How I 征服する／打ち勝つd Austria... on skis

Lech, made famous by Bridget Jones - Ruby Wax is also a fan

I knew it was going to be trouble. Holidaying in the land my parents were 軍隊d to 逃げる during the Second World War did not bode 井戸／弁護士席.

During their Big 出口 my ユダヤ人の father was told to 'get out of town 急速な／放蕩な'. But where to was the problem. All 国境 crossings were no-go so, cleverly, he snuck up a mountain at night and thought the next day he'd just ski over the 国境 into Switzerland.

At 夜明け, he noticed that about 10,000 other ethnically challenged people had had the same idea and so there was '行き詰まる on a 二塁打 黒人／ボイコット run'. Skis akimbo, they were all herded up by noon and flung into 刑務所，拘置所. How's that for apr?s no ski?

My father 結局 did manage to escape, but don't think that, 60 years on, I 行方不明になるd the irony of me, if not 現実に skiing 支援する into Austria, at least skiing in it.

I'd always heard of Lech, everyone 説 how fantastic, blah blah. Lovely as it is, the very word Lech evokes the noise you make when bringing up something large caught in your throat. It's the sound of phlegm rumbling up from 深い 負かす／撃墜する.

But all that aside, the place in reality is candybox 削減（する）. The chalets line a river running through it, all coloured pinkie and peachy, then decorated up like rococo hookers.

The windows are でっちあげる，人を罪に陥れるd with handpainted swirly, whirly meringue-形態／調整s to create faux shutters. The 前線s of the buildings are dolled up with Germanic-looking Greek goddesses 持つ／拘留するing up headfuls of succulent fruit. Covering other exterior 塀で囲むs are 巨大（な） Brunhildas in togas, 産する／生じるing 保護物，者s and spears.

We drove up to our simple and much more humble hotel, The Elisabeth, 負かす／撃墜する a 小道／航路 with 7ft 塀で囲むs of snow on either 味方する. The 内部の of the gemutlish (cosy, to you) 迎賓館 was not dissimilar to the way my mother decorated our house in Chicago in her 試みる／企てる to recreate the Old Country. All was bierkeller charm mixed with Jane Churchill - checked curtains held 支援する by 屈服するs and floral, 妊娠している sofas.

We were 迎える／歓迎するd by the Frau of the Haus who oozed charm, big rosy cheeks you 手配中の，お尋ね者 to pinch and puffy sleeves 頂上に her dirndl. She was like a Mother Goose who 手配中の，お尋ね者 to tuck you into your fluffy duvet. My room was also cosy and rosy - all pine woody and warm.

The dining room is where I got 脅すd. I love Austrian food. I was brought up on it. When you order something off the menu it sounds like you're 宣言するing war on Europe: 'I'll have the gemutzschlaggensaken grumper, fakachta, Schwien hoffen,' and people come out of the kitchen with their 手渡すs up.

All this usually means pig or veal or a combo of both with some saurkraut.

So far, 罰金. But when my 注目する，もくろむs drifted up the restaurant 塀で囲むs, I gave a sharp intake of breath. Every character in Bambi was dead and stuffed, in 中央の-frolic: rabbits, squirrels, フクロウs, muskrats, eagles and hundreds of Bambis identified with a tag so you were on first-指名する 条件.

You're probably eating their insides and up the 塀で囲むs are their outsides. 迎える／歓迎する the Meat. Between the dead animals were statuettes of cupids. This is to 暗示する, I guess, that it all ended happily and they are in heaven now.

The に引き続いて morning, I met my 接触する from 水晶 Holidays, Anita Grabowsky, and a fantastic Australian called Chris L ogue. They were going to help me 購入（する） ski 器具／備品 and chairlift tickets. Thank God for these people - if I'd had to do these chores myself I would not have 生き残るd.

We walked through the sunny, crisp, icicle-dripping town centre where all is good. The shops are filled with expensive outfits you wouldn't take if given away 解放する／自由な - short, スイスの, formal jackets with matching jaunty, alpine, feathered, hats. The sort worn by the cast of The Sound Of Music. But here in Lech the outfits are all pink and yellow to remind you this is a Euro-trash zone.

We finally arrived at the ski 賃貸しの （軍の）野営地，陣営 called Stolz. Here you're 迎える／歓迎するd by a witch in a ponytail who tells you in loud, barky sounds: 'For boots you must go to the third 床に打ち倒す. For ski 政治家s, the 地階. For skis, the fourth 床に打ち倒す. You must 支払う／賃金 for them, on ground 床に打ち倒す.'

On 床に打ち倒す three, I was lined up with other 哀れな-looking millionaires on a （法廷の）裁判 and 手渡すd boots. That was the fun part. On 床に打ち倒す four we 攻撃する，衝突する a cattle 鎮圧する of people all 押すing に向かって the two men 扱うing ski 賃貸しのs.

They do not 列 in Austria; they just 押し進める 今後 and give you guttural 乱用. If you even accidentally put a finger in 前線 of someone, you're covered in spittle.

I 残り／休憩（する）d my 肘 on the 反対する after two hours of 列ing and got, from a 直面する in the 列 so withered, I thought she was the human answer to bad taxidermy: 'Oh no, oh no, oh no! Ve vere here first! You vere not here! Ve vere here. Ve!!!' I didn't need to give her an answer; her 直面する was enough 罰 in this lifetime, which I pointed out.

In the end I 列d for three hours. Children were 鎮圧するd and many fainted, but finally we got our skis.

On the ground 床に打ち倒す someone was shouting: 'Form a people line! Form a people line!' We waited to 支払う／賃金 for our skis for another 20 minutes and then I saw evil incarnate.

The 女性（の） answer to Goebbels was the cashier who looked at me with 憎悪. She shr ieked in my 直面する for my chits, which I produced.

I gave her the chits and then I got: 'You must bring 支援する both skis!!! Not 出身の but both, on Friday!!!! Not 出身の! Do you understand?!!!'

I 明らかにするd my teeth to imitate a smile and hissed: 'What happens if I only bring 支援する one ski?' It was war. Her 注目する，もくろむs went into slits and twitched, there was so much venom flooding through them. Then she said a wonderful line: 'Then, Mrs Wax, I will 追跡（する） you 負かす／撃墜する and I vill kill you!' Frau Fuhrer then made a 調印する of cutting her throat.

It's hard to review a place after that, but mountains don't have 態度. And the mountains are みごたえのある, in-your-直面する, Matterhorny points on all 味方するs. And the Austrians make things work. The ski 解除するs were a dream, the runs perfectly groomed.

The bad news is, if you do 攻撃する，衝突する someone else, no one will hear you 叫び声をあげる. I did not see a ski patrol and in general, these people have the heart of an ice sculpture.

I was ahead of my ten-year-old daughter and lost her behind a small hill. I knew she had slipped 支援する 負かす／撃墜する it and thought someone would help her up, so I waited. I 証言，証人／目撃するd 概略で 100 people pass her.

After skiing we went to the poshest of hotels called The Schneider. It's five-星／主役にする and the dead animals on the 塀で囲むs looked better groomed than at my hotel.

In the plush 妨げる／法廷，弁護士業 we passed a gaggle of gorgeous 減少（する）-dead babes surrounding a tableful of gluhwein. One recognised me from my daughter's school.

Surely this could not be a mother? This was a serious, size-four, tawny-fleshed, shiny-haired starlet. Each babe at the （米）棚上げする／（英）提議する was more beautiful than the next and I looked like a stuffed buffalo in my ski 着せる／賦与するs next to these frisky, pink-gummed Meg Ryans.

Here I was introduced around the （米）棚上げする／（英）提議する by what their husbands did: 大統領，／社長 of Citicorp, CEO of Deutsche Bank, 長，率いる of Lehmans, Goldman's, you 指名する 'ems.

They were all in 中央の-flow, pretending to be mad at their husbands who were 行方不明の. What's new? The kids were with the nannies at the kids' klub.

All the wives have met at The Hotel Schneider every year for at least seven years, they told me. You have to come here for at least seven years or you're nobody. The next must is, you have to have a 私的な guide and each of them had 'the best guide'.

Where were the husbands? All ヘリコプター skiing. They all go off piste. That's why the slopes are so empty because these people are all on the other 味方する of the 'do not enter' ropes, 落ちるing 負かす／撃墜する cliff 直面するs and hard 激しく揺する led by guides who cost £600 a day. They feel no 恐れる because these MEN are invincible.

The babes have to sit 支援する and sigh about the antics of their testosterone-fuelled 中心s. Their biggest problem is how to make these guys lots of babies and then get 支援する into size-four Prada pants.

Three days later both my daughter and I couldn't walk from our bone-拷問ing boots. We returned to Stolz ski-賃貸しの （軍の）野営地，陣営 and got Mrs Goebbels again. She tried many boots on Maria who was crying from the 狙撃 苦痛 through 黒人／ボイコット-and-blue 脚s.

Goebbels tried to 静める her 負かす／撃墜する with: 'Oh, are you going to be a big cry baby and go boo hoo hoo? Stand up and don't ask your mother to help. Tell me if they 傷つける.'

Then she 削減（する） out some 泡，激怒すること padding and put it into Maria's boots, 説: 'This will make boot better. Or if it doesn't and you go owwww tomorrow, then you come 支援する to me or your boot will say, no f****** way.'

My daughter almost fainted because the F-word is waaay off 限界s. When you say it, you have to put money in the 断言する-box. This woman had clocked up '2,000 by the time we left.

If you can get to Hotel Elisabeth without going to Stolz in Lech then I recommend the place 高度に. さもなければ, I say: 'No f****** way.'

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