RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Welcome to Balti Towers, Basil Fawlty's new 亡命 hotel...

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The new Fawlty Towers play is a 勝利, によれば the Mail’s Jan Moir. But it got me wondering whether the 初めの TV show would ever get made by the BBC today. And if it did, would it go something like this?

The cast of Fawlty Towers:Prunella 規模s as Sybil, John Cleese as Basil, Connie Booth as Polly and Andrew Sachs as Manuel

Good morning, Major.

Morning, Fawlty. Papers here yet?

Sorry, Major. We’ve cancelled them. Nobody reads the papers any more. They get their news from TikTok.

Tik-what, Fawlty?

On the phone, Major. It’s an app.

App?

Next to Button B. Anyway, apart from you, 行方不明になる Tibbs and 行方不明になる Gatsby, 非，不，無 of our guests speak English.

Or the staff, either, by the sounds of it. Tried ordering my usual kedgeree from your new waiter, Fawlty. He didn’t understand a word I was 説, nor me him.

Oh, Marko, you mean. He’s from Bratislava. Or at least he says he is. Sounds Albanian to me. When I ask him for some I.D., all he’ll say is: ‘I know nothing.’ Still beggars can’t be choosers when you’ve got a 商売／仕事 to run.

What happened to Manuel?

He went 支援する to Barcelona, after Brexit. Biggest mistake we ever made, 投票（する）ing to leave the EU. Can’t get staff for love nor money these days. And ever since Covid, Polly’s 主張するing on working from home three days a week.

But you were all in favour of getting out of Europe, Fawlty. You 投票（する）d Leave and used to have a picture of Nigel Farage next to the mangy moose’s 長，率いる in 歓迎会. You can’t stand foreigners. Remember that unfortunate 商売／仕事 with the Germans?

I’ve seen the error of my ways, Major, after the Home Office decided to 支払う／賃金 us £50,000 a month to turn Fawlty Towers into an 亡命 宿泊所. More than outweighs the money we’d have got from weddings, holiday bookings and the 半端物 Rotary Club dinner and dance. We’ve been struggling ever since that party of ロシアの oligarchs checked out last year.

That was all a bit sudden, if I 解任する.

Yes. I について言及するd the war once, but I thought I’d got away with it. They took offence for some 推論する／理由, said I started it. ‘No I didn’t,’ I said. ‘You did. You 侵略するd Crimea.’

Crimea, Fawlty?

You must have heard of Crimea, Major. Weren’t you 負傷させるd in the 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金 of the Light 旅団?

Burma, 現実に.

Really, how fascinating. Can’t stand here chatting all day. We’ve got to get the Jubilee Room ready for the 緊急 会合 of the Torbay 支店 of the Palestinian 団結 （選挙などの）運動をする this lunchtime. Terry’s knocking them up a nice balti buffet.

Balti Towers, now, eh?

What? Oh yes, Major. Very droll. Will there be anything else?

事柄 of fact, there is. I just つまずくd across a ladyboy in the Gents’. Took me straight 支援する to my days in Bangkok . . .

You can’t call them ladyboys, Major. If you were in Scotland you’d be 逮捕（する）d for hate 罪，犯罪 and sent to 刑務所，拘置所 for seven years.

What else are you supposed to call a man in a frock and 十分な make-up?

The 訂正する 表現 is ‘transgender’ or ‘transsexual’ or ‘transvestite’ or something like that. Anyway, it’s not the Gents’, it’s a unisex 洗面所. Fawlty Towers is Torquay’s 首相 trans-friendly hotel, 十分な Stonewall 調印（する） of 是認. Our 洗面所 施設s are now open to persons of all genders, and 非，不，無.

In that 事例／患者, I’d tell Terry to go 平易な on the chilli 砕く in the balti.

(Enter Sybil.)

Baazzz-illlll!!

There you are, Sybil, my little Angela Merkin 尊敬の印 行為／法令／行動する.

Shut up and listen, Basil. There’s a man in the Ladies’, wearing a frock and 十分な make-up.

I know, the Ma jor and I were just . . .

They were going to the Bibby Stockholm 船, but got held up by 抗議する人s at Peckham, so they’re stopping off here before catching the フェリー（で運ぶ） to Ireland

井戸／弁護士席, don’t just stand there, get rid of him. It’s supposed to be a 安全な space for women.

No can do, I’m afraid, my little Terf. We agreed that Fawlty Towers would become Torbay’s first trans-friendly hotel.

Not if it means men using the Ladies’ 洗面所s.

But it’s the 法律, Sybil.

Not any more, it isn’t. The 政府 has just 発表するd that 選び出す／独身-sex lavatories will be a 合法的な 必要物／必要条件 in all new offices, restaurants and 妨げる／法廷，弁護士業s ― and, 推定では, hotels, too.

There wasn’t anything about it on TikTok.

How would you know? You spend all day 星／主役にするing at your phone watching ビデオ replays of Penny Mordaunt carrying that 儀式の sword at the 載冠（式）／即位（式）. You’re obsessed with her. You go soppy over anything in a skirt. You made a 完全にする fool of yourself over that French antiques 売買業者. And don’t get me started on that Australian girl I caught you fondling...

I was feeling for the light switch...

From the next room? If you’re going to grope a girl, have the gallantry to stay in the room with her while you’re doing it. Think yourself lucky #MeToo wasn’t around 支援する then さもなければ you’d have been 株ing a 独房 with Rolf Harris.

For the 記録，記録的な／記録する, Sybil, I’m not obsessed with Penny Mordaunt, I just think she’d make a good 総理大臣.

In your dreams, Basil. She’s said she doesn’t want to be 任命する／導入するd in 負かす／撃墜するing Street like a new boiler.

Better that than an old boiler...

What was that, Basil!

Nothing, my little coal-解雇する／砲火／射撃d Baxi.

井戸／弁護士席, what are you going to do about the unisex 洗面所?

I’ll get Mr O’Reilly to turn it 支援する into separate Ladies’ and Gents’.

No, you won’t. He’s shoddy, he doesn’t care, he’s a liar, he’s incompetent, he’s lazy, he’s nothing but a half-witted, 厚い Irish joke. Why can’t you use those reliable ポーランドの（人） 建設業者s who put up Mrs Fotherington’s kitchen 拡張?

抗議する人s form a 障壁 around a bus 報道によれば waiting to 除去する migrants and 亡命 探検者s from a hotel in Peckham, south London, to the Bibby Stockholm 船 in Dorset

They’ve all gone 支援する to Poland, Sybil, after Brexit. 明らかに Poland’s on course to be richer than Britain in a couple of years.

After 14 years of the Tories, why doesn’t that surprise me? What have they ever done for the like of us? The highest 税金s in since World War II, 記録，記録的な／記録する levels of 移民／移住...

Speaking of 移民／移住, Sybil, we’re 推定する／予想するing another busload of 亡命 探検者s this afternoon. They were going to the Bibby Stockholm 船, but got held up by 抗議する人s at Peckham, so they’re stopping off here before catching the フェリー（で運ぶ） to Ireland. That reminds me, Major , you’d better pack your 捕らえる、獲得するs. Nothing personal, you understand, but we’re going to need your room.

But where am I supposed to go?

I 示唆する you make your way to Calais and catch the first dinghy 支援する to Kent. With any luck, you’ll be 安全に tucked up in your old room within the week. Either that, or you’ll get an all-expenses holiday in Rwanda. I’ll ask Terry to pack you up a nice Waldorf salad for the 旅行...