a momentous 決定／判定勝ち（する） that I would love to hear your thoughts.

VALERIE

This week Bel advises a grandmother about moving 180 miles to be nearer her daughter and grandchildren, 加える a woman who dreads old age with her husband?

A few weeks ago (July 20), I featured a letter from Hilda headlined ‘I 恐れる uprooting my life for a new man’.

Hilda’s chap (78) was 説得するing her to sell up and move to his place. I counselled against it, for さまざまな推論する／理由s � � and she wrote afterwards to thank me, 説 she knew I was 権利.

Now here’s another question about moving ― and once again I’m unconvinced.

You 現在の a 満足させるing picture of a 実行するd woman in her 60s, still working, enjoying life, socialising as much as she wishes, loving her independence.

I’d like you to be an inspiration for women who believe the only thing that makes life 価値（がある） living is having a partner. Today’s second letter is a sad antidote to that romantic 見解（をとる）.

? ?

More from Bel Mooney for the Daily Mail...

I can see that your young daughter’s suggestion is 控訴，上告ing on many levels ― and it sounds as if you and she have talked it through carefully.

My 直感的に返答 is that, yes, it could indeed be fun to be 近づく enough to see a lot of those children ― now at an 利益／興味ing age.

Yet you make it （疑いを）晴らす that you don’t see yourself as a 手渡すs-on granny ― because your own life is too important to you. The trouble is, that wonderful ‘十分な life’ your daughter 認めるs would surely be 厳しく curtailed by a move, since you’d be leaving behind the social life and good friends you value so much.

No 事柄 how much we love our adult children, it’s 必須の to realise they must (and will) lead their own lives ― and that can 伴う／関わる leaving you behind (again, see Christina’s letter below).

What if they decide to move その上の than 20 miles away in six years’ time? How can anybody know they won’t?

I worry about you making the 激変 and leaving everything you enjoy behind ― only to feel lonely and left behind yourself.

Of course, it could all work 井戸／弁護士席. Have you discussed it with the daughter who lives nearest to you? How 井戸／弁護士席 do you get on with the youngest daughter and her husband? Would you have the means (I realise this is a long 発射) to buy two small 所有物／資産／財産s, one where you are now and one 近づく your daughter?

Or is there a 地元の friend from whom you could rent a bedroom when you retire, so as to keep a base in the 場所 you love?

You need to discuss this with all three daughters, and listen to your friends 同様に. You have a year, so 調査する all the 選択s.?

I dread old age with my husband

?Dear Bel,

I think I have been depressed for many, many years, but have somehow managed to surmount it and keep going by working hard and 存在伴う／関わるd with people.

Now, however, I feel broken and 敗北・負かすd. I’m 70 and unhappily married. I have no siblings or family, one daughter and three grandchildren I love dearly.

My marriage was a mistake from the start. My husband seems incapable of emotion, so we have never had a 関係. I 設立する that even harder than the 欠如（する） of sex ― we 港／避難所’t 株d a bedroom for 30 years.

He’s not 故意に unkind, but appears to be locked in an emotional 砂漠 with no empathy or self-認識／意識性. I have tried so many ways to get through to him, 含むing wondering if he is autistic, but he doesn’t appear to fit the 基準 as he is very sociable.

He does nothing at home ― I’m a drudge. I can’t 熟視する／熟考する a move, as I need space to escape to. Living in の近くに４半期/4分の1s would be insufferable. I dread growing old with him.

As an only child, my lovely daughter became my world. Two years ago she told me they were going abroad for her husband’s 職業, but just for two years. Now it seems they ーするつもりである to stay longer.

I’ve 行方不明になるd so much of my grandchildren’s 開発 and do not want to go on living. I feel abandoned and know 解答s can 残り／休憩（する） only with me, but I’ve run out of them.

CHRISTINA

?Your uncut email gave many 詳細（に述べる）s I’ve omitted ― and left me feeling terribly sad 同様に as rather helpless.

I think there are many marriages like yours, where one person feels intolerably 罠にかける and can see no way out. In such circumstances the advice I might give ― going for couple counselling ― is pointless. How could you get a man like that to agree when he sees nothing wrong?

All the counselling you have had in the past served only to 納得させる you this marriage is a 刑務所，拘置所 and you are doomed to remain incarcerated.

The first 返答 to your story is that you should put the house on the market and buy something for yourself with your half of the money. But that’s not going to happen, is it? Your husband is older and I 嫌疑者，容疑者／疑う you would never leave ― no, not even if a 億万長者（機の）カム along and 申し込む／申し出d you the necessary 基金s.

At this 行う／開催する／段階 you are locked into your 不景気. Your suicidal thoughts, 誘発する／引き起こすd by your beloved daughter’s 計画（する）s, are very worrying. You can call the Samaritans (解放する／自由な of 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金) day or night on 116 123. Or 注ぐ out your feelings in an email to jo@samaritans.org if that feels easier.

It’s （疑いを）晴らす your daughter’s news has 誘発する／引き起こすd a much worse onset of your habitual 不景気. Do you have 貯金? Can you visit her? It’s a long way but surely you need to talk to her and see those grandchildren? You have been very の近くに; now is the time to use that emotional 関係 and be honest with her about how you are feeling.

I think you should 調書をとる／予約する a 計画（する） ticket and p resent it to your husband as a fait accompli . . . telling him you are very 負かす／撃墜する and need the trip. He will fuss (after all, he’ll be losing his 国内の slave) but you must stand up for yourself.

Why not go to your GP and ask for 治療 for 不景気?

People can, and do, make new starts in later life. There’s no 疑問 it would have been better had you walked away from the marriage after your daughter was born (an event to which he was indifferent) but you stayed ‘for her sake’.

I’m sure you’ve regretted it many times, so it’s fruitless to dwell on that mistake. But be sure you don’t make another one. Your daughter would (I’ve no 疑問) 勧める you to go on living ‘for her sake’ ― and I ask you to consider that she may return to the UK and you will be able to see how your grandchildren develop.

In other words, there is always hope. Yes, hope may be a sad, bedraggled bird sitting on a bough (as imagined the poets Emily Dickinson and Thomas Hardy), yet it is never too late to raise your 長，率いる and listen to its song.

?And Finally....This caked-on choice makes me so 暗い／優うつな

?Do you ever become tired of too much stuff? Wanting mascara, I went to Boots as usual, but walked away empty- 手渡すd. There were so many mascaras, all 約束ing different 奇蹟s, that I lost 利益／興味 and gave up.

I spend little on cosmetics … but then, I’m from that 世代 which remembers mascara in only one form: a little 封鎖する with a 小衝突.

The technique could be summed up as ‘spit?rub-daub’ ― and honestly, it did us just 罰金. Eyeliner was the same. I can only remember there 存在 one type of lipstick, instead of the myriad ones on displa y these days ― a multi-coloured 兵器庫 of 魔法弾丸s. Who needs them all?

接触する Bel?

?Bel answers readers' questions on emotional and 関係 problems each week.

令状 to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.

A pseudonym will be used if you wish.

Bel reads all letters but 悔いるs she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

宣伝

My gorgeous mother used Ponds cream and Cr?me Puff and I can remember the subtle fragrances ― like the Evening In Paris scent which seemed the 高さ of sophistication to a little girl in the Fifties, those easily pleased days when bath cubes were an exciting 現在の.

Yes, they were simpler times, and I 辞退する to believe the human spirit was stunted by having より小数の製品s to choose from. We weren’t endlessly browbeaten by 製造業者s telling seductive lies about wrinkles, but made do and were 感謝する.

許す this sudden 沸き立つ of nostalgia. I was ‘誘発する／引き起こすd’ by damn mascara!

But it’s a melancholy truth that many young women today seem to want nothing more than to 達成する big brows, silly trout-pouts, ひどく ‘contoured’ 直面するs, glowering 注目する，もくろむ-（不足などを）補う and 宙返り／暴落するing hair ― 正確に／まさに like every reality TV wannabe. Their world of choice has turned them into identikit Stepford chicks.

Believe me, I’m not anti-choice. How could I be, when I remember the empty 棚上げにするs of Russia and Romania? Yet when I think of all the 資源s that go into making yet more shampoos and にわか雨 gels ― all in plastic 瓶／封じ込めるs, all doing the same 職業 ― I feel 暗い／優うつな.

We don’t need it all ― and it’s the greedy 仮定／引き受けること that we do that stunts the soul.