Hollywood actress Portia de Rossi on the disorder that drove her to the 辛勝する／優位

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At the age of 24, actress Portia de Rossi joined the cast of 同盟（する） McBeal, the hugely successful 合法的な comedy 演劇. Portia had moved to Hollywood three years earlier from her native Australia, and 上陸 the 役割 felt like a dream come true. But it was also to 証明する the beginning of a nightmare. いっそう少なく than a year later, Portia’s 負わせる had 急落（する），激減（する）d to いっそう少なく than six 石／投石する. Here, with unflinching honesty, she tells the コンビナート／複合体 emotional truth about the eating disorder that drove her 団体／死体 and spirit to breaking point

'I thank God for Ellen every day - she has enabled me to be 正確に／まさに who I am,' says Portia

It was 2pm in Los Angeles and 7am in Australia ? perhaps a little 早期に to be calling my mother, but I couldn’t wait a second longer.

‘Ma, I’m going to be on 同盟（する） McBeal!’ I waited for the enormity of what I was 説 to 計算する, but as the show hadn’t yet reached Australia, I was 軍隊d to say this: ‘Ma, I’m going to be famous!’ Both of us fell into an awe-filled silence. 存在 a regula r cast member on a 攻撃する，衝突する TV show was what I had been working に向かって. Famous actresses were special people. Now, at last, I had a chance to be special.

I was excited, but with the excitement （機の）カム a little 恐れる. I was gay. My mother knew this ? I had come out to her when I was 16 ? but she had always encouraged me to be 隠しだてする, 特に with anyone who could 前進する my career. What would happen now if my 雇用者s ? or worse, the 圧力（をかける） ? 設立する out? I could sense that my mother was thinking the same thing. ‘You’d better be careful, darling,’ she said gently. And with that, my excitement levels dropped 大幅に.

My 追求（する），探索（する） to be special had begun in childhood. 近づく our home outside Melbourne we had some family friends, the Goffs, who had three daughters. Linda was a lawyer, Amanda a physiotherapist, and Allison a model. にもかかわらず the 業績／成就s of her sisters, Allison received the lion’s 株 of 賞賛 and 賞賛する. There wasn’t a week in which my mother didn’t point out ‘pretty Allison’ in a 目録. And although I was clever and 達成するd A grades, I needed to be the girl to whom my mother pointed. So I decided to become a model.

I wasn’t 特に pretty, but what I 欠如（する）d in looks I made up for in 決意. At 12, I sent Polaroid photographs of myself to さまざまな modelling 機関s and one requested a 会合. This was わずかに problematic because my dad, a community organiser and Rotary Club 創立者, had died when I was nine, and since then my mother had had to work 十分な time in a doctor’s office. She explained that she couldn’t just take time out to 運動 me to 任命s. So I did what any 12-year-old would do ? I threw a tantrum so violent that she took the day off sick and chauffeured me to the 会合.

From left: With wife Ellen DeGeneres on their wedding day in August 2008; Portia (on far 権利), with the cast of 同盟（する） McBeal in 2001

Four weeks later, the 機関 招待するd me to 参加する a catwalk show and すぐに I panicked. I had 伸び（る）d 5lb since my interview through eating too many crisps and 甘いs. I knew I shouldn’t have had them, but eating just felt so good. With only five days to go before the show I had no 選択 but to 乗る，着手する on my first diet ? a combination of caffeinated drinks, Ryvita and steamed vegetables that 普通の／平均（する）d no more than 300 calories a day. Thanks to my rigid self-discipline, I 転換d the extra 続けざまに猛撃するs. I was proud of myself, and my mother was proud of me, too.

Now, 14 years on, as I stood on the brink of fame, panic swept through me again. The 生産者
of 同盟（する） McBeal had surely made a mistake. Apart from not 存在 the fun and flirty 主要な lady type that I knew Nelle Porter had to be, I just wasn’t good-looking enough. And how was I going to become a 流行の／上流の celebrity?

I needed to reinvent my image. I called my friend Kali and she agreed to come shopping with me.

‘What size are you?’ she asked as we stood in 白人指導者べったりの東洋人 共和国.

‘What size are American models?’ I asked her.

‘井戸／弁護士席, a 見本 size is usually a 6 [UK size 10].’

‘Then I’m a 6.’

The capri pants I had just tried on were a 6 and too tight, but to me size 8 didn’t 存在する. I 始める，決める myself a goal. I would wear those capri pants on day one of my new 職業 and I would make them fit with the same diet that I had used for that fashion show. I knew it would work because I’d done it six to eight times a year ever since.

A week later, I arrived on the 同盟（する） McBeal 始める，決める with my capri pants fitting comfortably. My first 任命 was with Vera, the 衣装 designer. She asked me to try on a pinstriped 控訴 with a nipped-in waist. As I admired my reflection in the mirror, I was almost giddy with excitement. The 控訴 was a size 4.

I filmed one of my first scenes in which Nelle Porter 会合，会うs up with 同盟（する） McBeal. It was lunchtime when the director yelled, ‘削減（する）!’ and I walked off the 始める，決める with Calista Flockhart. ‘How are you liking it so far?’ she asked. I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to tell her that it felt strange and scary and that I felt out of place. But I didn’t. In the four years of working on that show I never did say any of that to her. ‘I love it.’

‘広大な／多数の／重要な! See you 支援する in there.’

A few weeks later, I opened my dressing room wardrobe. On the rail were 15 始める，決めるs of bras and panties ? the 肉親，親類d that are ーするつもりであるd to be seen. 大（公）使館員d to the first pair was a 公式文書，認める: ‘For next episode. Please try on at your convenience. Thanks, V.’

S***! An underwear scene. And the next episode was only eight days away. You’re such an idiot, Portia, for thinking you could get away with not working out when this 肉親，親類d of thing could’ve happened at any time.

I hated everything about the underwear scene. I hated that, in just a few episodes, I’d gone from playing a high-力／強力にするd 弁護士／代理人／検事 to a woman 猛烈に trying to get her boss to sleep with her. And I 特に hated what I wore ? 黒人／ボイコット lingerie with a trashy stripper vibe.

After that scene I bought two treadmills ? one for my apartment and one for my dressing room so that I could work out at lunchtime. I’d never had 演習 器具／備品 in my dressing room before, but I didn’t invent the 概念. Many of the 同盟（する） McBe al cast members had them.

I also 雇うd a nutritionist, Suzanne. I told her everything: that from the age of 12, 餓死するing and bingeing and 粛清するing had been the only way to reach my goal 負わせる, and that, from 15, laxatives were part of my everyday life.

Suzanne looked at me kindly and said: ‘I am not going to teach you a diet, I am going to teach you a healthy eating 計画（する） that will help you lose 負わせる.’ Sounded like a diet to me.

Suzanne 始める，決める my calorie intake for optimum 負わせる loss at 1,400 calories a day. Without telling her, I reset it to 1,000. Within weeks, my 負わせる fell from 130lb (9st 4lb) to 120lb (8st 8lb), then 115lb (8st 3lb). But I still saw bulging thighs in the mirror. I dropped to 800 calories a day and 罰金-tuned my work-out. Every morning I ran for 45 minutes on the treadmill. I followed that with 正確に／まさに 105 sit-ups ? I 手配中の，お尋ね者 to do 100, but the five extra sit-ups 許すd for some sloppy ones. If I had time, I would also do 脚 解除するs: 105 with each 脚.

Around my treadmill at home I taped cards 負かす／撃墜する the length of the 塀で囲む: 111,110, 109, 108, 107, 106, 105.

Each time I lost a 続けざまに猛撃する I 除去するd the 関連した card. It was getting more difficult to lose 負わせる as I got thinner, so I needed all the 動機づけ I could 召集（する）.

To my amazement and delight, my 着せる／賦与するs were becoming too big. Vera smiled and shook her 長，率いる as I walked into the fitting room one day. ‘Could you get any thinner? Look at you!’ She called out to her assistant. ‘Can you get size 2s for the Skinny Minnie 今後.’ Skinny Minnie. As stupid as that 指名する was, I was thrilled that someone would attach it to me.
***
I sat on Suzanne’s couch.

‘How many calories are you eating, Portia?’

‘1,400,’ I answered with a わずかに incredulous トン hoping to 納得させる her it was the truth.

‘Portia, do you get your period 定期的に?’

‘No, 現実に. I can’t remember the last time I had it.’

She nodded. ‘Portia, I want you to be healthy and happy, but I don’t think I’m qualified to help you.’

Of course you can’t help me, I thought silently, I’m losing 負わせる on my own.

At the Golden Globe Awards in 2000

For eight months since starting work on 同盟（する） McBeal, I hadn’t 伸び（る）d a 続けざまに猛撃する. Now, as I flew to Melbourne for Christmas, I was 負かす／撃墜する to 95lb (6st 11lb). On Christmas morning, I lay on my 味方する in bed with my 脚s わずかに bent for the ultimate 実験（する） of 負わせる loss: if the fat on my 最高の，を越す thigh didn’t touch my 底（に届く） thigh, then my thighs had to be thin.

There was a wide gap. I walked into the bathroom and held my breath as I 緩和するd on to the 規模s: 89lb (6st 5lb). Merry Christmas, Portia.

The trouble was that I wasn’t getting the reaction I was hoping for from my mother. I 手配中の，お尋ね者 her to tell me that I looked 広大な／多数の／重要な and that I had finally got it together after all the years of hell my 負わせる had put us both through. Instead, she called me into her bedroom one morning and sobbed: ‘You’re so thin, darling. If you don’t eat something you’re going to die!’

To my horror, a smirk involuntarily stretched over my 直面する. I loved my mother very much. Why was I 存在 so 冷淡な? The answer （機の）カム to me with certainty and clarity.

I put my arm around her and we sat on her bed until she stopped crying. I was waiting to tell her that I was angry that she didn’t 受託する my 存在 gay. I was going to show her the same 堅い love she’d shown me. But instead, I burst into 涙／ほころびs. ‘I’m so sorry I’m gay, Mama.’

‘Why, darling? You are who you are.’

‘I know! But you’re ashamed of me!’

‘Listen. I’m a stupid old fool. I didn’t want you to lose everything you’d worked so hard for. But I was wrong.’ She held me in her 武器.

‘I love you so much.’

I felt the 負わせる that I’d been carrying around since I was a 十代の少年少女 落ちる away. Shame 重さを計るs a lot more than flesh and bone.
***
I didn’t decide to become anorexic. It こそこそ動くd up on me disguised as a healthy diet, a professional 態度. I didn’t decide to not be anorexic either. I decided not to die.

I 重さを計るd 82lb (5st 12lb) when I 崩壊（する）d on a film 始める，決める 早期に in 2000. I had osteoporosis and 調印するs of cirrhosis of the 肝臓. My potassium and electrolyte balance were at 批判的な levels, 脅すing my 組織／臓器 機能（する）／行事. I had to 受託する that I’d chosen the wrong road ? one that led to sickness and death.

But just because I sto pped 餓死するing myself, it didn’t mean that I no longer had an eating disorder. Instead, the pendulum swung the other way. I grossly overate and became 厳しく bulimic. I went from 82lb to 168lb (12st) in ten months.

I sought help from a counsellor. We talked about how most women’s self-esteem still 残り／休憩（する）s 大部分は on how they look and their 負わせる にもかかわらず their other 業績／成就s. I remember reading Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth and thinking, ‘Oh my God. I fell for it.’ Images of prepubescent girls never should have had 力／強力にする over me. I’d squandered my brain to squeeze into a size 2 dress.

I was still 激しい, around 150lb (10st 10lb), when 9/11 happened and changed my life. I was so 乱すd by the realisation that I could die without living happily that I began a loving three-year 関係 with a woman called Francesca [Gregorini, daughter of actress Barbara Bach].

Francesca was 自然に thin. I watched her eat pasta and ice cream and wash it 負かす／撃墜する with 十分な-fat Coke while I ate undressed salads and sipped iced tea. However, 結局 it occurred to me that maybe people who stay thin are those who eat whatever they want. By 存在 on a perpetual diet, I had practised ‘disordered’ eating all my life. ‘Ordered’ eating is eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are 十分な. Ignoring your 団体／死体’s signals and obsessing about food is a disorder.

I began eating what Francesca ate. Within two months, I was 130lb (9st 4lb). Then I stopped 重さを計るing myself. I 簡単に didn’t care about 負わせる any more because it was always the same ? a comfortable 負わせる for my 団体／死体.

Today I live with my wife, the comedian and television host Ellen DeGeneres. We’ve been together for seven years and married for three. I remember our wedding day, in August 2008. My m other was there and she couldn’t wait to see me in my Zac Posen wedding dress ? a 見通し that she could never have imagined after learning that I was gay. She told me that she was proud of me. And she couldn’t stop smiling at her healthy daughter who had 設立する a 深遠な love with another woman.

I thank God for Ellen every day ? she has enabled me to be 正確に／まさに who I am. We first met in 2001 when I 重さを計るd 168lb, but she says she never saw me as 激しい ? she only saw the person inside. It’s ironic, really, that I tried so hard to 現在の myself as something I wasn’t when all I ever 手配中の，お尋ね者 was to be loved for my true self.

An edited 抽出する from Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and 伸び（る） by Portia de Rossi, to be published in paperback by Simon & Schuster on Thursday at £7.99. To order a copy at the special price of £6.99 with 解放する／自由な p&p, 接触する the you bookshop on 0843 382 1111, you-bookshop.co.uk

抽出する edited by Catherine O'Brien