Liz Jones: In which I rewrite the 支配するs
This is how insane I am (as if you needed proof). I have just instant messaged my groom/PA/friend the に引き続いて: ‘Do you know how old my Prada 捕らえる、獲得するs are? 13!!!!’
On Thursday, I was having a 最高の-stressful day. I had worked for 21 hours on Wednesday, and was now 存在 told by my solicitor that my new 買い手 was not ready to 交流, having been given a 最終期限 of Friday, which is the day I am 令状ing this, from the get go, and as a 条件 of my 受託するing their (low) 申し込む／申し出. I then had a 長引いた argument with my 広い地所 スパイ／執行官, after he typed the に引き続いて: ‘Liz. What you must 受託する and understand is this: we are all doing our best, and it is no one’s fault.’
To which I replied the に引き続いて: ‘Do NOT patronise me. Would you have emailed a posh man, telling him what he must “受託する and understand”? I very much 疑問 it. And unless a rabbit or a badger is 扱うing the sale of my sodding house, it must be someone’s fault.’
And so it went on. Argument tennis in the ether. It gave me a 強調する／ストレス 頭痛 to go と一緒に my 強調する／ストレス fat tummy, so at least I am 連係させた (I am trying to be 肯定的な). I then had a call from my spa, where I had 封鎖する 調書をとる／予約するd 任命s before I 飛行機で行く to the Caribbean (for work!) on Saturday. ‘We cannot give you a spray tan after you have had waxing on your 脚s, bikini a
rea and underarm.’
‘Why not?’
You will be speckled, like an フクロウ.’
‘承認する, how about we just do the brazilian and the underarm? I am never tanned in those areas.’
My problem is that people never take any notice of me
‘No, that is against health and safety.’ After much 交渉, I agreed to have a wax the day before. The spa lady then phoned me 支援する. ‘We can’t do the tan after facial threading, either.’
‘But I never have my 直面する tanned, so what is the difference?’
結局, we arrived at a d?テント, but it had taken six phone calls and two hours. Why is life so hard?
The 推論する／理由 I sent the Prada email was because I am fed up with 存在 broke. If my handbags were children they’d be having sex and taking 麻薬s by now. I 解雇する／砲火／射撃d off an email to my スパイ／執行官: ‘I have worked 16 週末s so far this year.’ I didn’t 令状 a reply. I think my major problem is that people never take any notice of me. I ask nicely, then I remind and remind, then I cajole and finally, I have to lose my temper to get anything done. I don’t understand why I have to be a bitch, even to people I am 支払う／賃金ing a lot of money to do stuff for me. But I have had enough of 存在 ignored and disrespected. I have made a 名簿（に載せる）／表（にあげる） of new 支配するs that I am going to live by:
1 Do not give people expensive gifts. They never 高く評価する／（相場などが）上がる them. Never once has a person I gifted dressed their child in the Brora cashmere when I visit, or carried the apple green Mulberry 捕らえる、獲得する when we go out.
3 Make any 関係 （疑いを）晴らす upfront, with 支配するs and a 契約.
4 Never 選ぶ up the tab for others: always 分裂（する） the 法案, or 補欠／交替の／交替する and take turns. I have only ONE friend who does this with me. 告訴する Needleman, I salute you.
5 Only ask for something once. If a 仕事 does not get done, 解雇（する） the person or, as one of my therapists wisely told me, ‘You cannot change other people. If they do not do as you want, 削減（する） them out of your life, like so much ragwort.’
I underestimate my 価値（がある） not just at work, but with men, too (please stop the hollow laughter; I know you realised that a １０年間 ago). I have a friend who is 現在／一般に juggling having sex with three men. If that were me, I would be 絶えず in 住居 at a spa, 雇うing (n)艦隊／(a)素早いs of cleaners and lawn tidiers. I realise I need to be more spontaneous. So I text him.
‘I’m in New York this 週末, on a 途中滞在 to the Caribbean. Can you 会合，会う me for dinner at the Mercer?’
I waited and I waited. Oooh, he’s just sent me a message…
