It took 13 years to 罪人／有罪を宣告する the rapist who 強襲，強姦d me. Chances are, by the time you read this, he’ll be FREE

By Abi 認める

Updated: 15:07 BST, 11 June 2009

に引き続いて a 悲劇, you’ll invariably see a distraught 親族 on the TV news choking 支援する 涙／ほころびs and 説, ‘Words cannot 述べる how I feel.’ At this point I always find myself shouting, ‘Oh yes they can ? that’s what words do.’

What I think people mean is that there are no 平易な similes. Having your child 殺人d or a mate blown up by a 道端 爆弾 isn’t ‘like’ anything else. Neither is waking up to find a serial rapist in your bedroom. But I’m giving words a go.

January 1993: the 強襲，強姦

I was 28 years old and had written the 調書をとる／予約する for a musical, 無線で通信する Times, which had just finished its West End run. It was almost 4am when the cab dropped me at my North London home after the final cast party. I tramped downstairs to my flat, made a cup of tea, and then slid into bed and 深い sleep. My police 声明 takes it from there:

‘I was then awoken with a start. I realised that the duvet had been pulled off and there was a man on 最高の，を越す of me. I was flat on my 支援する and he was flat on me. His chest was on my chest, and his 直面する was インチs from 地雷. I was pinned 負かす／撃墜する and my 武器 were by my 味方する. He was trying to 軍隊 my 脚s open… He 攻撃する，衝突する me at least ten times. He just kept punching me… I bit his tongue as hard as I could. The man 叫び声をあげるd out and moved off me わずかに… And then I managed to 長，率いる-butt him…’ It was all over in under 15 minutes.

I still find the idea of 存在 stalked, him waiting for my return, watching me get ready for bed, utterly horrendous. It is still the source of most of my nightmares ? not the attack, but 存在 watched as a 序幕 to 存在 attacked. It has left me with a self-consciousness within my own home. I’m still a curtain-closer. I don’t like people looking in.

Two days later ? after police 声明s and 医療の examinations (the doctor told me my nose was broken and clicked it 支援する into place with his finger and thumb), and a 法廷の examination of my flat by scenes of 罪，犯罪 officers ? DC Keely Smith called to see me and apologised for asking me to go through it yet again. She explained it was police 手続き to ask 犠牲者s to repeat their story in 事例／患者 some small 詳細（に述べる） worms its way into your consciousness and gives them a lead.?

What happens, though, is the repetition 減ずるs your experience to a dull sequence of events. It’s why all police 声明s read the same way. If Byron was mugged, it would still read, ‘I walked 負かす／撃墜する the road in a northerly direction.’ At no point in this four-page 文書 is there any について言及する of how I felt.

Abi was getting her life 支援する on 跡をつける when her 攻撃者 was 逮捕（する）d

Both Keely and her WPC 同僚 保証するd me that I’d done 井戸／弁護士席, and that they’d have done what I’d done and fought 支援する. This idea of ‘what we’d do’ permeates popular narrative, encouraging the belief that if you’re smart and 勇敢に立ち向かう, you’ll be 承認する.

In fact, no one knows how they’ll behave in any 状況／情勢 until that 状況／情勢 arrives. So I’m not 勇敢に立ち向かう, I’m lucky. But there I was ? the perfect 犠牲者 ? eloquent, feisty, and everybody was on my 味方する.

Keely told me that two more women had been attacked over the 週末 ? one sexually 強襲，強姦d, the other 強姦d ? just ten minutes from my flat. I wasn’t 大いに 安心させるd to hear that either the man who attacked me was はびこる or there was another madman on the prowl, but 繰り返し言うd that if it was the same man, and if he was caught, then yes, I’d 圧力（をかける） 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金s. I 調印するd my typed-up 声明, wincing at the horrible prose. And I bought a copy of my 地元の newspaper, and took a few seconds to realise that the ‘28-year-old professional woman’ attacked in her 地階 flat was me.

The trouble with shock is that it isn’t evident to the naked 注目する，もくろむ, and doesn’t 傷をいやす／和解させる with time. No part of your brain is attuned to the 可能性 that you could go to bed alone in your own flat and wake up with a violent stranger. Part of you knows that, with new locks, bolts and 取調べ／厳しく尋問するs, it’s not going to happen again. But you know it could, because it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

My approach to sleep from then on was to find the 権利 balance between 公式の／役人 麻薬s and alcohol, so that I 誘発するd out the moment my 長，率いる 攻撃する，衝突する the pillow, and yet was not so under that I would be deaf to trouble. Familiari ty carried me through the 動議s of ‘wellness’. I went to 会合s, talked to my accountant, all the time willing myself to be ‘罰金’. But the murmurs of disquiet began to 開始する up.

By late August, eight months after the attack, the 法廷の 証拠 so painstakingly gathered by the scenes of 罪，犯罪 officers made it to the 前線 of the 列, and someone called to tell me that, whoever my 攻撃者 was, he was ‘not known to the police’.

Of course, she 追加するd, he could have changed cities, or 感情を害する／違反するd どこかよそで, but there were political 障害s to the linking of police 軍隊 databases. Such a short call, polite and apologetic, to tell me there was nothing they could do ? like someone had got 板材d with phoning a 患者 with bad 実験（する） results. The 残り／休憩（する） of the world had moved on.

April 2005: the 逮捕（する）

‘Have you ever heard of a Greig Strachan?’ asked DC Donna Mitchell from the Sapphire 部隊, turning up at my flat 12 years later with DC Andy Lawrence of the 冷淡な 事例／患者 Squad.

‘Can you think of any 推論する／理由 Greig Strachan’s 指紋 would be in your flat?

’No, I’d never heard of him.

‘Then I think we’ve got him,’ said DC Lawrence.

The Sapphire 部隊 had been 始める，決める up by the 政府 in 2001 to help 上げる the number of 強姦 有罪の判決s. All 未解決の stranger 強襲，強姦s were 存在 re-opened. There had been a change in the number of points of comparison needed to make a 指紋 match (減ずるd from 16 points to 12 or 14) and, having looked at the prints from my 事例／患者 with new 注目する，もくろむs, they’d 設立する a match.

I kept wondering where the print had been 設立する: if it was in my bedroom he was definitely 有罪の. But Donna (now my 公式の／役人 犠牲者 support officer) always gave the same answer. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that.’

As a 犠牲者 you’re in the paradoxical position of 存在 at the centre of everything, while be ing told nothing about it. Our system is built on catching the 犠牲者 unaware, making their 証言 seem ‘more honest’ to a 陪審／陪審員団. It’s not you versus him, it’s the 栄冠を与える versus him, and you’re a 証言，証人／目撃する, a 合法的な veal calf to be led blinkingly into the 証言，証人／目撃する box when your time is called.

And when Donna took my ‘衝撃 声明’ ? designed to sum up the 影響 of the attack on my life ? I suddenly realised what a 血まみれの slog the last 12 years had been. After the attack, I couldn’t really work and was broke ? although not so broke that I couldn’t afford to drink. I tried having a 関係 (eight happy months, 22 哀れな ones) and when it failed I lost 負わせる, couldn’t sleep, and started having flashbacks to the attack. Heartbroken, I lost what little 施設 I had for work, and was dropped by my スパイ／執行官.

I tried several 肉親，親類d of therapy, was 定める／命ずるd antidepressants, 適用するd for 犯罪の 傷害s 補償（金） (I was 結局 awarded £9,625) and had an 操作／手術 on my broken nose (which had 原因（となる）d terrible sinus-induced migraines).

Finally, I was getting my life 支援する on 跡をつける. I had started script-editing TV’s Thomas the 戦車／タンク Engine and written more than 60 episodes; I spent six months on a screenplay of my own and got a wonderful new スパイ／執行官. The 未来 looked good again.

Now I saw these 業績／成就s melt like butter on a hot plate. I felt 選び出す／独身 and childless in a way I hadn’t before. I was told that everyone would understand if? I didn’t want to go ahead with the 事例／患者. But I thought it was time to buck the 傾向. ‘Let’s do it,’ I said.

Strachan was given the 適切な時期 to 罪を認める (sparing me a 裁判，公判, and getting a third off his 宣告，判決), but didn’t. He didn’t 否定する it was his 指紋 in my flat, but 否定するd it was him who attacked me. It wasn’t until the new year that Donna called to say that we had a 裁判，公判 date. After waiting 12 years for this, I felt ready.

I had been foolishly 確かな that having been attacked in my own bed, in my own flat, I would be spared personal attack at the 裁判，公判

Taking the stand is a horrible experience. Entering the 証言，証人／目撃する box means putting yourself in a position where 高度に educated people are paid to 新たな展開 your words and trip you up. The defence barrister, having 公式文書，認めるd that my wallet was in the kitchen on the night of the attack, 開始する，打ち上げるd into a line of 尋問 about さまざまな 配達／演説／出産 men. Had I ever asked a pizza 配達／演説／出産 man into the kitchen to 支払う／賃金 him? No. I twigged she was trying to place her （弁護士の）依頼人 in my bedroom consensually, but then had to answer 類似して tortuous questions about gasmen, electricity men and postmen.

Finally she 攻撃する，衝突する on motorcycle 特使s ? I must have asked them into my bedroom as that’s where my computer was. I said I didn’t use 特使s. ‘Really?’ she said. ‘Are you sure there wasn’t one 草案 that 絶対 had to be 配達するd that afternoon?’ I explained that the musical I’d been working on was a major piece that took three years to 完全にする, not something written at the last minute to a 最終期限. She turned to the 陪審／陪審員団 with a smile. ‘Oh, I’m sure we’d all like three years to finish something.’

I was dumbstruck. If there was one thing I had been foolishly 確かな about it was that, having been attacked in my own bed, in my own flat, I would be spared personal attack now.

After I’d been 解放（する）d from 法廷，裁判所, and both defence and 起訴 had finished, Donna phoned: I could now be told what the 陪審／陪審員団 knew, and what the police had known from the start.

Strachan was a 罪人／有罪を宣告するd rapist. He’d only been out of 刑務所，拘置所 seven months when he attacked me. He’d also been 罪人／有罪を宣告するd of three 押し込み強盗s in Scotland, and had indecently 強襲，強姦d the three women whose homes he’d broken into. I never thought I’d be pleased to hear someone was a rapist, but I was overjoyed. I 現実に felt 勇敢に立ち向かう for the first time. Part of me had harboure d a 恐れる that he was in fact just not a very successful rapist, and that I’d made too much of the attack. Now I knew everything I’d done had been worthwhile.

Thirteen years after the attack, it took the 陪審／陪審員団 いっそう少なく than 20 minutes to 全員一致で find him 有罪の. It was over. I felt tired but vindicated. Happy would be 押し進めるing it, but I was thrilled for DC Andy Lawrence who’d worked on the 事例／患者 for more than two years.

Months later, some nameless 裁判官s decided to 減ずる Strachan’s 11-year 宣告，判決 to nine years on 控訴，上告. I don’t know why. 厳密に speaking, Andy didn’t even have to tell me because, after all, it was the 栄冠を与える, not me, versus Strachan, and the 栄冠を与える doesn’t think I need to know. Like all good police officers, Andy is constrained by a system that seems 決定するd to ignore, 失望させる or 土台を崩す his best 成果／努力s. 囚人s serve only half their 関税, and taking off the time spent on 再拘留（者） waiting for 裁判，公判, Strachan will do just under three years’ proper 刑務所，拘置所. Chances are, by the time you read this, he’ll be 解放する／自由な.

As for whether words can 述べる, I’ve done my best.

This is an edited 抽出する from Words Can 述べる by Abi 認める (Picador, £11.99). To order a copy with 解放する／自由な p&p, call the YOU Bookshop on 0845 155 0711,?you-bookshop.co.uk.

Have you been 強姦d or sexually 強襲，強姦d? Did you 報告（する）／憶測 it? Tell us your experiences